MMM MMM _.------._ MMMMMM _____________MMM___MMM___MMM___MM' MMMMM MMMM____MMM__MMM__________________ \ MMM MMM MMM .MM MM MM MM MM MMM MMM / \ MMM MMM MMM / MM MM MM MM \ MMM / \___________MMM__MMM__MMM_/ MM MM MM MM \___MMM___________________/ \ MMM MMMMM MMM| MM MM MM MM MMM | MMM / \ MMM MMMMM MMM| MM MM MM MM MMM | MMM / \______OOOOO_OOOOO_| OO OO OO OO OO |_____OOO__________/ \ OOOOO OOOOO \ OO OO OO OO OO/ OOO / \ OOOOO OOOOO \ OO OO OO OO OO OOO / \_OOO___OOO_____`OO OO OO OO OO___OOO__OOO___/ OOO OOO OO._OO OO _OOOO OOO OOO OOO OOO `------' OOOOOO _ _ _ __ _ _ _ | | (_) | | / _| | | (_) | | | | _ ___| |_ ___ | |_ | | _ ___| |_ ___ | | | / __| __| / _ \| _| | | | / __| __/ __| | |____| \__ \ |_ | (_) | | | |____| \__ \ |_\__ \ |______|_|___/\__| \___/|_| |______|_|___/\__|___/ ============================================================================== Compiled by Ray Li and Matt Messina Last Update: 30 July 1996 MM ============================================================================== CONTENTS ======== Premise So what's this show about, anyway? Credits Stars and creators Episode Guide Plot synopses, episode credits Character Descriptions Main and recurring characters Trivia More than it's healthy to know S.N.A.F.U.'s A nitpicker's guide Quotes Memorable lines Short Episode Guide Short descriptions, syndication order Syndication Edits Anything for more commercial time List of Sets Recurring sets The Last Screen of Credits In case you've ever wondered what it says Other Roles What else have these actors done? Notes Notes about the _Wings_ List of Lists Acknowledgments Thanks to all Legalese Sorry, we had to do it ============================================================================== PREMISE ======= _Wings_ is a situation comedy centered around a group of characters who work at the small airport on Nantucket Island, Massachusetts. Since it is a workplace-based comedy, rather than a family-based comedy, all of the characters are adults -- there are no kids, no dog, etc. In addition, the producers and writers seem to have decided to focus on putting out a product designed to be funny rather than a product designed to make you think or teach lessons. If a comedy based on these principles appeals to you, then you are a potential _Wings_ fan. ============================================================================== CREDITS ======= Starring -------- Tim Daly as Joe Hackett Steven Weber as Brian Hackett Crystal Bernard as Helen Chappel David Schramm as Roy Biggins Rebecca Schull as Fay Cochran Tony Shalhoub as Antonio Scarpacci (1991- ) Amy Yasbeck as Casey Davenport (1994- ) Brian Haley as Budd Bronski (1995- ) Thomas Haden Church as Lowell Mather (1990-1995) Farrah Forke as Alex Lambert (1992-1994) Created By ---------- David Angell & Peter Casey & David Lee Produced By ----------- Grub Street Productions in association with Paramount Network Television ============================================================================== EPISODE GUIDE ============= Format of entries: "Episode Title" Episode number ( Broadcast date ) Nielsen rating/share Season 1 ( 1990 ) -- 7 episodes ------------------------------- NBC, Thursdays, 9:30 pm ET Supervising Producer Dave Hackel Produced by Roz Doyle Executive Producers David Angell & Peter Casey & David Lee Executive Story Consultant Philip LaZebnik Associate Producer Maggie Randell "Legacy" 1 ( 90/04/19 ) Written by David Angell & Peter Casey & David Lee Directed by James Burrows On Nantucket Island, Joe Hackett, owner and sole pilot of Sandpiper Air, receives a letter from the executor of his late father's estate. The letter contains a package to be opened only in the presence of his brother, Brian, who had run off with Joe's fiancee Carol six years ago and to whom Joe had not spoken since. At the urging of Helen Chappel, proprietress of the airport lunch counter and a long-time friend to both brothers, Joe calls up Brian to invite him to the island. After Brian's arrival, the two open the package only to discover a key to a security deposit box. Expecting to find a fortune, the two brothers head off to the bank. But they return with yet another key, this one to a lock in Boston. The trail of keys continues, until they return to Nantucket with a key belonging to an unknown lock. Frustrated at the meaningless chase, the strained peace between the two brothers dissolves. The painful subject of Carol is brought up, but Brian reveals that Carol ran off with another man only weeks ago. Just as Brian is ready to leave the airport, Fay discovers that the mystery key belongs to one of the lockers at the airport. Inside is one last suitcase, and inside that suitcase...is nothing but joke snakes, and a picture of young Joe and Brian together. Their father's last wish was to have the estranged brothers rejoined, and that wish is granted as Brian accepts Joe's job offer to be a pilot for Sandpiper. Additional Cast: Torrey Hanson as Passenger Brigitte Kempt as Woman "Around the World in Eighty Years" 2 ( 90/04/26 ) 17.6/28 Written by Philip LaZebnik Directed by Noam Pitlik Fay discovers that a man who has been in the airport for a few days is only minutes away from completing a two-year flying trip around the world. But due to a promise he made to God when his trip began, he believes that he will die as soon as he finishes his journey. Despite Fay's encouragement, he finally decides to retrace his long route around the world to get home. Meanwhile, to help Helen achieve her dream to become a concert cellist, Brian suggests that she wear a sexier dress to her audition for the Cambridge orchestra. But when she loses the job, she wonders what failed her: her musical talent or her dress? After receiving Joe's stunned opinion, Helen hurries off to practice. Additional Cast: Richard Erdman as Howard Banks Sam Pancake as Deliveryman "Return to Nantucket I" 3 ( 90/05/03 ) 16.2/26 Written by Philip LaZebnik Directed by Noam Pitlik After an old friend drops by the airport and tells Brian that Carol is flying from Miami to London, Brian discovers that her flight is stopping in Boston. Hoping to be rejoined with his ex-wife, Brian leaves a message for Carol at the Boston terminal to meet him at the top of the Prudential Building the night she arrives in Boston. Despite the fog and Joe's advice to the contrary, Brian flies to Boston to meet her. Joe and Helen follow, to pick up the pieces when Carol doesn't show. But much to their surprise, she shows up. Additional Cast: Sy Richardson as Luther William Bumiller as Danny McCoy Kim Johnston Ulrich as Carol Bryan Clark as Security Guard John Dullagham as Businessman Peggy Roeder as Woman Matt Roe as Man "Return to Nantucket II" 4 ( 90/05/10 ) Written by David Angell Directed by Noam Pitlik At Brian's urging, Carol returns to Nantucket with him. But Brian's happiness is soon destroyed when Joe reveals that Carol made a pass at him. Both brothers decide that Carol is no good for them, and the bizarre triangle finally comes to an end. Additional Cast: Kim Johnston Ulrich as Carol "There Once Was a Girl from Nantucket" 5 ( 90/05/17 ) 14.6/23 Written by Dave Hackel Directed by Noam Pitlik To help his brother's social life, Brian sets up Joe on a blind date. However, Joe's date turns out to have a reputation as an "easy" girl, and the date turns into a disaster. Additional Cast: Megan Mullally as Cindy Ben Mittleman as Jimmy Kelly Britt as Woman Huck Liggett as Customer Ken Zavayna as Bartender "All for One and Two for Helen" 6 ( 90/05/24 ) 15.6/25 Written by Dave Hackel Directed by Noam Pitlik Joe, Brian, and Helen plan a trip to Boston to watch a Celtics game, but Joe is forced to cancel thanks to an airport committee meeting concerning the fate of a nest of short-eared owls that Fay wants to save from Roy's plans for a new hangar. When Joe hears that the game has been canceled, but sees that Brian and Helen are not back from Boston, he wonders what the two are up to. After an entertaining time in Boston, Brian and Helen end the evening at Helen's place, where she kicks him out after he makes a pass at her. But upon seeing Joe parked outside, watching the house, the two decide to trick Joe by having Brian sneak out the back. Joe's accusations the next morning are thrown in his face, and Helen sets things straight concerning her relationship with the two brothers. Additional Cast: Peg Shirley as Celia Stewart Steve Nevil as Frank Guttman Zetta Whitlow as Gloria "There's Always Room for Cello" 7 ( 90/12/14 ) Written by Peter Casey & David Lee Directed by Noam Pitlik Everyone is surprised when Roy lets his son R.J., star of the high school football team, take cello lessons from Helen. Roy thinks his son just has a crush on Helen, but when Helen brings the issue up with R.J., he tells her that he's gay. Additional Cast: Abraham Benrubi as R.J. Aileen Fitzpatrick as Woman Ferdinand Carangelo as Rudy Season 2 ( 1990 - 1991 ) -- 21 episodes --------------------------------------- NBC, Fridays, 9:30 pm ET (8-17) NBC, Thursdays, 9:30 pm ET (18-28) Supervising Producer Dave Hackel Produced by Roz Doyle Executive Producers David Angell & Peter Casey & David Lee Co-Producer Philip LaZebnik Co-Producer Bruce Rasmussen Executive Story Consultants Bill Diamond & Michael Saltzman Story Editor(17-28) Bryan Winter Associate Producer Maggie Randell "The Puppetmaster" 8 ( 90/09/28 ) 9.4/18 Written by Philip LaZebnik Directed by Noam Pitlik To break Helen's "no dating pilots" rule, Brian hires actor Matt Sargent to play Helen's dream date, a man perfect in every way except that he's a pilot. But Matt's acting is too perfect; Helen's rule is forgotten as she vows her love for Matt. Matt and Helen's plans for a marriage are unaffected by Brian's admission of complicity. Joe reveals his love for Helen, and she reciprocates; a struggle ensues between Joe and Matt after Matt pulls a gun out. After a shot is fired offstage in Helen's kitchen and Joe staggers out shaking, Brian's plans seem to have turned into a tragic nightmare. But the joke is on Brian, as Joe, Helen, and Matt have been playing him like a puppet from the beginning. Meanwhile, Roy's idea to keep in touch with Lowell by using walkie talkies is less than successful. Additional Cast: Craig Bierko as Matt Sargent "The Story of Joe" 9 ( 90/10/05 ) 9.1/17 Written by Bruce Rasmussen Directed by Noam Pitlik When a writer for American Flyer magazine comes into town to interview him, Joe thinks his fortunes may have taken an upswing. But when the writer's interest is grabbed by Brian's wild exploits, Joe is left with nothing but jealousy. But despite Joe's accusations to the contrary, Brian has been talking to the writer about his brother. Unfortunately, the magazine editor eventually kills the story. Meanwhile, Cliff and Norm from _Cheers_ arrive on Nantucket for a fishing trip, but never make it to the water. Additional Cast: John Ratzenberger as Cliff George Wendt as Norm Charles Hallahan as Ted Cobb "A Little Nightmare Music" 10 ( 90/10/12 ) Written by Bryan Winter Directed by Noam Pitlik When the conductor of the Minneapolis Philharmonic comes to Nantucket for his honeymoon, the brothers convince Helen to audition for him. After two cold rejections, Helen is ready to give up her dream. But after making peace with herself about her decision to give up the cello, the conductor's final words of hope as he departs the airport are the last thing she wants to hear. Additional Cast: David Ogden Stiers as Edward Tinsdale Kelly Miller as Mrs. Tinsdale William B. Jackson as Passenger "Sports and Leisure" 11 ( 90/10/19 ) Written by David Angell Directed by Noam Pitlik After a fishing trip is ruined by Roy, the gang uninvite him from a Trivial Pursuit party at Helen's. Angry at them initially, Roy decides to try to be nice and fit in. He shows up at Helen's for the party, but his newfound resolve to be nice is foiled by his game partner, Lowell, who insists on answering every question with "Ann-Margret." Additional Cast: None "A Stand Up Kind of Guy" 12 ( 90/10/26 ) Written by Dave Hackel Directed by Noam Pitlik A man claiming to be an old high school friend asks Joe to be his best man, and Joe struggles to discover who this groom really is when the wedding party arrives on Nantucket. Additional Cast: Kelly Cannell as Jerry Stark Amanda Carlin as Marilyn Roger Til as Monsieur Busard Leslie Cook as Roberta Walter Williford as Larry "It's Not the Thought, It's the Gift" 13 ( 90/11/09 ) Written by Peter Casey & David Lee Directed by Noam Pitlik Helen's birthday turns into a contest between Joe and Brian to see who can buy her the most impressive gift. The gifts escalate until the two make an agreement to give her "little gifts." But Brian doesn't come through on his end; Joe's little sculpture of a seagull on driftwood is overshadowed by Brian's CD player. Joe has the last laugh; to make up after an argument with Helen over her birthday, he gives her his mother's cameo. Additional Cast: Adrian Arnold as Young Joe Spencer Vrooman as Young Brian Valentino as Young Helen Valri Jackson as Mrs. Hackett "Hell Hath No Fury Like a Policewoman Scorned" 14 ( 90/11/16 ) Written by Bill Diamond & Michael Saltzman Directed by Noam Pitlik When Joe gets arrested by policewoman Colleen Thomas for the unpaid parking tickets that his brother had accumulated, Brian manages to charm Colleen into getting his brother out of the handcuffs. But his charm is stronger than he thinks, and soon Brian has an obsessed girlfriend. After an attempt to divert Colleen's attention onto his "girlfriend" Helen is deflected back by the harassed Helen, Brian finally tells Colleen the truth, and she responds by stringing him up upside down in the hangar. Meanwhile, Lowell totes his video camcorder around the airport, looking for something to submit to "America's Wackiest Videos." Additional Cast: Sharon Barr as Colleen Thomas "High Anxiety" 15 ( 90/11/23 ) Written by Bruce Rasmussen Directed by Noam Pitlik Grounded by his high blood pressure, Joe takes his frustration and anger out on Brian, who quits to enroll in flight school at TWA. Unable to find any pilots willing to work for him at the lowly salaries he can afford, Joe decides to sell Sandpiper to Roy, but Brian returns to convince Joe to stay in the airline business. Additional Cast: Robert Colbert as Deke Braverman Harris Shore as Dr. Bennett Jo Brewer as Nurse Carrie Spencer Smith as Young Joe Ryan Bish as Young Brian "Friends or Lovers?" 16 ( 90/12/07 ) Written by David Lloyd Directed by Noam Pitlik Lonely and desperate, Joe and Helen decide to go out on a date. Brian, listening in via a malfunctioning radio, joins the unsuspecting pair. After a nice dinner, Joe parks the car up at teenage makeout spot Indian Point. After a case of the giggles, the two share a long kiss, but decide to hold off from a more intimate relationship. Meanwhile, Kenny McElvey is hired as the backup Sandpiper pilot. Additional Cast: Michael Manasseri as Kenny McElvey Charles Dugan as Mr. Stubbs Jeremy Roberts as Doug "A Terminal Christmas" 17 ( 90/12/21 ) Written by Bill Diamond & Michael Saltzman Directed by Noam Pitlik When everyone's Christmas turns rotten, the gang decide to go over to Fay's house and crash her Christmas party. But when they arrive, they find her alone and sad, depressed that this is her first Christmas without her third husband George. After a lifeless dinner, Fay finally comes to peace with her husband's departure by scattering George's ashes over the ocean. Additional Cast: George Furth as Frank Chuck Sloan as Passenger "Airport '90" 18 ( 91/01/03 ) 18.1/29 Written by Bruce Rasmussen Directed by Noam Pitlik At the urging of an enthusiastic Helen, Joe starts a flight school. When Helen is on the verge of quitting from the boring ground classes, Brian lets her fly the plane. Air turbulence knocks out Brian, leaving Helen on her own in the skies. Joe talks her down, and the near brush with death has Joe and Helen finally taking the final plunge into dating. Additional Cast: Ralph Bruneau as Walter Elizabeth Ince as Cathy Windsor Rascal as Brutus "Love Is Like Pulling Teeth" 19 ( 91/01/10 ) Written by Dave Hackel Directed by Noam Pitlik Joe is torn in two; on the one hand, he promised to take care of Helen the night after her dentist appointment, but on the other hand, he's missing a great basketball game. Additional Cast: Ace Mask as Mr. Tupperman Patrick Massett as Art "The Tennis Bum" 20 ( 91/01/24 ) 14.9 Written by Peter S. Mehlman Directed by Noam Pitlik For the upcoming model show, Lowell brings in his most prized possession, his radio-controlled Graf Zeppelin model, and stores it in Joe's office, asking him not to fly it. But Joe does so, and in the process accidentally destroys it. Meanwhile, Brian's attempt to cheer up Fay by letting her beat him in a tennis game turns into an embarrassment as the news of her victory spreads, and Helen can't decide if Roy's new pilot is a man or a woman. Additional Cast: Christopher Best as Audrey Craig Benton as Passenger "My Brother's Back -- And There's Gonna Be Trouble" 21 ( 91/01/31 ) 15.0 Written by Bill Diamond & Michael Saltzman Directed by Noam Pitlik When Joe's back goes out and forces him into a stay at the hospital, Brian takes over Sandpiper. His eagerness is soon deflated when all his new ideas and crazy promotions turn into a disastrous mess. Additional Cast: Michael Manasseri as Kenny McElvey Jonathan McMurtry as Inspector Hanson Dana Anderson as Candy Striper Karen Hensel as Mrs. McCloskey Dan Kornberg as Mr. Greely Michael Rogea as Male Travel Agent Marilyn Child as Female Travel Agent Peggy Mannix as Woman Hollywood High School Marching Band "Plane Nine from Nantucket" 22 ( 91/02/07 ) Written by Philip LaZebnik Directed by Noam Pitlik During a cargo flight, Joe and Brian see a UFO. Despite Joe's concerns about bringing down unfavorable attention upon Sandpiper, Brian reports the sighting to the FAA. Brian's report is ignored by the federal agent, but not by the UFO society that visits afterward. Unfortunately, when Joe and Brian agree to take the group and a reporter up to see if they can spot the UFO again, the UFO society shows its true colors. Meanwhile, Helen and Fay resort to an arm-wrestling contest to settle a dispute over a lunch bill. Additional Cast: John Vickery as Al Teddy Wilson as John Jonathan McMurtry as Inspector Hanson James Whitson as Tom Roberta Farkas as Mary Michael Eugene Fairman as Reporter "Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places" 23 ( 91/02/14 ) Written by Bill Diamond & Michael Saltzman Directed by Noam Pitlik Valentine's Day gets off to a rocky start for Joe and Helen; Joe's gift of candies is not appreciated by the once overweight Helen. But Helen apologizes for taking the gift the wrong way, sending Joe a note urging him to meet her at their special place later that night. However, the two have different locations in mind: for Joe, it's Indian Point, where their first date ended, and for Helen, it's Pontrelli's, where they first ate. After a confusing night, they finally end up at Pontrelli's for a late Valentine's Day. Meanwhile, when Roy's blind date exceeds all his low expectations, all he can do is try and figure out what's wrong with her. Additional Cast: Deborah May as Karen Tony Shalhoub as Antonio Claire Yarlett as Stephanie Perry Anzilotti as Giacomo Ed Beechner as Football Player David Fullmer as Delivery Man "Love Means Never Having To Say Geronimo" 24 ( 91/02/21 ) 16.2 Written by Bruce Rasmussen Directed by Noam Pitlik Wanting a night alone, Joe and Helen kick Brian out of the house, but Brian shows up the next day with a woman named Gwen whom he intends to marry. Despite the objections of Joe and Helen, the happy couple and the wedding party go up in Joe's plane, to watch the marriage and the subsequent skydive. While watching the ceremony, Joe and Helen decide to get married also, but when Brian and Gwen suddenly call off the ceremony, Joe and Helen back out. Additional Cast: Lisa Darr as Gwen Michael Manasseri as Kenny McElvey Robert Alan Browne as Mr. Beekman Laurel Lockhart as Mrs. Beekman "All in the Family" 25 ( 91/03/07 ) 15.7 Written by Bryan Winter Directed by Noam Pitlik When Brian starts to date Kenny's mother, Kenny is worried about Brian's reputation with women. But just as Kenny warms to the idea of the two dating, Brian dumps her. Meanwhile, Joe and Helen squabble over the issue of privacy. Additional Cast: Michael Manasseri as Kenny McElvey Marie Marshall as Melinda Gordon McManus as Customer Donna Fuller as Woman Sharon Lee Jones as Blonde Woman Christopher Darga as Passenger "Mother Wore Stripes" 26 ( 91/03/14 ) 15.9 Written by David Lloyd Directed by Noam Pitlik Brian is ecstatic when the brothers' mother comes to Nantucket years after deserting them and their father. For Joe, the news is unwelcome, as he cannot forgive her for leaving. Additional Cast: Barbara Babcock as Mae Hackett "Murder She Roast" 27 ( 91/03/21 ) 16.1 Written by Dave Hackel Directed by Noam Pitlik Forced to live with Fay for a few days while the brothers' house is being fumigated, Brian begins to wonder if Fay is the murderess being described in a "Most Wanted" TV show. At a "farewell" dinner at Fay's, an anxious Brian forces Joe and Helen to attend as well, but it still doesn't prevent Fay from accidentally knocking out the brothers with a frozen leg of lamb. Additional Cast: Maury Povich as Himself Christopher Michael Moore as Customer Andrew Bilgore as Carl Torley "Duet for Cello and Plane" 28 ( 91/03/28 ) 16.2/28 Written by Philip LaZebnik Directed by Noam Pitlik Much to Joe's surprise, Helen wins a job with the Maine State Symphony. But discussing the future of their relationship leads to a messy fight with a fire extinguisher and a grease gun. Then comes the unwelcome news that the symphony has lost its funding. Joe's ready to apologize, but Helen's ready to leave; tired of getting nowhere with her musical career, she decides to leave for New York City, to see if her fortunes will change there. Meanwhile, a confused-looking woman who doesn't speak English and has been waiting around in the airport gains Fay's sympathy and Roy's hostility. Additional Cast: Olivia Burnette as Becky Ivonne Coll as Mooshta Adam Gregor as Yonni Roger Keller as Man Season 3 ( 1991 - 1992 ) -- 22 episodes --------------------------------------- NBC, Thursdays, 9:30 pm ET Supervising Producer Dave Hackel Producer(29-31) Andy Ackerman Producer Christopher Lloyd Producer(32-50) Andy Ackerman Produced by Robin Chamberlin Executive Producers David Angell & Peter Casey & David Lee Co-Producers Bill Diamond & Michael Saltzman Co-Producer Larry Balmagia Associate Producer Maggie Randell Creative Consultants(all but 31) Ken Levine & David Isaacs "The Naked Truth" 29 ( 91/09/19 ) 15.4/24 Written by Dave Hackel Directed by Andy Ackerman After a ten month silence, Joe hears from Helen in New York City. When Helen fishes around about their relationship, Joe can't bring himself to mention his new girlfriend, Gail. Joe and Brian travel to New York City so that Joe can tell Helen in person about Gail, but the two find Helen working as a waitress in a strip joint. Intent on getting Helen to leave her miserable life in New York City and return to Nantucket, Joe does not mention Gail. Upon their return to the airport, Gail surprises them. Angry and hurt, Helen demolishes Joe's office with her jeep. Additional Cast: Gretchen German as Gail Jonathan Palmer as Priest Robert Gentili as Doorman John Pappas as Customer "Is That a Subpoena in Your Pocket...?" 30 ( 91/09/26 ) 16.5/26 Written by Bill Diamond & Michael Saltzman Directed by Andy Ackerman When Helen refuses to help pay for demolishing his office, Joe takes her to small claims court. Joe wins, but he rubs it in a little too much, and Helen drives her jeep into his office again. Additional Cast: Tony Shalhoub as Antonio Phyllis Applegate as Judge Chuck Bailey as Passenger "The Taming of the Shrew" 31 ( 91/10/10 ) 15.9/24 Written by Christopher Lloyd Directed by Andy Ackerman Concerned by Helen's persistent anger over her breakup with Joe, the rest of the gang convince her to seek help with the Transitions group. Though the group turns out to be a senior citizen group, Helen realizes the true source of her anger, and finally comes to a reconciliation with Joe. But it doesn't save Joe's poor office from Helen's jeep; though Joe is the unwitting culprit this time. Additional Cast: Tony Shalhoub as Antonio Gretchen German as Gail Angela Paton as Sandy Charles Dugan as Harry "I Ain't Got No Bunny" 32 ( 91/10/17 ) 13.7/20 Written by Ken Levine & David Isaacs Directed by Andy Ackerman Hearing that Lowell's having problems with his wife Bunny because of his paranoia that she's flirting with other men, Brian offers to discuss the issue with Bunny. Unfortunately, Lowell's suspicions are not unfounded, as Brian quickly discovers. Additional Cast: Tony Shalhoub as Antonio Laura Innes as Bunny Peter Trencher as Hari Krishna #1 Hugh Holub as Hari Krishna #2 "If Elected, I Will Not Live" 33 ( 91/10/31 ) 15.1/24 Written by Larry Balmagia Directed by Andy Ackerman When Roy's competition for a spot on the town council drops out, the gang convince Joe to run against him. But the surprise endorsement of Joe's political manager Fay by the local newspaper gives Roy more competition than he can handle. Touched by Roy's story of his embarrassing failure in a grade school election, Fay throws the election. Additional Cast: Tony Shalhoub as Antonio Tom Klunis as Mr. Larson Lesley Woods as Moderator Christopher Michael Moore as Man #1 Gregory White as Man #2 Rif Hutton as T.V. Anchorman Drew Joseph Rowe as Little Roy "My Brother's Keeper" 34 ( 91/11/07 ) 15.9/24 Written by David Lloyd Directed by Andy Ackerman The arrival of millionaire Mimsy Borogroves has Fay, Roy, and Helen eager to tap into her wealth; Fay wants a new senior center, Roy wants investment money for Nantucket, and Helen wants to start off her new career as a real-estate agent with a big sell. But Mimsy has eyes for Brian, and he soon enjoys the good life, receiving expensive presents and accompanying Mimsy everywhere. Joe is ashamed of his brother's actions, but Brian ignores him. Joe's disgust quickly disappears when Mimsy offers to buy him a new plane. Unfortunately for the rest of the group, Brian finally takes heed of Joe's earlier words and ends his relationship with Mimsy, who subsequently pulls all her money out of Nantucket. Additional Cast: Tony Shalhoub as Antonio Kevin Brief as Passenger #1 David Keith Alexander as Passenger #2 Jay Bell as Lars Tyne Daly as Mimsy Borogroves "Crate Expectations" 35 ( 91/11/14 ) 15.2/23 Written by Dave Hackel Directed by Andy Ackerman As his birthday approaches, Joe firmly insists that the rest of the gang not throw him a party. When Fay asks him to stay late that night to wait for a shipment of airplane seats, he suspects that, despite his words, the gang will be throwing him a surprise party, springing out of the crate. But he ends up embarrassing himself when the crate arrives; upon hearing about it the next day, the gang decide to surprise him by coming in another crate. Unfortunately, Joe receives a crate full of kitchen appliances, and the rest of the gang end up on a ferry to the mainland. Additional Cast: Tony Shalhoub as Antonio F. William Parker as Ed Brian Donovan as Skip Raymond D. Turner as Soldier Moria Turner as Woman "Ladies Who Lunch" 36 ( 91/11/21 ) 16.1/24 Written by Kathryn Baker Directed by Andy Ackerman Tired of the bickering between Helen and Gail, Joe suggests that the two go out to lunch together. Things go farther than he expects, though, as the two women become fast friends, comparing embarrassing notes about him. A confrontation between Joe and Helen about the strange triangle quickly turns from angry words to passion, only to be interrupted by Gail. Gail departs, Helen brushes away the reawakened feelings, and Joe is left alone. Meanwhile, Fay tries to continue her streak of touching every First Lady since Eleanor Roosevelt when President Bush and his wife visit Nantucket. Additional Cast: Tony Shalhoub as Antonio Gretchen German as Gail Kevin Brief as Passenger Michael McNab as Secret Service Man Edwin Newman as Himself "Try To Remember the Night He Dismembered" 37 ( 91/12/05 ) 15.5/23 Written by Bill Diamond & Michael Saltzman Directed by Andy Ackerman To pass the time during a foggy day, Brian starts doing the hypnosis act on volunteers. Under hypnosis, Roy reveals that he stole $250,000 and buried it in his backyard. The rest of the gang dig up his backyard, intent on returning the money to its rightful owner, only to discover that their hole is to become the resting place for Roy's new hot tub. Roy's glee at their free labor is short-lived, as he quickly discovers to where the dirt has been hauled. Additional Cast: Tony Shalhoub as Antonio Carey Eidel as Man "The Late Mrs. Biggins" 38 ( 91/12/12 ) 15.3/23 Written by Steven Levitan Directed by Andy Ackerman Pressured by questions, Roy reveals that his wife Sylvia is not dead but living in Boston, after having deserted him abruptly sixteen years ago. In the company of Brian, Roy flies to Boston to win his wife back. Roy's efforts are for naught, however, as Sylvia refuses to leave her life as the wife of a rich plastic surgeon to return to Nantucket with him. Additional Cast: Tony Shalhoub as Antonio Concetta Tomei as Sylvia Gene Knight as Butler Mark Davenport as Mr. Hyson "The Bogey Men" 39 ( 91/12/19 ) 14.9/23 Written by Larry Balmagia Directed by Andy Ackerman Joe, Brian, Lowell, and Roy go to a golf course for a golfing weekend, but hurricane weather washes out their golfing plans. Meanwhile, Antonio and his guitar treat the airport to the only song he knows, "Michael Row the Boat Ashore." Additional Cast: Tony Shalhoub as Antonio "Marriage, Italian Style" 40 ( 92/01/09 ) 14.9/22 Written by Christopher Lloyd Directed by Andy Ackerman Antonio arrives at the airport with bad news: the government is planning to deport him. Brian finds a bride for Antonio, but when the federal agent comes into town, Antonio's bride-to-be deserts him. Helen jumps in to save Antonio, on the promise that they will get a divorce as soon as possible. Despite getting cold feet before the wedding, Helen becomes Antonio's wife, but then hears that the divorce won't come for another three years. [ Opening credits sequence changed; in this and subsequent episodes, instead of the long musical opening, there is a cold opening. Tony Shalhoub credited as a regular. Timothy Daly's screen credit is shortened to Tim Daly. ] Additional Cast: Thomas Ryan as Agent John Valentine as Justice Thom McCleister as Fisherman Susan Tyrell as Sconset Sal "Divorce, American Style" 41 ( 92/01/16 ) 15.8/23 Written by Steven Levitan Directed by Andy Ackerman Stunned by the news that their "quickie" divorce won't be for another three years, Helen resigns herself to life as Antonio's wife. News of a green card lottery revives her hopes, until Antonio's call to Immigration reveals that he was not picked. But Helen quickly finds out that Antonio lied about not being picked; when she asks him about his deception, he answers that he was hoping that she would grow to love him. It is not to be, however, and the newlyweds get a divorce. Additional Cast: Thomas Ryan as Agent Fulham Lisa Howard as Rachel Thom McCleister as Fisherman "Stew in a Stew" 42 ( 92/01/23 ) 13.9/21 Written by David Angell Directed by Andy Ackerman Fay is understanding when Joe tells her that he won't be able to give her a raise, but when she sees the two brothers gloating over a pair of new leather flight jackets, she quits. She accepts a position at Aeromass, while Joe struggles with Sandpiper. But fond memories of how the two started Sandpiper years ago resolve their differences. Additional Cast: Laura Fabian as Teresa Teri Ralston as Sister Ann Kaye Kittrell as Stewardess Kate Benton as Female Passenger Glenn Casale as Male Passenger "This Old House" 43 ( 92/01/30 ) 15.8/24 Written by David Lloyd Directed by Andy Ackerman The news that the Hacketts' old house has been condemned due to storm damage has the two brothers trying to save it. But all efforts fail, so the gang visit the house one last time before the wrecking is scheduled to begin. Reliving their unhappy childhoods, Joe and Brian realize how miserable their memories of the house are, and they decide to get a head start on the wrecking crew by doing a little demolishing of their own. Belatedly, they find out that the house has been saved by the historic committee. Additional Cast: Granville Ames as Mr. Hackett Valri Jackson as Mrs. Hackett Adrian Arnold as Young Joe Spencer Vrooman as Young Brian Valentino as Young Helen "Planes, Trains and Visiting Cranes" 44 ( 92/02/13 ) 14.7/21 Written by Ken Levine & David Isaacs Directed by Andy Ackerman Dr. Frasier Crane's plans to conduct a self-esteem seminar on Nantucket are interrupted by Helen's accusations that he ruined her life in New York City after she had attended one of his seminars. Instead of the refund she desires, Frasier allows Helen to attend the seminar free, to see if her problems can be solved. The seminar soon turns into an airing out of some of the long-standing conflicts between Joe, Brian, and Helen, and Frasier's seminar is ruined. Additional Cast: Kelsey Grammer as Frasier Crane Bebe Neuwirth as Lilith Sternin-Crane "Das Plane" 45 ( 92/02/20 ) 13.0/19 Written by Bill Diamond & Michael Saltzman Directed by Andy Ackerman Joe is pleased when he hears that the ticket he contributed to a charity auction brought in $10,000, but his mood soon turns sour when a misprint on the ticket forces him to fly crazy old Carlton Blanchard on a cross-country trip for a reunion with his brother. Thanks to the frustrations of the flight, Joe and Brian end up at each others throats, ready to separate once and for all, but seeing the fists fly at Carlton's reunion have the two making peace. Additional Cast: William Hickey as Carlton David Haywood as Farmer "Take My Life, Please" 46 ( 92/02/27 ) 15.9/24 Written by Christopher Lloyd Directed by Andy Ackerman After her short-lived career in real estate ends in disgrace, Helen decides to try her hand as a stand-up comedian. At Brian's suggestion, she uses her cello as her gimmick, but her debut night at the Club Car is ruined when Jim Tavare, performing before her, wows the crowd with his gimmick. Additional Cast: Oliver North as Himself Jim Tavare as Himself Eric Christmas as Liam MacDougal Ron K. James as Tommy Morocco Robert Gary Lee as Emcee "Four Dates That Will Live in Infamy" 47 ( 92/04/02 ) 15.0/23 Written by Dave Hackel Directed by Andy Ackerman Antonio's stories of his successes with a video dating service soon have Joe, Brian, Helen, and Lowell plunging into the video dating fray. Joe ends up with a woman with a puppet, Brian's date pushes him into a confrontation with a biker, Helen's date takes her to the Club Car to help him work his shift, and Lowell has a wonderful time (but loses the "worst date" pool to Joe). Additional Cast: Peri Gilpin as Barbara #242 Cameron Watson as Jeffrey #16 Laura Leigh Hughes as Sharon #325 Eric Allan Kramer as Biker Heather Lee as Monica #187 Roger Keller as Customer Nancy Scher as Voice of Trixie "The Bank Dick" 48 ( 92/04/23 ) Written by David Lloyd Directed by Andy Ackerman After returning from a trip made possible by a hefty tax refund, Brian finds out that said refund was an error. To help pay off his sudden debt, he takes on a second job as a security guard at a bank. But he's fired after a robbery, and it's back to flying. But while flying Antonio (on his way home to Italy to see his family) to Boston, Brian discovers that the bank robber is aboard the plane. Unfortunately, the robber also recognizes Brian, and pulls a gun out to force Brian to land. But Brian dares the would-be hijacker by threatening to crash the plane, and the robber backs down first. Additional Cast: Tony Maggio as Robber Kevin Brief as Customer Jerry Wayne Bernard as Bank Customer #1 Jim Hudson as Bank Customer #2 "Say It Ain't So, Joe" 49 ( 92/04/30 ) 15.2/23 Written by Steven Levitan Directed by Andy Ackerman To help commemorate the anticipated breaking of Joe's old high school baseball strikeout record, Joe's old high school coach coerces Joe to fly him and his star pitcher Ty to the baseball game. But when Joe decides not to land at the airport due to poor visibility, was his main concern safety or his record? Either way, it doesn't matter; Ty gets to the game in time to pitch the last two innings and get the record. [ Tony Shalhoub does not appear in this episode. ] Additional Cast: Brian Doyle-Murray as Coach Snyder Matt Fox as Ty Warner "As Fate Would Have It" 50 ( 92/05/07 ) 15.1/23 Written by Larry Balmagia Directed by Andy Ackerman When Helen accidentally spills soup all over a man's expensive Italian suit, she thinks her fortunes have sunk to their lowest. But it turns out that the man is the managing director of the Boston Symphony Orchestra, and in a bizarre twist of fate, she ends up with a job as a cellist, with her first performance on schedule for that night. Her happiness is tempered when the others tell her that they cannot come due to other commitments, but in yet another twist of fate, those commitments disappear. Yet another hurdle appears when, while on their way to Boston that night, one of the engines on Joe's twin-engine Cessna dies. Helen's luck finally runs out; the other engine dies, and Joe is forced to ditch the plane into the Atlantic. [ Tony Shalhoub does not appear in this episode. ] Additional Cast: Ronald Guttman as Peter Swinden Season 4 ( 1992 - 1993 ) -- 22 episodes --------------------------------------- NBC, Thursdays, 9:30 pm ET (51-63) NBC, Thursdays, 8:30 pm ET (64-72) Co-Executive Producer Dave Hackel Supervising Producer Christopher Lloyd Producer Andy Ackerman Produced by Robin Chamberlin Executive Producers David Angell & Peter Casey & David Lee Producer Larry Balmagia Producer(59,60,63-72) Ian Gurvitz Co-Producer Maggie Randell Story Editor Steven Levitan Story Editor(55-60,62-72) Adam Belanoff Executive Script Consultants Joyce Gittlin & Jeffrey Richman Creative Consultant(51-55,58,61) David Isaacs Creative Consultants(56,57,59, Ken Levine & David Isaacs 60,62-72) "Lifeboat" 51 ( 92/09/24 ) 16.8/27 Written by Christopher Lloyd Directed by Andy Ackerman Stranded at sea aboard a lifeboat after Joe ditched his airplane, the gang spend restless hours at each others throats, awaiting rescue. Joe watches his plane sink, and Helen loses her cello. Just as things are at their worst, with the lifeboat losing air, they are rescued by the Coast Guard. But for Joe, things don't get better, as the unpaid bills start piling up and his futile search for a plane to rent continues. Finally, he decides to fold Sandpiper and move to the South Pacific, and convinces Helen to come with him. But then he sees his plane after it has been salvaged from the sea, and cannot leave. Additional Cast: Amber Van Lent as Woman "The Fortune Cookie" 52 ( 92/10/01 ) 14.0/23 Written by David Lloyd Directed by Andy Ackerman Angry at the nearly non-existent aid from his insurance company, Joe lets Brian convince him to fake an injury to get more money from the insurers. Despite Helen's loud objections, they get a shady doctor's letter and wait for the insurers to come and inspect Joe. But Joe gets cold feet at the last minute, forcing the two brothers to switch roles. The investigator is a beautiful woman, who quickly fools Brian into giving away the whole sham, and the two brothers look like they're headed for court and worse. But their panic is unnecessary, as Helen reveals the investigator as a friend of hers; she just wanted to teach the brothers a lesson. But then Roy shows up with a check from Joe's insurers for nonexistent injuries, and Helen beats a hasty retreat. Additional Cast: James Handy as Dr. Lenny Barbara Lee Alexander as Susan "Noses Off" 53 ( 92/10/08 ) 14.0/23 Written by Ken Levine & David Isaacs Directed by Andy Ackerman Sandpiper is back in business, but Joe's nose is broken by a man who mistook him for Brian. At the surgeon's, the doctor's observation of a "bump" on Brian's nose has him obsessing about getting a new nose. Additional Cast: Scott Grimes as Marty Peter Brown as Dr. Lasker Lana Clarkson as Janine Kevin Brief as Kevin Scott Williams as Gil "Blackout Buggins" 54 ( 92/10/22 ) 12.9/20 Written by Steven Levitan Directed by Andy Ackerman After watching a rap rendition of the National Anthem during a Red Sox baseball game, Roy declares that he could sing it better. Brian takes him up on his statement, setting things up with the Red Sox front office. Roy earns only ridicule when he faints during his performance, and he schedules another appearance. The gang arrive at Fenway Park to eagerly watch his come-back performance, but to their disappointment, Roy comes through nicely. He doesn't quit while he's ahead, though; wanting to repeat the song due to a mike cutoff during the first time through, he grabs the attention of security. Additional Cast: Keith Sellon-Wright as Dave Barr Geno as Ice Tray Lorenzo G. Pryor as Cold Boy #1 Joey Banks as Cold Boy #2 "Mathers of the Heart" 55 ( 92/10/29 ) 14.4/23 Written by Adam Belanoff Directed by Andy Ackerman Kissed by Helen after he fixes her stove, Lowell decides to ask her for a date. Her laughs drive him away, but she concedes to a date while apologizing to him. The next day, the brothers discover that Helen had a wonderful time, while Lowell had a boring time. It takes a while, but on their next date, Lowell finally gets up the nerve to dump Helen. Depressed after being dumped, Helen wonders if she and Joe were meant to be together, but the two quickly dismiss that thought. Additional Cast: Erick Avari as Artist "Two Jerks and a Jill" 56 ( 92/11/05 ) 16.5/24 Written by Dave Hackel Directed by David Lee & Andy Ackerman The arrival of beautiful helicopter pilot Alex Lambert to the airport soon has the Hacketts chasing after her, despite her non-interest. Meanwhile, Antonio upstages Lowell at the Tuesday night rat shoot at the dump. Additional Cast: Farrah Forke as Alex Lambert Tracey Walter as Tucker Tom McCleister as Tom "It's So Nice To Have a Mather Around the House" 57 ( 92/11/12 ) 16.2/26 Written by Ken Levine & David Isaacs Directed by David Lee When Alex agrees to go on a date with him on a boat to see the Parade of Tall Ships, Brian borrows Lowell's houseboat. But on a dry run, Brian sinks Lowell's boat. Joe and Brian invite Lowell to stay with them for a while, and are surprised at how well Lowell cooks and how eager he is to do the household chores. They enjoy his visit so much that when Lowell's insurance check arrives in the mail, they decide to hold onto it for a little while. But soon the honeymoon comes to an end, as Lowell's strict discipline quickly rubs the Hacketts the wrong way. But when they've agreed to boot Lowell out, they discover that the check is missing. At supper that night, Lowell confronts them with the check. While ironing out the misunderstandings about the check, the brothers' and Lowell make peace and Lowell stays. Additional Cast: Farrah Forke as Alex Lambert Scott Thompson Baker as Michael "Just Say No" 58 ( 92/11/19 ) 14.3/22 Written by Adam Belanoff Directed by Andy Ackerman Joe and Helen watch in trepidation as Shannon Moss arrives, and their fears are soon realized when Brian falls under her spell again. Despite the fact that she is just using him to boost her own ego, Brian doesn't wake up to the truth until goaded into a final conversation. Additional Cast: Teri Austin as Shannon Moss Hugh Maguire as Businessman Christopher Michael Moore as Customer "It May Have Happened One Night" 59 ( 92/12/03 ) 14.3/22 Written by Christopher Lloyd Directed by Andy Ackerman Rumors abound at the airport when Antonio learns that Joe was over at Alex's place late one night. Thanks to Alex's intoxication that night, only Joe knows what happened, and he refuses to elaborate to Brian or Helen. Additional Cast: Farrah Forke as Alex Lambert "The Customer's Usually Right" 60 ( 92/12/17 ) 15.6/25 Written by Janet Leahy Directed by Leonard R. Garner, Jr. Joe's irritation at getting charged a rewind fee for a returned videotape which he believes had been rewound ends up costing the nice old lady at the video store her job. His chagrin deepens when he finds out that the videotape had not been rewound, and more guilt is heaped on his shoulders when he discovers that the lady suffers a stroke soon after being fired. He visits the woman at the hospital, and she seems to recover at his apologetic words. Additional Cast: Phil Buckman as Carter Ellen Albertini Dow as Debbie Michael Pniewski as Mike Janice Kent as Jeanette Christian Cousins as Danny Lorna Scott as Angry Woman Ralph P. Martin as Angry Man Walter Addison as Passenger #1 Suzanne Goddard as Passenger #2 "Exit Laughing" 61 ( 93/01/07 ) 14.6/22 Written by Larry Balmagia Directed by Andy Ackerman Helen ignores Joe's advice when she decides to go out with one of Joe's old college friends, but she soon comes to regret that decision when she realizes she can't bear his annoying laugh. When she decides to break up with him, she's in for a big surprise; he dumps her because he can't stand her accent. Additional Cast: Steven Eckholdt as Connor Christopher Miranda as Brendan "What the Cabbie Saw" 62 ( 93/01/14 ) 15.8/25 Written by Steven Levitan Directed by Judy Askins Antonio performs his civic duty when he helps bring to court a suspected robber and then testifies against him, but when the suspect is released on a technicality, Antonio fears for his life. Additional Cast: Farrah Forke as Alex Lambert Beau Starr as Frederick Watts Robert Fieldsteel as Detective Crawley Gabe Dell, Jr. as Pizza Boy Richard Camphuis as Officer "Labor Pains" 63 ( 93/01/28 ) 14.5/23 Written by Dave Hackel Directed by Andy Ackerman After a trip to see a friend who works at Logan Airport in Boston, Lowell decides to ask Joe and Roy for a raise. Following Antonio's advice, Lowell threatens to leave for that job in Boston if his demands aren't met. Joe can't afford the raise, and Roy doesn't want to cough up the money. Even though he really doesn't want that job in Boston, Lowell continues to bluff, until he finds himself saying goodbye to everyone. Lowell returns quickly, and pays Antonio back for his advice. Additional Cast: Lisa Edelstein as Marsha Peebles Phil LaMarr as Gil John Petlock as Waiter "I've Got a Secret" 64 ( 93/02/04 ) 12.1/18 Written by Adam Belanoff Directed by Andy Ackerman Loose talk at Helen's house one Friday night between Helen, Antonio, and Alex reveals that Alex once posed for Playboy. Helen and Antonio promise to keep it a secret, but at the airport the following Monday, Joe and Brian quickly find out about it. Antonio becomes the focus of Alex's wrath, but the secret was leaked out by a subconsciously jealous Helen at the boutique. Angry words between Alex and Helen are diffused by Fay. Additional Cast: Farrah Forke as Alex Lambert "The Gift I" 65 ( 93/02/11 ) 12.3/19 Written by David Angell Directed by Andy Ackerman When Helen hears about auditions for the Nantucket String Quartet, it revives her aspirations of being a cellist. Unfortunately, she has no cello, thanks to the plane ditch at sea. Urged on by Brian, she takes on a second job at a fish packing plant to help earn some more money for a new cello, but her happiness soon turns sour when she is laid off. Disturbed at seeing her so unhappy, Brian convinces Joe to take out another mortgage on the house to get Helen a cello, but to the two brothers' shock, she refuses their gift. Meanwhile, Fay, Antonio, Roy, and Lowell get parts in the community theater's production of "Phantom of the Oprah." Additional Cast: Dori Brenner as Doris Joy Claussen as Cecilia Pattie Tierce as Betty Ken Magee as Gus Ron Robertson as Customer "The Gift II" 66 ( 93/02/18 ) 12.1/18 Written by David Angell Directed by Andy Ackerman Helen is unhappy that the brothers are "coming to her rescue" with their gift, but they convince her finally to accept it and try to get that cellist job. When the first two choices of the string quartet decline, she wins a place in the group. Helen's happiness is soon tempered by the strange quirks of her fellow musicians, but for the sake of Joe and Brian's efforts to get her that job, she doesn't quit the quartet. But her first performance is ruined when the man she replaced returns and forces the disbanding of the quartet. Meanwhile, after some not-so-stellar rehearsals, "Phantom of the Oprah" is canceled before the first performance. Additional Cast: Robert Martin Robinson as Karl Spengler Mary Woronov as Lydia Detmeir Derek Basco as Johnny Toshiba Basil Langton as Winston Catlow Jim Brochu as Ed Snow Jane Childerhose as Audience Member Dai Kornberg as Panel Member Paul Ainsley as Panel Member "I Love Brian" 67 ( 93/02/25 ) 13.8/21 Written by Ian Gurvitz Directed by Andy Ackerman To impress Alex, Brian tells her that he is a good friend of Clint Black's and that he can get tickets to Black's sold out Boston show. Things get more and more complicated for Brian as Helen and Alex coerce him into getting more tickets, and then into arranging a face to face meeting with the singer. Additional Cast: Clint Black as Himself Christine Cavanaugh as Fan Andy Garrison as Bodyguard Pete Gonneau as Passenger Farrah Forke as Alex Lambert Kirstie Alley as Rebecca Howe "The Key to Alex" 68 ( 93/03/11 ) 12.5/19 Written by David Lloyd Directed by Andy Ackerman In their pursuit of Alex, Joe and Brian take some indirect tips from Helen as she describes her own reactions to another man's actions. But Alex sees through all their ploys, until Joe and Brian finally resort to honest conversation over dinner to settle their relationships with Alex. Additional Cast: Farrah Forke as Alex Lambert Robert Shafer as Otto Cherie Lyn Michael as Waitress Steve Eastin as Murray Gregory Balaban as Stan "The Houseguest" 69 ( 93/04/08 ) 9.3/16 Written by Bill Diamond & Michael Saltzman Directed by Andy Ackerman To cheer up Carlton Blanchard on a lonely birthday, Helen invites him to her house for a party. But after Carlton falls down her stairs and hints at a possible lawsuit by his lawyer son, Helen's hospitality is stretched to the limit as he settles in her living room to recover from his injuries. Finally, Helen discovers that (1) Carlton's injuries are imaginary and (2) he has no lawyer son, and she boots Blanchard out. Additional Cast: William Hickey as Carlton "Goodbye, Old Friend" 70 ( 93/04/29 ) 13.1/21 Written by Christopher Lloyd Directed by Andy Ackerman Weeb Gilroy's death has Lowell searching for the right words to write for a eulogy for his long-time friend. Words fail him at the end; all he can think to do is finish building the old biplane that the two used to work on. Meanwhile, Helen suffers a near-concussion and Joe and Brian follow doctor's orders and try to keep her from falling asleep that night. Additional Cast: Ted Sorel as Doctor Farrah Forke as Alex Lambert "Another Wedding" 71 ( 93/05/06 ) 11.9/20 Written by Larry Balmagia Directed by Andy Ackerman At Walter's wedding, Lowell's hopes for getting back together with Bunny are ruined when she introduces him to her date. Trying to save face, Lowell tells Bunny about his own date, Yvette, and is saved from telling the truth when late-arrival Alex shows up to support his bluff. Meanwhile, Joe attempts to evade a dull acquaintance, Antonio tries to gather enough courage to go talk to a woman, Helen attempts to break away from her dancing partner to talk to another man, and a lonely Brian leaves before Alex arrives. Additional Cast: Laura Innes as Bunny Mather Ralph Bruneau as Walter Bill Gratton as Al Timothy D. Smith as Henry Adam Hendershott as Tommy Anthony Addabbo as GQ Guy Lee Brooks as Phil Farrah Forke as Alex Lambert "Date Package Number Seven" 72 ( 93/05/13 ) 13.1/21 Written by Steven Levitan Directed by Andy Ackerman Alex's weekend with Brian is spoiled when the wonderful spontaneity of the event is revealed by Joe and Helen to be part of one of Brian's many prepared date packages. But instead of taking advantage of Brian's failure, Joe pleads his dejected brother's case to Alex, and she and Brian decide to start dating. Additional Cast: Farrah Forke as Alex Lambert Beau Byron as Little Boy Season 5 ( 1993 - 1994 ) -- 24 episodes --------------------------------------- NBC, Thursdays, 8:30 pm ET Executive Producer Dave Hackel Co-Executive Producer Howard Gewirtz Supervising Producer(73-82,84)/ Mark Reisman Co-Executive Producer(83,85-96) Producer(73-82,84)/ Ian Gurvitz Supervising Producer(83,85-96) Produced by Robin Chamberlin Executive Producers David Angell & Peter Casey & David Lee Co-Producer Steven Levitan Executive Story Editor Shelly Landau Executive Script Consultants Jeffrey Richman & Joyce Gittlin Creative Consultant(73-79) Lloyd Garver Creative Consultant(82-96) Bob Ellison Associate Producer Lori A. Moneymaker "Stop in the Name of Love" 73 ( 93/09/16 ) 14.1/23 Written by Dave Hackel Directed by Andy Ackerman Everyone is skeptical when Brian announces that his relationship with Alex is special. To try and insure that their relationship lasts, the two decide to not sleep with one another yet. [ Farrah Forke credited as a regular. Thomas Haden Church does not appear in this episode. ] Additional Cast: Katherine Moffat as Woman Susan Watson as Passenger "Terminal Jealousy" 74 ( 93/09/23 ) 13.8/22 Written by Mark Reisman Directed by Leonard R. Garner, Jr. On a boring day, Roy decides to have a little fun at the others' expense. He has Brian wondering if anything is going on between Alex and Joe, and misleads Helen into insulting the state health inspector. Additional Cast: Holly Gagnier as Pam Chase "Bye-Bye, Bunny" 75 ( 93/09/30 ) Written by Ian Gurvitz Directed by Leonard R. Garner, Jr. Lowell and Bunny make their separation final by signing the divorce papers, but then start sleeping together. Lowell begins to wonder if their marriage can be saved after all, until he finds out that Bunny has a fiance. Meanwhile, Antonio consoles a woman via a cellular telephone which her cheating husband lost in his cab. Additional Cast: Laura Innes as Bunny Peter Van Norden as Warren Banks Gordon Clapp as Phil Linda Larkin as Lisa "Business or Pleasure" 76 ( 93/10/07 ) 14.7/23 Written by Steven Levitan Directed by Leonard R. Garner, Jr. Intent on expanding Sandpiper, Joe flies in potential investor Davis Lynch from New York City. Smitten with Helen, Davis persuades Joe to get Helen to show him around the island. Accused by the others of treating Helen as a prostitute, Joe goes to the Crab House where Helen and Davis are dining to get her off the hook. But there's bad news for Joe: he's not getting Davis' money, and Helen refuses to leave. Additional Cast: Mark Harelik as Davis Lynch John Hawkes as Waiter William Schreiner as Customer Donna Davis as Woman "An Affair to Forget" 77 ( 93/10/14 ) 15.3/25 Written by Dave Hackel Directed by Andy Ackerman Joe is upset when he becomes the chauffeur for Brian and Alex to their Vermont getaway and Helen to New York City to see Davis, but he ends up having the most fun as he and Helen are forced to stay with Brian and Alex, ruining their anticipated first night as lovers. Meanwhile, Fay and Antonio help Roy change his image to try and impress a woman. Additional Cast: Stacey Pickren as Barbara "Black Eye Affair" 78 ( 93/10/28 ) 15.5/25 Written by Steven Levitan Directed by Andy Ackerman News of Davis' imminent arrival on Nantucket is soon followed by troubles for Helen: a friend drops by in need of a sympathetic ear, a quick trip to the gym results in a black eye and a chlorine reaction with the highlights in her hair, skin rash from poison ivy appears, and everyone decides to invade her house minutes before Davis is expected. Additional Cast: Cynthia K. Ambuehl as Stella Karl Wiedergott as Dominick Harry Woolf as Fred "Joe Blows I" 79 ( 93/11/04 ) 15.9/25 Written by Steven Levitan Directed by David Lee The day starts off bad for Joe when a passenger threatens a lawsuit if his lost luggage isn't returned by the end of the day. As he struggles to trace the luggage, the others intrude their concerns into his life. Antonio wants Joe to co-sign a loan for a new cab. Helen wants Joe to tell her what to do about her relationship with Davis. Brian wants Joe to ask Alex about their disappointing first night as lovers. Roy wants to show off his new radio promo for Aeromass. Fay wants Joe to talk to the town council about a threat to the graveyard where one of her husbands is buried. Lowell guns his Harley Davidson out in the hangar, raising the noise level in Joe's office. And when Joe's relief at giving the passenger his luggage back is blunted by the man's insistence that someone pay for the scratches on it, he finally loses it. Tired of his stressful life, Joe leaves Nantucket. Additional Cast: Kevin Connolly as Scotty Nelson Tom O'Rourke as Luggage Man Kristine Knudson as Girl Keith Rosary as Guy "Joe Blows II" 80 ( 93/11/11 ) 14.1/21 Written by Ian Gurvitz Directed by Leonard R. Garner, Jr. With Joe gone to parts unknown, the heavy burden of running Sandpiper falls on Brian's shoulders. When credit card bills reveal that Joe is in Mustique, Brian travels down to get Joe back, but ends up buying Sandpiper from Joe for a dollar. After struggling to right Sandpiper, Brian finally seems to have things under control when Joe returns. Brian is unwilling to relinquish control of Sandpiper, but Joe only wants Brian's old job. The two finally agree to become partners. Additional Cast: Richard Gant as Jack Raquel Gardner as Girl "2 Good 2 Be 4 Gotten" 81 ( 93/11/18 ) 13.8/21 Written by Rick Copp & David A. Goodman Directed by Leonard R. Garner, Jr. When news arrives that high school alumna Sandy is returning to the island, Joe fears her high school obsession with him will return as well, but the others think he's imagining things. To all appearances, Sandy is a well-behaved person, and Joe's fears are allayed. But Joe's trip to her basement to help her move some books becomes a return to prom night, 1978. Meanwhile, Antonio tries to raise money to send to his family, while Roy deals with a visit from his mother. Additional Cast: Valerie Mahaffey as Sandy Cooper "Come Fly With Me" 82 ( 93/12/02 ) 14.2/22 Written by Howard Gewirtz Directed by Leonard R. Garner, Jr. When their original plans all go awry one Saturday night, Joe, Brian, Helen, and Lowell fly up to Boston for a night on the town. But what originally seems to be a great party turns out to be a pick-up place for call girls. Meanwhile, Fay, Roy, and Antonio pool their resources to try and win a radio call-in contest. Additional Cast: Barbara Alyn Woods as Sheila Karen Moncrieff as Deidre Ana Gabriel as Barbara Christopher Fuller as Ted The Real Don Steele as Radio Announcer "Happy Holidays" 83 ( 93/12/16 ) 13.5/22 Written by Mark Reisman Directed by Andy Ackerman The Christmas season brings little joy to the airport. Bunny arrives on Nantucket to attend a friend's wedding, and ends up sleeping with Antonio in the back seat of his cab. Though it was only a one-night affair, Antonio struggles with the guilt. Meanwhile, Brian is reluctant to go see Alex's parents for Christmas, Joe deals with the loss of a Christmas tree, and Fay's harpish efforts to organize the Christmas party are not appreciated by Helen. Additional Cast: Laura Innes as Bunny Nicholas LaCasale as Teenager #1 Michael Bacall as Teenager #2 "Ready, Teddy, Go" 84 ( 94/01/06 ) 16.9/25 Written by Jeffrey Richman & Joyce Gittlin Directed by Andy Ackerman Much to Helen's delight, Davis finally shows up after a long string of canceled dates. But a furtive search through his luggage while he's taking a shower soon dampens Helen's spirits; inside a gift-wrapped box, she finds a lacy teddy. Uncomfortable at what this gift seems to indicate about the state of their relationship, she is soon angry when Davis presents her with an innocent box of soaps later, instead of the lingerie. Who's getting the silk? Just before Davis leaves, Helen airs her concerns out with him, and finds out that he'd decided to wait a while before giving her that gift. Meanwhile, Fay "kidnaps" a laboratory rat from her psychology professor to try and save it. Additional Cast: Mark Harelik as Davis Lynch Stephen Rowe as Professor Lawson Jane Galloway as Passenger "Oh, Give Me a Home Where the Mathers Don't Roam" 85 ( 94/01/20 ) 14.9/22 Written by Shelly Landau Directed by Peter Bonerz Tired of Lowell's strictness, the brothers boot him out of their house. Despite his reluctance, Lowell buys a new house and tries to adjust to the new experience of living alone. Additional Cast: Kathleen McCall as Real Estate Agent "The Faygitive" 86 ( 94/01/27 ) 17.3/26 Written by Shelly Landau Directed by Peter Bonerz Fay is feeling spooked when old friends tell her that someone's been asking questions about her. And when a private investigator shows up at the airport, she isn't sure what to expect. The man who hired the investigator shows up and tells his story; he was a young soldier who went to a USO dance where Fay volunteered, back during the Korean War, who went off to war owing Fay a dance, and he's finally arrived to have that last dance. Meanwhile, Antonio gets an illegal cable feed through a "friend" of Roy's. Additional Cast: Roy Dotrice as Pete Larry Brandenburg as Investigator "Say Uncle Carlton" 87 ( 94/02/03 ) 17.1/26 Written by Steven Levitan Directed by Peter Bonerz To help pay off his new used cab, Antonio gets a job as a chauffeur...for Carlton Blanchard. Things get worse when Carlton's equally annoying nephew Lewis arrives on Nantucket to attend Carlton's Retired Businessman of the Year banquet. Additional Cast: William Hickey as Carlton Gilbert Gottfried as Lewis "Hey, Nineteen" 88 ( 94/02/10 ) 18.0/27 Written by Howard Gewirtz Directed by Peter Bonerz To Helen's disgust and Brian's envy, Joe starts dating nineteen-year-old Courtney Blake. For Joe, it's a perfectly meaningless relationship, but for Courtney, it appears to be much more serious, as her poem vowing her love or else her death seems to attest to. But Joe soon finds out that those words were spoken of another, much older man than he. Meanwhile, Roy and Antonio find a dog whose cute charm no woman can resist. Additional Cast: Liz Vassey as Courtney Steven Porter as Dog Owner Andrew Mark Berman as Delivery Boy Timothy Fall as Trevor Rebecca Chambers as Woman "Exclusively Yours" 89 ( 94/02/14 ) 10.4 Written by David Lloyd Directed by Peter Bonerz Brian's exclusive commitment to Alex is sorely tested when Joe flies in a group of models for a photo shoot. Meanwhile, Helen's decision to name food items on her menu after the people in the airport doesn't go as well as she'd hoped. [ This episode was originally broadcast 9:30 ET Monday. ] Additional Cast: Lee Garlington as Vi Darla Slavens as Tiffany Marjean Holden as Marjean Katy Thorson as Zarina Michael Danek as Gus "Moonlighting" 90 ( 94/02/17 ) 10.4/15 Written by Ian Gurvitz Directed by Peter Bonerz To ease Alex's embarrassment at having to take a job as a waitress during the off-season, the rest of the gang tell their own stories of off-season jobs. Joe flew a star chimpanzee, Fay dressed up as a giant lobster, Antonio sold funeral plots, and Brian and Helen performed a magic and flesh act for Roy's lodge. Additional Cast: Dan Castellaneta as George Wexler Christopher Curry as Bobby Young Christopher Michael Moore as Buzz Crandall Eddie as Mr. Bongo "Sleepless in Nantucket" 91 ( 94/03/10 ) 14.4/22 Written by Jeffrey Richman & Joyce Gittlin Directed by Peter Bonerz Thinking it will be a good idea, Brian moves in with Alex, but both become quickly irritated by the other's annoying habits. But when faced with the prospect of breaking up, the two settle their differences. Meanwhile, Lowell attempts to come up with a name for his sister's baby. Additional Cast: None "Boys Will Be Girls" 92 ( 94/04/07 ) 15.1/24 Written by David Lloyd Directed by Peter Bonerz When the high school football coach who used to terrorize the Hackett brothers returns to Nantucket to be honored in a gym dedication, Joe and Brian plan a practical joke to get even. Sneaking into the coach's room at night, the brothers dress him up as a woman and take pictures of him. Unfortunately, the coach died earlier that night, and when his body is discovered in the morning, rumors abound about his cross-dressing private life. When Helen learns about the brothers' practical joke, she forces them to speak at the dedication ceremony, but instead of admitting their deed, the brothers defend the right of privacy of individuals and escape unscathed. Additional Cast: Jack Ging as Dan Mattay William Dennis Hunt as Doctor Charles Dougherty as Hotel Manager Brian D. Turk as Bud Mattay Bernard Kuby as Mr. Lattimer "Roy Crazy" 93 ( 94/04/14 ) 12.2/20 Written by Mark Reisman Directed by Peter Bonerz The appearance of Roy's ex-wife Sylvia on Nantucket surprises the gang as much as it delights Roy. Roy hopes for a reconciliation and a return, but Brian finds out that Sylvia intends to sleep with Roy to get back at her cheating husband. Roy doesn't want to believe Brian, but eventually skips on sleeping with Sylvia. Meanwhile, Helen tries to fend off a smitten waiter. Additional Cast: Concetta Tomei as Sylvia John Hawkes as Mark the Waiter "Long Distance Lament" 94 ( 94/04/28 ) 12.9/20 Written by Shelly Landau Directed by Peter Bonerz When Davis cancels yet another date, Helen decides to go out with another man. When Joe's date with Sandra suddenly comes into conflict with his date with Joy, Joe decides to lie his way out of his date with Sandra. Joe's lie comes back to bite him, as Joy cancels on him. Davis shows up on the island and treats Joe to supper at the Club Car, where Helen and her date show up, followed quickly by Sandra. Joe ends up discovered, while Helen and Davis go elsewhere to reconcile. Additional Cast: Mark Harelik as Davis John Putch as Jeff Julia Paige as Sandra "Call of the Wild" 95 ( 94/05/05 ) 13.7/23 Written by Howard Gewirtz & Steven Levitan Directed by Leonard R. Garner, Jr. When Brian's old friend Danny arrives on the island, the two start reliving their old, wild lifestyle, and Alex begins to feel neglected. Things come to a boil when Brian returns from an all-night party in New York City. Alex tells him to pack up his stuff and get out of her apartment, and Brian's final plea at the end fails. Meanwhile, Lowell is taken advantage of by his childhood TV star, Big Strong Man. Additional Cast: Charles Rocket as Danny Robert Ridgely as Big Strong Man Rhonda Aldrich as Marcy Lucky Vanous as Young Man "A Decent Proposal" 96 ( 94/05/12 ) 13.1/22 Written by Mark Reisman & Ian Gurvitz Directed by Peter Bonerz Joe's efforts to raise more money for Sandpiper seem to be on the verge of paying off; he awaits word from the bank loan office. Meanwhile, Helen is distraught at the news of Davis' midweek arrival; she is sure that Davis is coming to break up with her. But Davis surprises her with a marriage proposal, and she accepts. She leaves the airport to go home and pack for a flight to New York that night just as Joe arrives back from the bank, with the good news that the bank has agreed on the loan. Stunned by the news of the marriage, Joe goes over to Helen's house. Joe and Helen congratulate one another on their respective good fortunes, but the memory of their relationship returns. When Brian enters Joe's room later than night to bemoan his ruined relationship with Alex, he finds a surprise...Joe and Helen are back together again! [ Farrah Forke's last show as a regular. ] Additional Cast: Mark Harelik as Davis Lynch Timothy Stack as Mr. Elias [actually, Mr. Thompson] Ray Charles as Himself Season 6 ( 1994 - 1995 ) -- 26 episodes --------------------------------------- NBC, Tuesdays, 8:00 ET Executive Producer Howard Gewirtz Executive Producer Mark Reisman Co-executive Producer Ian Gurvitz Supervising Producer Steven Levitan Produced by Robin Chamberlin Executive Producers David Angell & Peter Casey & David Lee Co-producer Shelly Landau Associate Producer Lori A. Moneymaker Executive Story Editors Ellen Byron & Lissa Kapstrom Story Editor Michael Sardo Creative Consultants Joyce Gittlin & Jeffrey Richman Creative Consultant(100-122) Dave Hackel Creative Consultant Bob Ellison "Whose Wife is it Anyway?" 97 ( 94/09/20 ) 12.3 Written by Ian Gurvitz Directed by Leonard R. Garner, Jr. After their night together, Helen tells Joe that it was all a big mistake, and she goes to New York to marry Davis. While bemoaning his loss with Brian (who has sorrows of his own, when news comes that Alex has left the island for good), Joe comes to realize that he has to win Helen back. He chases after her and intercepts her in the elevator up to Davis' penthouse. Joe asks Helen to marry him, and she says yes. [ Ending credits sequence changed; in this and subsequent episodes, instead of playing the theme song, a trailer scene, or "tag," is shown. ] Additional Cast: Douglas Rowe as Reverend Saunders "Twisted Sister" 98 ( 94/09/27 ) 13.9 Written by Steven Levitan Directed by David Lee The arrival of Helen's elder sister Casey to Nantucket sidetracks Joe's plans to give Helen an engagement ring. What was originally planned to be an evening for two at Lexington's becomes a party of four, with Casey along to catch up with Helen and Brian along to occupy Casey. Then, before Joe can give Helen the ring, Casey gives Helen an even larger ring as a gift, and Joe's angry frustration brings the night to a halt. He apologizes later that night at Helen's house and gives her the ring, but once again Casey drops in to spoil things. Tired of her sister's snide comments, Helen stands up to Casey. After the confrontation, Casey breaks down and reveals that her husband has left her with no home and no money, and Helen invites Casey to stay as long as she wants. Additional Cast: Amy Yasbeck as Casey Layne Beamer as Waiter "The Shrink" 99 ( 94/10/04 ) 13.4 Written by Mark Reisman Directed by Leonard R. Garner, Jr. After Brian's depression about Alex's departure results in a near-breakdown while he's piloting a flight, Joe suggests he go see a psychiatrist. Once there, Brian makes a partial recovery, but Joe is the one with the true breakthrough, as he realizes that his earlier acceptance of Helen's suggestion of an earlier wedding day may mean trouble for him during the marriage. When confronted, Helen agrees on the original wedding day, until Casey sparks some doubts. Misunderstandings ensue, leading to the wedding being called off. But Dr. Greyson's appearance at the airport for a flight lead to a reconciliation. Meanwhile, Lowell attempts to find his hat, which Antonio lost. Additional Cast: Amy Yasbeck as Casey George Plimpton as Dr. Greyson "The Spark and How to Get It" 100 ( 94/10/11 ) 13.7/22 Written by Howard Gewirtz Directed by Leonard R. Garner, Jr. After his therapist pronounces him to be fully recovered from his breakup with Alex, Brian plunges back into the dating world. His efforts at the Club Car yield nothing of interest (despite Antonio's assistance with the "good cop, bad cop" routine), so he follows the advice of the others and starts dating casual friend Joan. That elusive "spark" that is missing from their three dates comes to life for Brian when he breaks up with her, but for her the "spark" that was there during their dates is gone. Meanwhile, Lowell prepares a commencement address for his alma mater and Casey gets her hair done. [This is the 100th episode. Amy Yasbeck credited as a regular.] Additional Cast: Dedee Pfeiffer as Joan Jeffrey King as Bartender Michael-Anne Poston as Lisa Dendrie Taylor as Cindy Leslie Windram as Young Woman "The Waxman Cometh" 101 ( 94/10/18 ) 12.3 Written by Shelly Landau Directed by Leonard R. Garner, Jr. After receiving $25,000 from the family trust fund, Lowell invests the money in an old wax museum. Despite everyone's doubts about it, Lowell renovates the museum, but at the lackluster grand reopening of "Lowell Mather's House O' Wax," he comes to realize that it won't be easy. When news comes of a disastrous fire at the museum, Lowell is determined to start again from scratch, but when he realizes the place is insured fully against fire, he is just thankful to have his money back. Additional Cast: Bill Wiley as Gilbert Roberta Hanlen as Woman Eric A. Dram as Delivery Man "Is That a Ten-Foot Sandwich or Are You Just Happy to See Me?" 102 ( 94/11/01 ) 14.6 Written by Ellen Byron and Lissa Kapstrom Directed by Jeff Melman Joe and Helen just want some time alone with one another, but Brian and Casey continually interrupt them. To apologize, Brian and Casey decide to plan a surprise engagement party, but Antonio misinterprets an overheard conversation between the two and believes Brian to be sleeping with Casey. When she hears about it, Helen drags Joe to the party site well before they are expected, intent on stopping her sister. The two find out about the engagement party, but end up getting a big surprise, nevertheless. Additional Cast: None "All's Fair" 103 ( 94/11/08 ) 11.9 Written by Steven Levitan Directed by Leonard R. Garner, Jr. To help pay off a $1500 IRS fine, Antonio becomes the driver/errand boy/ personal assistant to Gavin Rutledge, a businessman visiting Nantucket for a week for a real estate deal. Uncomfortable at seeing Casey dating Gavin, Antonio faces a dilemma when he finds out that Gavin is married. At the price of his job, Antonio tells Casey about Gavin, and Casey shows her gratitude by giving Antonio a jewelry gift she received from Gavin. Meanwhile, Joe is irked that Brian had a dream about Helen. Additional Cast: Jonathan Frakes as Gavin Rutledge "Miss Jenkins" 104 ( 94/11/15 ) Written by Michael Sardo Directed by Leonard R. Garner, Jr. The return of ninth grade English teacher Laura Jenkins to Nantucket reawakens the Hacketts' schoolboy crushes. For Brian, fantasy becomes reality when he spends the night with her, but to his embarrassment, he doesn't perform. Meanwhile, Roy deals with a con man interested in marrying his mother for her social security benefits. [ No tag. ] Additional Cast: Peggy Lipton as Miss Jenkins Soupy Sales as Fred Gardner Megan McGinnis as Susie Marty York as Kenny "If It's Not One Thing, It's Your Mother" 105 ( 94/11/22 ) 13.2/21 Written by Joyce Gittlin and Jeffrey Richman Directed by Jeff Melman When Helen and Casey's mother Deedee arrives on Nantucket, Helen's not sure which sister her mother is here to see. And when Helen finds out that her mother has gambled away the dowry for the wedding, she's convinced that Casey has always been the favorite of the family. Meanwhile, Fay and Roy split a ticket to a Barbra Streisand concert, Antonio adopts Deedee as his own mother, and Lowell and Brian stuff themselves on Deedee's food in an attempt to outeat the other. Additional Cast: Debbie Reynolds as Deedee Chappel "The Wrong Stuff" 106 ( 94/11/29 ) 12.8/20 Written by David Lloyd Directed by Leonard R. Garner, Jr. To counteract Roy's Aeromass promotions, the Hacketts woo famous astronaut Ace Galvin for a celebrity endorsement of Sandpiper. Joe and Brian quickly discover that Galvin is as charming and persuasive in public life as he is irritating and obnoxious in private life. Any thoughts of signing him up are dashed when Roy beats them to the punch, but Roy quickly discovers just how obnoxious Galvin can be. Additional Cast: Robert Culp as Ace Galvin Kirk Jordan as Guy "Insanity Claus" 107 ( 94/12/13 ) 13.1/21 Written by Ian Gurvitz Directed by Leonard R. Garner, Jr. On Christmas Eve, when Antonio buys Helen's last jelly doughnut, new air traffic controller Bob snaps, pulls out a gun, and takes Antonio hostage. Matters for Antonio only get worse when it is revealed that his new girlfriend is Bob's wife. Joe is able to talk Bob into surrendering his gun, but the others are not appreciative of the means he uses. Additional Cast: Dann Florek as Bob Catherine Silvers as Phoebe Louis Mustillo as Wise Man "She's Baaack" 108 ( 95/01/03 ) 14.4/22 Written by Rick Copp & David A. Goodman Directed by Rick Beren When Sandy Cooper returns to the island, Joe fears yet another bizarre encounter with the obsessed woman. She tells him it was all a practical joke, and Joe believes her until a stop at Helen's house becomes Joe and Sandy's wedding day. Meanwhile, Fay foists the 70's wardrobe of one of her dead husbands onto Antonio and Lowell tries life as a vegetarian. Additional Cast: Valerie Mahaffey as Sandy Cooper "Have I Got a Couple for You" 109 ( 95/01/10 ) 12.9/20 Written by Mark Reisman Directed by Jeff Melman With nothing to do one Saturday night, Joe and Helen start socializing with a new couple on the island, the Tuckers. Joe and Helen's initial trepidation is soon forgotten in all the fun, but the Tuckers quickly tire of their needy counterparts. Meanwhile, Brian and Casey start hitting the singles hangouts together and Antonio becomes Lowell's "hands" when Lowell injures his own working on the cab. Additional Cast: Tony Carreiro as Scott Tucker Amy Van Nostrand as Gwen Tucker Jerry Penacoli as Stan Chester Diane R. Behrens as Woman "Fools Russian" 110 ( 95/01/31 ) 12.3/19 Written by Howard Gewirtz Directed by Jeff Melman When Roy flies in a mail-order bride from Russia, Helen tries to convince Roy and his bride Anya that this marriage should not be, but both ignore her. Anya's resolve is weakened after a chance encounter with another man, and the sight of her weeping just moments away from their wedding is enough to convince Roy to free her from her commitments to him. Meanwhile, Fay and Lowell cram to try and charade as lovers and impress Fay's soon-to-arrive friends. Additional Cast: Natasha Pavlova as Anya Volkova Perry Stephens as Evan Gregg Berger as Clerk Renata Scott as Myra "Let's Call the Whole Thing Off" 111 ( 95/02/07 ) 12.4/19 Written by Ellen Byron and Lissa Kapstrom Directed by Jeff Melman Struggling to agree on wedding plans, Joe and Helen decide to crash another couple's wedding to check out a place. Unfortunately, their fighting infects the newlyweds. Later, seeing the newlyweds at the airport about to take separate honeymoons, Joe and Helen try to right their wrongs and bring the two newlyweds back together. Joe and Helen's efforts help themselves see that their wedding plan disagreements are not indicative of the marriage to be, but the two newlyweds are only convinced to get an annulment. Meanwhile, Lowell and Antonio train for a Polar Bears contest. Additional Cast: David Kaufman as Rick Lisa Picotte as Karen Patrick Mickler as Fred Wendy Worthington as Woman Steve Susskind as Bandleader "Remembrance of Flings Past I" 112 ( 95/02/09 ) 19.8/30 Written by Ian Gurvitz Directed by Jeff Melman The gang make preparations for the upcoming five-class Siasconset High School reunion, but events at the reunion are not what anyone expect. A tipsy Helen uses the welcoming speech to finally lash back against the snickering cheerleaders. Lowell renews his relationship with his mentor Mr. Conley, but soon discovers how crazy the man is. Casey hides the truth about her and Stuart from her old friends. A lonely Antonio crashes the reunion. Brian's feelings for his old high school flame Sara are not deterred by the presence of her small son. And Joe receives shocking news from Sara: he may be the father of her son. [ This episode was originally broadcast 9:30 ET Thursday. ] Additional Cast: Sheila Kelley as Sara Tom Hatten as Mr. Conley Lesley Boone as Wendy Zachary B. Charles as Jason Bob Moore as Bandleader "Remembrance of Flings Past II" 113 ( 95/02/14 ) Written by Howard Gewirtz and Steven Levitan Directed by Jeff Melman After receiving the news that he might possibly be the father of Sara's child, Joe is advised by Roy to keep quiet on the whole affair, but Joe's guilt forces him to tell Brian and Helen. Brian is angry that Joe slept with his ex-girlfriend; Helen is upset but supportive. When blood tests reveal that Joe is not the father, Joe and Helen are happy, but Brian's hopes that Sara will remain on the island are dashed when she decides to leave and find her child's true father. Meanwhile, Lowell questions his choice in careers, and Antonio struggles to make Casey his valentine. [ No tag. ] Additional Cast: Sheila Kelley as Sara Zachary B. Charles as Jason "Gone But Not Faygotten" 114 ( 95/02/21 ) Written by Shelly Landau and Michael Sardo Directed by Leonard R. Garner, Jr. When Fay decides to retire, Joe and Brian hire Casey to replace Fay at the counter. To the Hacketts' surprise, Casey works wonders for their business. When Fay asks for her old job back, the two brothers face a predicament. Rather than fire Casey, they decide to keep both Fay and Casey at the counter, and the sparks soon fly between the women. Casey's demands that the brothers get rid of one of them are quickly fulfilled. [ Tag not shown on NBC. ] Additional Cast: Michael J. Pollard as Benny Jack Kehler as Earl Julie Sanford as Woman "Ex, Lies and Videotape" 115 ( 95/02/28 ) Written by Ellen Byron and Lissa Kapstrom Directed by Jeff Melman Brian's excitement at appearing on a talk show is dampened when his ex-girlfriend Alex also appears. After bitter words on and off the screen, the two sleep together, but Brian decides to end things. He is beaten to the punch, however, as Alex leaves once again. [ Amy Yasbeck does not appear in this episode. ] Additional Cast: Caroline Aaron as Mary Pat Lee Richard McGonagle as Reverend Powell Farrah Forke as Alex Lambert "Portrait of the Con Artist as a Young Man" 116 ( 95/03/21 ) Written by Joyce Gittlin and Jeffrey Richman Directed by Ken Levine Lowell's innocent birthday gift to Casey lands him a show at an art museum when Casey shows off the gift to a director of a museum. Determined to launch both their careers in the art world, Casey relentlessly pushes Lowell's artistic abilities to the limit to try to meet the show deadline, but eventually gives up after seeing how stressed out Lowell becomes. Meanwhile, Brian's efforts to finish a roll of film for Joe and Helen are not appreciated, as the prank film ends up in the hands of Helen's parents. Additional Cast: Christie Mellor as Maya "The Love, Life and Times of Joe and Helen" 117 ( 95/04/04 ) Written by Steven Levitan Directed by Jeff Melman As a wedding gift for Joe and Helen, Brian captures everyone's memories of the couple's relationship on video. Additional Cast: Jill Pierce as Woman "A House to Die For" 118 ( 95/05/02 ) Written by David Lloyd Directed by Jeff Melman Carlton's ill health becomes a boon to the gang when Carlton's nephew Lewis invites them over to Carlton's house to start selling off the old man's items. Joe and Helen have an eye for the house itself, Brian drools over a muscle car, and Roy looks for furniture. But all is for naught, as Carlton's health makes a swift turnaround. Additional Cast: Gilbert Gottfried as Lewis Richard Voigts as Doctor Christopher Daniel Barnes Jennifer Elise Cox Olivia Hack [as the Brady Bunch] Jesse Lee Paul Sutera "Nuptials Off" 119 ( 95/05/09 ) Written by Michael Sardo Directed by Jeff Melman When Helen discovers that she and Antonio are still legally married, she turns to Roy for help. He convinces her that she needs to fly to Mexico over the weekend to get a quickie divorce, but that means sending Joe out of town on a weekend fly-fishing getaway. But Helen's plans are strained when Antonio brings a priest in for an annulment and Joe's flight is delayed. Additional Cast: Charles Cioffi as Father Maguire Melissa Justin as Roberta "Et Tu, Antonio?" 120 ( 95/05/16 ) 9.9/17 Written by Ian Gurvitz & Mark Reisman Directed by Leonard R. Garner, Jr. When Antonio's cousin Dominic and his fiancee Teresa visit Nantucket, Antonio finds himself struggling to ignore his feelings for Teresa. He succumbs to temptation during supper at his apartment, when Teresa voices her concerns over problems with her relationship, but he ultimately helps his cousin win Teresa back. Meanwhile, Helen's side of the family outshines Joe's side when the wedding gifts start rolling in. [ Amy Yasbeck does not appear in this episode. ] Additional Cast: Maurice Godin as Dominic Fabiana Udenio as Teresa "Boys Just Want to Have Fun" 121 ( 95/05/23 ) Written by Michael Sardo & Shelly Landau Directed by Rick Beren The night before the wedding, Helen warns Joe not to have too wild of a bachelor party. But it's Helen who ignores her own advice in a wild bachelorette party, while Joe suffers through the worst bachelor party Brian has ever thrown. Later that night, after the guys return, Casey accidentally slips into bed with Brian, and neither feel like leaving the other's company. [ No tag. ] Additional Cast: Anne Tremko as Jessica Blaine Gray as Sergeant Steve Sara Ballantine as Joanne Carla Barnett as Susie "Here It Is: The Big Wedding" 122 ( 95/05/23 ) Written by Ellen Byron & Lissa Kapstrom Directed by Jeff Melman Joe and Helen's wedding day gets off to bad start when the best man and maid of honor, Brian and Casey, oversleep after spending the night together. When Antonio discovers this, he and Brian fight, and in the struggle the wedding ring is lost down the toilet, followed quickly by Joe's searching hand. Both ring and hand are stuck fast, and thus are Joe and Helen finally married, in a hotel bathroom. [ Thomas Haden Church's last episode as a regular. This episode was originally broadcast 8:30 ET Tuesday. ] Additional Cast: Bruce Gray as Reverend Season 7 ( 1995 - 1996 ) -- 26 Episodes --------------------------------------- NBC, Tuesdays, 8:00 pm ET (123-143) NBC, Tuesdays, 8:30 pm ET (144-148) Executive Producer Howard Gewirtz Executive Producer Mark Reisman Co-executive Producer(123-134)/ Ian Gurvitz Executive Producer(135-148) Producer Jeffrey Richman Producer Christopher Vane Produced by Robin Chamberlin Executive Producers David Angell & Peter Casey & David Lee Co-Producers Ellen Byron and Lissa Kapstrom Co-Producer Lori A. Moneymaker Executive Story Editor Michael Sardo Story Editor Lori Kirkland Creative Consultant Joyce Gittlin Creative Consultant Bob Ellison Creative Consultant(144,146) David A. Goodman "Burnin' Down The House I" 123 ( 95/09/19 ) 11.9/20 Written by Ian Gurvitz Directed by Jeff Melman Joe and Helen return from their honeymoon in Jamaica to receive bad news: a night of passion between Brian and Casey in Helen's house results in a devastating fire that razes the house and leaves Brian kicked out of home and Sandpiper by Joe. [ Rebecca Schull does not appear in this episode. No tag. ] Additional Cast: Robert Starr as Passenger Christopher Brown as Concierge "Burnin' Down The House II" 124 ( 95/09/26 ) 11.4/19 Written by Howard Gewirtz Directed by Jeff Melman While digging through the rubble of Helen's home, Brian and Casey unearth the suitcase and photograph that had been the Hackett brothers' only inheritance from their father. Brian's attempts to remind Joe of that fail, but Joe later sees a vision of his late father and forgives Brian. Meanwhile, Antonio executes his revenge on Brian and Casey, and Helen takes her anger out on Casey's beautiful clothes. [ No tag. ] Additional Cast: Don Murray as Dad Stephen Wesley Bridgewater as Al Skoog Peter McDonald as Scott Sommers "Death Becomes Him" 125 ( 95/10/10 ) 14.1/23 Written by Mark Reisman & Ian Gurvitz Directed by Leonard R. Garner, Jr. The sad news of Richard Kingsbury's death in Miami is occasion for celebration at Sandpiper, as Kingsbury's daughter hires the Hacketts to bring the body back to Nantucket. But the brothers fly the wrong body back to the island, and it's up to Joe to impersonate the late Kingsbury at the funeral. [ No tag. ] Additional Cast: Marian Seldes as Eleanor Kingsbury Scott N. Stevens as Wilson Kingsbury Heather Elizabeth Parkhurst as Stacy William Frankfather as Thurman Charles M. Dugan as Stubbs "The Person Formerly Known as Lowell" 126 ( 95/10/31 ) 9.3/15 Written by Mark Reisman Directed by Jeff Melman Back from vacation, Lowell lands in trouble after witnessing a mob hit in Boston. Threatened by a mob lawyer, Lowell decides to join the Witness Protection Program and leave Nantucket forever, rather than keep quiet and see a guilty man released. Additional Cast: Andrew Robinson as Michael Foster Tucker Smallwood as Agent Stark Danny Goldring as Agent Douglas Thomas Haden Church as Lowell "Hooker, Line and Sinker" 127 ( 95/11/07 ) 12.3/19 Written by Christopher Vane Directed by Rick Beren To lift Antonio's spirits after he's been dumped by "The Big-faced Girl," Joe and Brian set him up with a woman at Club Car. Only after Antonio has a great time do the two discover that the woman is a hooker. [ No tag. ] Additional Cast: Susan Diol as Heather "She's Gotta Have It" 128 ( 95/11/14 ) 11.1/17 Written by Ellen Byron & Lissa Kapstrom Directed by Jeff Melman Joe and Helen reap unexpected riches after receiving a large insurance settlement for Helen's burned-down house, but Joe soon faces the task of stopping Helen's subsequent shopping spree from leaving them broke. Meanwhile, Brian and Casey struggle to find something in common, and Antonio returns to Edna, "The Big-faced Girl." [ Originally scheduled to air 95/10/03, preempted by MLB playoffs. ] Additional Cast: Tom Parks as Phil Craig Richard Nelson as Auctioneer Patricia Place as Woman Peter Tork as Himself "So Long, Frank Lloyd Wrong" 129 ( 95/11/21 ) 11.0/18 Written by Howard Gewirtz Directed by Rick Beren Joe and Helen's initial fortune at landing famous architect Y. M. Berg to design their new house soon turns sour as he suggests a house in the shape of a giant "7." Meanwhile, Brian hires a new mechanic, Budd Bronski, who attempts to live down a previous "incident." [ No tag. ] Additional Cast: Edward Herrmann as Y. M. Burg Brian Haley as Budd Bronski Patricia Ayame Thomson as Assistant "When a Man Loves a Donut" 130 ( 95/12/05 ) 10.1/16 Written by Jeffrey Richman & Joyce Gittlin Directed by Leonard R. Garner, Jr. Spurned by Joe (who's too busy with his new wife to spend time with him), Brian tries to find consolence in food, but ends up trying to deal with his problems at a meeting of the "Eat-a-holics." Meanwhile, Antonio tries to adjust to tight shoes, and Casey is hired by the Nantucket Tourist Board. Additional Cast: Brian Haley as Budd Bronski Gregg Berger as Mr. Douglas Sheila Shaw as Terri Paul Bates as Lester Steve Hofvendahl as Passenger Barbara Babbin as Woman "The Big Sleep" 131 ( 95/12/12 ) Written by Michael Sardo Directed by Jeff Melman After fighting with Helen over the architect's plans for their new house, Joe has a dream that the two of them and Antonio die in a plane crash, on their way to see the architect. Brian's attempts to convince Joe to heed the dream's warning fail, and soon Joe finds himself plunging to earth in his plane... Additional Cast: Brian Haley as Budd Bronski "'Twas the Heist Before Christmas" 132 ( 95/12/19 ) Written by Ellen Byron & Lisa Kappstrom Directed by Jeff Melman Nothing goes right at Helen's Christmas party: Joe wants to hit the slopes soon before the roads are snowed under, Brian brings a date with bad breath, Antonio gives but doesn't receive, Roy misses his mother, Budd tries to be social, and Casey invites Cartlon's annoying nephew Lewis. [ Brian Haley credited as a regular. No tag. ] Additional Cast: Gilbert Gottfried as Lewis Suanne Braun as Erica Robert Craighead as Policeman "Honey, We Broke the Kid" 133 ( 96/01/02 ) 11.0/16 Written by Lori Kirkland Directed by Jeff Melman Joe and Helen's offer to babysit a child for some friends isn't quite the rewarding learning experience that they'd hoped it would be. Meanwhile, Casey gets a Hollywood star to come to the island, but he responds more to Antonio's adoration than Casey's advances. [ No tag. ] Additional Cast: Chelsea Lynn as Emily Clint Carmichael as Deke Robert Curtis Brown as Bob Carolyn Pemberton as Linda "B.S., I Love You" 134 ( 96/01/09 ) 12.1/18 Written by Christopher Vane Directed by Leonard R. Garner, Jr. Joe and Brian are thrilled at the return of Grandpa Hackett, but Helen isn't so sure Grandpa is who he says he is. "Jack Hackett" turns out to be a friend of the Hacketts' father from his days in the mental institution, who just wanted to feel like part of the Hackett family. Meanwhile, Antonio refuses to continue a chain letter, and suffers. [ Brian Haley does not appear in this episode. No tag. ] Additional Cast: Pat Hingle as Jack Hackett Greg Behrendt as Man "Sons and Lovers" 135 ( 96/01/16 ) 12.1/18 Written by Jeffrey Richman & Joyce Gittlin Directed by Jeff Melman R.J. returns to the island to help celebrate his father Roy's birthday, but the initial reconciliation between Roy and R.J. is dashed when R.J. brings his significant other to the party. Meanwhile, Brian helps Antonio out by driving the cab while Antonio waits for his driver's license. [ Brian Haley does not appear in this episode. ] Additional Cast: Abraham Benrubi as R.J. Biggins Tim Bagley as Luke Raymond O'Connor as Engineer Willy "Bye, George" 136 ( 96/01/30 ) 11.8/18 Written by Jim McCoulf Directed by Jeff Melman Fay quickly falls for Lyle, the dashing man she met on a cruise, but the wedding is jeopardized when Fay learns that Lyle's real first name is George. [ No tag. ] Additional Cast: Norman Lloyd as Lyle Bartlett John Valentine as Minister "The Team Player" 137 ( 96/02/06 ) 11.4/18 Written by Howard Gewirtz Directed by Leonard R. Garner, Jr. A publicity disaster occurs when Antonio bumps the Bruins' abrasive star goalie Danny "Dead End" Connelly off a Sandpiper flight to a critical game, causing the Bruins to lose. Meanwhile, Casey welcomes the International Society of Masochists to Nantucket. [ Rebecca Schull and Brian Haley do not appear in this episode. ] Additional Cast: David Gianopoulos as Danny Connelly Fred Stoller as Mr. Lutz Gregg Daniel as Gregg Sandy Edgerton as Diane Jeanne Bates as Mrs. Peabody Jay Leno as Himself Fred Roggin as Himself "Love At First Flight" 138 ( 96/02/13 ) 11.0/18 Written by Michael Sardo Directed by Darryl Bates Brian falls in love with a woman he is flying to her wedding on Nantucket. Meanwhile, Antonio has mixed feelings upon hearing the news that Roy is dating Edna, "The Big-faced Girl." [ No tag. ] Additional Cast: Ally Walker as Melissa Williams Matthew Porretta as David Barnes "Lynch Party" 139 ( 96/02/20 ) 11.7/19 Written by Ian Gurvitz and Mark Reisman Directed by Jeff Melman When news arrives that Davis Lynch has re-surfaced, Helen recounts the tale of how she never broke off her engagement, then tries to break the news to Davis when he comes to see her, while not alerting Joe. [ Rebecca Schull and Brian Haley do not appear in this episode. No tag. ] Additional Cast: Mark Harelik as Davis Lynch Jennifer Rhodes as Mavis Jeanette Miller as Grammy Lynch "One Flew Over the Cooper's Nest" 140 ( 96/02/27 ) 11.6/19 Written by Ellen Byron & Lissa Kapstrom Directed by Jeff Melman Sandy's return sends Joe to the psychologist, as no one believes his stories of Sandy's obsession with him. The psychologist does wonders to calm Joe down, but the real psycho is revealed when Joe meets Sandy in the vacant psychologist's office. Meanwhile, Roy, Antonio, Fay and Casey try to deal with the news that they may have suffered food poisoning from Helen's tuna. [ Brian Haley does not appear in this episode. ] Additional Cast: Valerie Mahaffey as Sandy Cooper "Driving Mr. DeCarlo" 141 ( 96/03/12 ) 11.8/20 Written by Christopher Vane Directed by Jeff Melman Antonio thinks his fortunes have taken a turn for the better when one of his passengers hires him to be a personal chauffeur. But some overheard conversations seem to indicate that his new boss is a mobster. Meanwhile, Helen hurriedly reads _Don Quixote_ when her old English lit teacher from high school shows up. Additional Cast: J. J. Johnston as Mr. DeCarlo Jane Carr as Claire Bennett "A Tale of Two Sister Cities" 142 ( 96/03/26 ) 10.1/17 Written by Jeffrey Richman Directed by Leonard R. Garner, Jr. On the verge of losing her job with the Tourism Board, Casey sees a solution when her sister city idea is accepted. But things start going downhill when Brian sleeps with the visiting princess of prospective sister city Khirinan. [ Brian Haley does not appear in this episode. No tag. ] Additional Cast: Raye Birk as Prince Restivon Jocelyn Seagrave as Princess Fala Michael Bailey Smith as Jaffra Keith Neubert as Clete Monte Grix as Mitch "What About Larry?" 143 ( 96/04/09 ) 9.4/16 Written by Mark Reisman & Michael Sardo Directed by Jeff Melman The contractor Joe and Helen hire to build their house falls apart when his wife kicks him out, and the Hacketts try to rebuild his confidence and get him back to work. Meanwhile, a vacationing George Kennedy is bothered by an annoying fan: Brian. [ Brian Haley does not appear in this episode. No tag. ] Additional Cast: George Kennedy as Himself Mark Blum as Larry Mohr Rick Lenz as Jerry Joanna Daniels as Cathy Teddi Siddall as Alice Jason Grant Smith as Fred "The Lady Vanishes" 144 ( 96/04/23 ) 12.5/21 Written by Ian Gurvitz & Michael Sardo Directed by Jeff Melman Antonio meets the perfect woman, but when she disappears before he can even get her name, he goes on a desperate search for her, only to eventually discover that it isn't just coincidence that she was so difficult to track down. Meanwhile, Brian impresses Helen with his ability to read women. [ Brian Haley does not appear in this episode. ] Additional Cast: Michelle Nicastro as Ariel Reed Anne Francis as Vera Ellen Ratner as Rita Weston Blakesley as Cop "Life Could Be a Dream" 145 ( 96/04/30 ) 11.1/18 Written by Lori Kirkland Directed by Jeff Melman The unearthing of a twenty-year-old time capsule is occasion for reflection on the futures Joe, Brian, Helen and Casey envisioned for themselves when they were kids. Joe dreamed of being a pitcher for the Red Sox, Brian dreamed of being a suave secret agent, and Casey dreamed of being a supermodel, but only Helen's dream came true. [ Brian Haley does not appear in this episode. No tag. ] Additional Cast: Alan Fudge as Mayor Nick Meaney as Photographer Roger Hewlett as Bodyguard Jennifer Tung as Thong Courtney Taylor as Mounds O' Plenty Van Epperson as Mon on Crutches Robin Krieger as Reporter Nicki Heyman as Boy "The Lyin' King" 146 ( 96/05/07 ) 10.5/17 Written by Christopher Vane Directed by Jeff Melman Joe faces a moral dilemma; can he lie to Helen, to go with Brian to a strip club? To soothe his conscience, he volunteers some time at the Golden Crest retirement home, but ends up taking one of the residents with him to the strip club. Meanwhile, Fay and Antonio write their own eulogies. [ Brian Haley does not appear in this episode. ] Additional Cast: Carol Alt as Tracy Hayes Phil Leeds as Lou "Love Overboard" 147 ( 96/05/14 ) 10.8/18 Written by Ellen Byron & Lissa Kapstrom Directed by Leonard R. Garner, Jr. Casey finally catches up with the husband who abandoned her two years ago, but her rage dissipates at his professed remorse on his desperate act. She's understanding to his sad stories about bankruptcy and shame causing him to leave in the first place... until she sees him on his yacht. Meanwhile, Roy teaches Antonio how to dance. [ Brian Haley does not appear in this episode. ] Additional Cast: John Ritter as Stuart Davenport "Grouses, Houses and Bickering Spouses" 148 ( 96/05/21 ) 10.9/18 Written by Jeffrey Richman & Lori Kirkland Directed by Jeff Melman Burdened with continual problems living with Brian and Casey, as well as further delays in the building of their new home, Joe and Helen decide to buy another house. They solve one problem when they manage to sell their old new home, but another presents itself in their last moments in the old Hackett house. [ Brian Haley does not appear in this episode. No tag. ] Additional Cast: Eric Saiet as Andy Carolyn Lawrence as May Kirby Tepper as Felix Kit McDonough as Audrey David Bickford as Mr. Connelly Neal Kopit as Fireman Season 8 -------- NBC, Wednesdays, 8:00 pm ET ============================================================================== CHARACTER DESCRIPTIONS ====================== Joe Hackett (Joseph Montgomery Hackett) Joe is the owner (co-owner after Season 5) of and a pilot for Sandpiper Air, a one-plane commuter airline operating out of Nantucket, where he grew up. Interested in flying since he was young, Joe always knew aviation would be a part of his life. Joe and Fay started Sandpiper six years before the first episode, soon after Carol, his fiancee, left him for his brother, Brian. Joe is anal-retentive and high strung -- which he attributes to having to take care of his family when their mother walked out on them when he was about twelve -- although as the show progresses, he tries to relax a little. He is usually responsible, although he is capable of being as immature as Brian at times. Joe was born around November, 1960. Brian Hackett (Brian Michael Hackett) Brian, Joe's brother, is also a pilot. He married Carol, who, at the time, was Joe's fiancee. This led to a rift between the brothers, and they didn't speak for six years. Carol left him, too, and soon after, he and Joe patch up their relationship, and he accepts a job with Sandpiper. Brian describes himself as "a ten-percenter," meaning he is always trying crazy, stupid things, most of which don't work as planned, but the ten percent that do makes it worth it to him. He is slightly irresponsible and spends much of his time pursuing women, except in the fifth season, when he is involved in a serious relationship with Alex. As the show progresses, Brian seems to mature, and he becomes Joe's partner in the fifth season. Brian is about one year younger than Joe. Helen Chappel (Helen Chappel Hackett) Helen owns the lunch counter in the airport, which once belonged to her parents. Originally from Texas, she moved to Nantucket when she was ten and soon became close friends with both Joe and Brian -- many jokes make use of how well she and Joe know one another. For most of her life, Helen was overweight, but she beat her weight problem permanently sometime between when Joe started Sandpiper and the first episode. She does, however, still overeat when she's depressed or upset. She has always dreamed of being a concert cellist (however, in recent episodes, that has not been brought up). Helen and Joe date for three months in the second season, and after an ugly breakup, reconcile their friendship. They remain friends until Helen accepts Davis's marriage proposal, and their feelings for one another return, which leads to their engagement and marriage. Helen is a very physical character, and despite her small stature, she is not afraid to "rough up" the men. She tends to use a lot of hand motions and will often re-enter a scene immediately after an exit. Helen was born around November, 1962. Lowell Mather Lowell is the mechanic for Sandpiper and Aeromass. He has lived on Nantucket his whole life, but he didn't know Joe, Brian and Helen when they were kids. He lives on a boat until Brian sinks it, and then he moves in with Joe and Brian; he lives with them for over a year before he gets his own place. Lowell exhibits a rare mixture of idiocy and brilliance -- he is known as the best mechanic on the island, as well as "the man who will eat anything for a quarter." He is the only main character who is married (before Helen and Joe's marriage), until he discovers his wife, Bunny, is unfaithful and they separate and later divorce. In Fall 1995, Lowell enters the Witness Protection Program and leaves Nantucket. Lowell was born around April, 1963. Roy Biggins Roy is the owner of the other commuter airline on Nantucket, Aeromass, which is a seven-plane operation. Although they do tolerate him, none of the other characters really like him. He is chauvinistic, insensitive, and sarcastic. He enjoys making jokes at the other's expense (a favor which the others return). Roy cheats on his taxes, defrauds his insurance company, and steals cable TV; however, he never gets caught. In November 1991, Roy is elected to the town council. He has a distinguishing snickering laugh. Roy was born February 29, 1948. Fay Cochran (Fay Evelyn Cochran) Fay is a former airline stewardess who runs Sandpiper's counter. She and Joe met when the airline she worked for was forcing her to retire; soon after, she and Joe started Sandpiper. She is in her sixties, and has been married three times, each time to a man named George; all three of her husbands died. Fay can be slightly batty at times, and she is prone to rambling on without realizing it. She usually acts a lot younger than she is. She will often turn and exit after a delivery (of a line), and she is terrible at improvising. Fay was born in the early to mid 1930's. Antonio Scarpacci Antonio first appears as the head waiter at Pontrelli's, and later returns as a cab driver based out of the airport; he is one of four cab drivers on Nantucket. He is a resident alien from Italy who spends a lot of time trying to pick up on and fit into American culture. Alex Lambert Alex is a helicopter pilot who moves to Nantucket and opens up a helicopter tour business. She flew an Apache for the U.S. Army in Desert Storm. When she first arrives on the island, Alex is the object of a competition between Joe and Brian, which she deals with very coolly. At the end of the fourth season, she chooses to pursue a relationship with Brian. She and Brian are together until the end of the fifth season, when she breaks with him, feeling that he is not ready for a mature relationship. Soon after, she leaves Nantucket, fearing that if she were to stay, she and Brian would make the mistake of getting back together. Alex was born somewhere around 1966. Casey Davenport (Cassandra Chappel Davenport) Casey is Helen's older sister who comes to Nantucket at the beginning of the sixth season, after her rich husband, Stuart, left her after seven years of marriage. When they were kids, Casey always overshadowed Helen. Before Helen and Joe marry, she lives with Helen (until she gets herself back together) and then she moves in with Brian. Casey has trouble adjusting to life as a "normal" (not rich) person. Casey is about the same age as Joe and Brian. Budd Bronski Budd is the mechanic who replaces Lowell. He is an ex-marine who is trying to live down an "incident" from his past. Davis Lynch Davis is a wealthy investor from New York whom Joe invites to Nantucket to take a look at investing in Sandpiper in the fifth season. He decides against investing in Sandpiper, but does hit it off with Helen. His busy schedule forces him to often cancel their dates, but they're determined to make it work, and at the end of the fifth season he proposes (but Helen ends up engaged to Joe). Bunny Mather Bunny is Lowell's wife until the fifth season, when they finalize their divorce. They separate in the third season after six years of marriage when Lowell learns that she is unfaithful. Kenny McElvey (Kenneth Margaret McElvey) Kenny is hired as Sandpiper's backup pilot after Joe is grounded for high blood pressure. He is eighteen years old and in high school, and he got his commercial license just before he is hired. Gail Scott Gail is Joe's girlfriend after he and Helen break up. She and Helen do not get along well at all, until Joe insists they try to get along, and they become friends. She is a freelance writer from Washington D.C. who has a house on Nantucket. Carlton Blanchard Carlton is a very annoying, manipulative, old man who asks very annoying questions. Lewis Blanchard Lewis is Carlton's equally annoying nephew who is the heir to Carlton's estate. Sandy Cooper Sandy had a crush on Joe when they went to school together. Apparently, she never got over it and her obsession with Joe continues. Sylvia (ex-Biggins) Sylvia is Roy's ex-wife. Roy told everyone that she had died, but actually, she walked out on him sixteen years before the third season. She is married to the head of plastic surgery at New England General Hospital. Carol Hackett Carol is Brian's ex-wife and Joe's ex-fiancee. She left Joe at the altar and ran off with Brian. She presumably lives in London. Walter Walter is an air traffic controller at Tom Nevers Field. Mark the Waiter Mark is the waiter who serves Helen and Davis the first time they go out. He returns to hang around Helen's counter; he has a crush on her. Inspector Hanson Inspector Hanson is an F.A.A. inspector with no sense of humor. Katie Katie is the red-haired Aeromass employee who appears in many episodes. She has not had any lines. Kevin Kevin has appeared in four episodes, although only once credited as "Kevin." If his four appearances are supposed to be one character, he is an insurance representative and a frequent flyer on Sandpiper and Aeromass. ============================================================================== TRIVIA ====== General Show Trivia ------------------- The _Wings_ theme is adapted from Franz Schubert's Piano Sonata in A Major, D. 959, Fourth (last) Movement, Rondo. _Wings_ is filmed on the same sound stage as _Happy Days_ was (_Parade_), Paramount Studio 19. Coincidentally, Crystal Bernard played K.C. Cunningham during one season of _Happy Days_. When _Wings_ first aired, reviews were generally favorable. Among the negative reviews: in the Los Angeles Times, the critic wrote (paraphrased) "If God had meant NBC to have life after _Cheers_, He wouldn't have given them _Wings_." (_TV Guide_) Tim Daly and Steven Weber were cast in the lead roles partly due to their performances in _Diner_ and _The Kennedys of Massachusetts_, respectively. (_Houston Chronicle_) Peri Gilpin (who currently portrays Roz on _Frasier_) was tentatively cast as Helen Trionkis, but NBC exec Brandon Tartikoff suggested that Crystal Bernard be chosen for the role instead. The producers were impressed enough to rewrite the character of Helen, and then wait four months for Bernard to come free from previous commitments to shoot the pilot and six other episodes. (John Lynch, _Houston Chronicle_ and _People Weekly_) Thomas Haden Church originally tried out for the part of Brian but lost out to Weber. However, the producers were impressed enough by Church to create the role of Lowell for him. (Church on _Live With Regis and Kathie Lee_) NBC testing of the show was not particularly favorable, but when _Wings_ first aired after _Cheers_ in 1990, strong ratings in comparison to its predecessors (at the time, NBC had been having some difficulty filling the post-_Cheers_ time slot), as well as the competition (which at the time included ABC's highly-touted _Twin Peaks_ series) helped keep _Wings_ on the air. (David Lee and Dave Hackel) When interviewed about their choice for the location of _Wings_, the producers mentioned that they really only had two legitimate candidates: the northeastern US or the northwestern US. (_TV Guide_) Interestingly enough, Angell, Casey, and Lee have situated their other current sitcom _Frasier_ in Washington state. Lowell Mather is named after two dorms at Harvard, Lowell and Mather. (David Lee) The Italian restaurant Pontrelli's, in "Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places," was named after one of the assistants to the producers, Gina Pontrelli. In "If Elected, I Will Not Live," when the TV news broadcaster is announcing the results of the various electoral races, the names Ackerman and Casey appear on the screen behind him. In "The Wrong Stuff," the director for Sandpiper's TV commercial is Lenny Garner, and the cameraman is Jerry Workman. They were the director and director of photography, respectively, for that episode. In "Remembrance of Flings Past I," the cheerleader who tormented Helen was named Wendy Ellison, which not-so-coincidentally is also the name of an assistant to the producers. The original script for "Try to Remember the Night He Dismembered" called for Roy to tell the others that he dismembered and buried his late wife Sylvia in his backyard. That part was eventually changed to $250,000, but the episode title remained the same. (John Lynch) "There's Always Room for Cello" was first aired on 14 December 1990 (according to _The Television Yearbook_ by Frank Lovece), during _Wings_'s second season, but was actually produced during the first season. The episode's somewhat controversial (for the time) topic may have delayed its initial airing. (And in fact there is some question as to whether it was actually aired then, or if its first broadcast occurred in syndication on the USA Network.) (Paul D. Hutchison) When Alex Lambert first appeared on the show, it was not intended that she become a main character. Dave Hackel said that they had planned that she would be in three or four episodes. Her purpose was to be someone for Joe and Brian to chase after. (_Observer & Eccentric Cable/TV Weekly_) _Wings_'s Emmy Nominations * 1991-2 Lead Actor in a Comedy Series (Guest), Kelsey Grammer, "Planes, Trains and Visiting Cranes" * 1991-2 Lead Actress in a Comedy Series (Guest), Tyne Daly, "My Brother's Keeper" * 1995-6 Makeup for a Series, Tommy Cole & Ken Wensevic, "Death Becomes Him" Note: For the 1991-2 Primetime Emmys, the guest and regular actor categories were not separated as usual. Rather, guest actors were nominated in either Lead or Supporting categories. Kelsey Grammer and Tyne Daly were the only guest actors nominated in their respective categories. Relatives who have appeared in episodes: * Tyne Daly (Tim Daly's sister) in "My Brother's Keeper" * Jerry Wayne Bernard (Crystal Bernard's father) in "The Bank Dick" * Amy Van Nostrand (Tim Daly's wife) in "Have I Got a Couple for You" N121PP does exist as a real plane ID. It is registered to Paramount Pictures, Hollywood CA. The registration indicates that the plane is a Cessna 411, a variant on the 400 series family. (Dick Williams) "Tom Nevers" is a real place, an area of the island named after a westernized Indian who lived there. The airport set is a pretty good adaptation of the old airport building (the new one is a lot slicker), and the flight scenes at the beginning and end are authentic. The Club Car is indeed a bar (attached to a restaurant) on Main Street. It is made out of one of the original cars from the Nantucket Railroad that went belly up early in the century. It is a very popular place (despite being tiny) because they have a wonderful pianist who plays Cole Porter and Gershwin for sing-alongs. (Marshall Keys) The dollar value of the daily special item on the board above Helen's lunch counter represents the production number of each episode. (Dorinda Griffin) _Wings_ mentioned on other shows: * _All-American Girl_ * _The Critic_ * _Duckman_ "Papa Oom M.O.W. M.O.W." * _Hope and Gloria_ "Dumb and Smarter" * _Married... With Children_ * _Mad About You_ "Just My Dog" * _The Nanny_ "Val's Boyfriend" * _Ned and Stacey_ "The End?" * _The Simpsons_ "Brother from the Same Planet" Trivia About the "World" Within the Show ---------------------------------------- The name of the Nantucket airport is Tom Nevers Field. The local newspaper is _The Nantucket Herald_. The local high school is Siasconset High. Team nickname is the Whalers. School newspaper is the _Siasconset High Tattler_. The Sandpiper plane is a Cessna 402 with the ID N121PP (Nevada-1-2-1-Papa-Papa). The sign on the exterior of the Sandpiper hangar, right above the doors, reads "Nantucket Aircraft Maintenance." Sandpiper Airlines' counter was formerly held by Siasconset Air. Joe * Has a BLT every Tuesday. * Childhood hero was Chuck Yeager. * Childhood pet was a dog named Ranger. * Was senior class president in high school. * High school senior prom was on June 5, 1978. * Attended Boston College. * Nickname in college was "Skirts." * Voted for Dukakis in the 1988 Presidential election. * Voted for Perot in the 1992 Presidential election. * Drives a black Jeep with wood trim. * Started Sandpiper with $5000. Brian * Childhood pet was a dog named Ranger. * Attended Princeton. * Was briefly at NASA. * Once flew for Iguana Airlines. Helen * Moved to Nantucket from Texas at the age of 10. * Her old house is/was at 612 Elm. * Drives a black Jeep Laredo with license plate "CELLO." * Favorite piece of chamber music is Schubert's Trout Quintet. * Warm up piece is Verklaerte Nacht (Transfigured Night) by Schoenberg. Lowell * Speaks French. * Has a son named Lowell, Jr. * Has a sister name Trina. * Has a cousin named Beevo who hangs around the hospital's pathology lab. * Has a cousin named Larry. * Has an uncle named Willie who lost his nose in an accident. * Godmother is Sconset Sal. * Lives at 213 Church Lane (as of the fifth season). Roy * Drives a purple El Camino. * Has a metal plate in his head. * Mother's name is Eleanor "Bluto" Biggins. * Has a son named R.J. * Has a dog named Brutus. Fay * Born and raised in Syracuse NY. * Formerly lived in St. Louis and Atlanta. * Maiden name was Schlob. * First husband was George Dumbley. Died after being hit by a bus. * Second husband was George de Vay. Cremated(?) * Third husband was George Cochran. Died in his chair. Cremated. * Third marriage in Reno NV. * Lives at 205 Elm. * Speaks Spanish. * Plays tennis. * Hobbies include skeet shooting and canasta. * Drives a Plymouth Duster. * Has a pet rock named Englebert. Antonio * Is allergic to clams. * Mother's name is Anna Maria. * Father's name is Angelo. * Has a cousin named Giacomo who lives in Boston. * Has a brother named Alberto. Alex * Has four brothers in the Army. * Was in the Army and flew an Apache helicopter in Desert Storm. * Lived in an apartment complex on Old Post Road during her stay on Nantucket. * Appeared in the April 1986 edition of Playboy. * Favorite color is green. * Ex-fiance named Dan. Casey * Was the prom queen in high school. The Sandpiper schedule: ARRIVALS DEPARTURES Hyannis & Provincetown Provincetown & Hyannis FLT 8 8:34 AM FLT 7 7:03 AM Boston Boston FLT 2 12:09 PM FLT 19 10:00 AM New Bedford & Martha's Vineyard Martha's Vineyard & New Bedford FLT 14 2:47 PM FLT 20 1:22 PM Boston Boston FLT 28 5:38 PM FLT 25 3:14 PM ALL FLIGHTS DEPARTING FROM GATE 1A Sandpiper also flies to Providence, but it's not on the posted schedule. For five episodes in the sixth season, "New York" replaced "Boston" in the flight 25 slot on the posted schedule. Aeromass's Destinations * Boston * Hartford * Hyannis * Newark * New York (Laguardia) * Portland * Providence ============================================================================== S.N.A.F.U.'S ============ Plot S.N.A.F.U.'s ----------------- "There Once Was a Girl From Nantucket" - Fay says she buried all three of her late husbands. "A Terminal Christmas" - Fay cremated her third husband George. "Exit Laughing" - Fay implies she cremated her second husband George. "Joe Blows I" - Fay says her first and second husbands are buried on Nantucket. "The Shrink" - Fay says she buried two of her husbands in June. "Bye, George" - Fay says her second husband is in a vault. "Looking For Love in All the Wrong Places" - Helen is on Nantucket for Valentine's Day, 1991. "The Naked Truth" - On-screen caption states that Helen lived in New York for ten months. "If Elected, I Will Not Live" - Helen has returned to Nantucket before Election Day, 1991. There aren't ten months between Valentine's Day and Election Day. "The Love, Life and Times of Joe and Helen" - Brian says Helen lived in New York for eight months. "Legacy" - Fay says she didn't know Joe had a brother. "Stew in a Stew" - Joe told Fay he had a brother when they first met. (although she may have forgotten because she was drunk) "Take My Life, Please" - Helen says her first cello teacher was a woman. "The Gift I" - Helen says her first cello teacher was Winston Catlow. "A Terminal Christmas" - Helen says she has an older sister named Lorraine who is married and has two children. "I've Got a Secret" - Helen implies she is one of two children. "If It's Not One Thing, It's Your Mother" - Deedee Chappel implies she has no children other than Helen and Casey. "Labor Pains" - Lowell says he's scared of spiders. "I Love Brian" - Lowell says he loves spiders. "Is That a Subpoena in Your Pocket...?" - Lowell uses a picture of the office from 1956 to rebuild it. "The Taming of the Shrew" - Lowell says the airport was built in 1973. "There's Always Room For Cello" - Lowell refers to his sister. "This Old House" - Lowell refers to his sister. "Another Wedding" - Fay says Lowell doesn't have a sister; Lowell agrees. "Sleepless in Nantucket" - Lowell struggles to come up with names for his sister's newborn twins. "Love Means Never Having To Say Geronimo" - Joe and Helen almost get married. "Whose Wife is it Anyway?" - Helen says, "Thirty-one years without a single proposal, then I get two in one day." "2 Good 2 Be 4 Gotten" - Joe's senior prom was on June 5, 1978 -- therefore he was in ninth grade in the 1974-1975 school year. "Miss Jenkins" - Brian says the last time they saw Miss Jenkins, who taught ninth grade English, was on August 17, 1974 -- before Joe (or Brian or Helen) was in ninth grade. "Oh, Give Me a Home Where the Mathers Don't Roam" - The Big-faced Girl's name is Denise. "She's Gotta Have It" (and subsequent episodes) - The Big-faced Girl's name is Edna. Prop S.N.A.F.U.'s ----------------- In some episodes, the letters on the side of the Sandpiper plane are "N121PB" or "N160PB," not "N121PP." This is especially noticeable in transition shots showing the plane flying. In addition, their air call-out should be "November-1-2-1-Papa-Papa", rather than "Nevada-1-2-1-Papa-Papa." The Hacketts call their plane a Cessna 402; the flying airplane shown in transition shots (N160PB) is a Cessna 414, while the one sitting in the hangar (N121PB) is a Cessna 421. The two are different in the cowling. The 421 is a geared prop so it has a bump in the cowling where the prop comes out. A 414 is direct drive and has no bump. (Alan Cavitt) "Around the World in Eighty Years" - Fay says it's a forty minute flight to New Bedford. "Return to Nantucket II" - Joe says it's a forty minute flight to Boston. "Boys Will Be Girls" - Joe says it's a half-hour flight to Boston. "The Puppetmaster" - while Fay is talking to Lowell via the walkie talkie, she fails to push the talk button during one exchange. "Love Means Never Having to Say Geronimo" - There are two Fridays in two consecutive days. Joe and Helen kick Brian out of the house on a Friday night, Brian returns the next day announcing his impending marriage to Gwen, and the day after is Saturday, their wedding. "The Taming of the Shrew" - The question mark that Brian draws on the chalk board disappears. "The Gift I" - When Helen and Brian are upstairs discussing her future, Helen's hair keeps switching from in front of to behind her shoulder. "It's So Nice to Have a Mather Around the House" - Lowell picks up a hot frying pan without an oven mitt. "A Decent Proposal" - Timothy Stack is credited as playing the part of Mr. Elias. In the episode itself, Stack plays the banker Mr. Thompson; there is no Mr. Elias. "Insanity Claus" - When Lowell comes in the office dressed in his commando gear, he pushes most, but not all, of the stuff off of Joe's desk. Then a different angle is shown, and the desk is completely clear, except for Lowell's plans. When the original angle is shown, some of the stuff is back on the desk. "A Decent Proposal" - The elevator in which Joe proposes to Helen has dark colored wood walls with vertical silver stripe trim. "Lynch Party" - The same elevator has light colored wood walls. ============================================================================== QUOTES ====== Get A Life ---------- "As far as I was concerned, our relationship ended right out there on that runway!" [Joe pulls open blinds to reveal Brian, Fay, Lowell and Roy eavesdropping.] "Don't you people have lives?!!" -- Joe, "The Naked Truth" "People, there *is* a life outside that airport." -- Frasier Crane, "Planes, Trains, and Visiting Cranes" "This is life... like." -- Helen, "Lifeboat" B: Everybody in the airport's talking about it. J: Everybody? Boy, is this island ever ripe for a cineplex. -- Brian & Joe, "It May Have Happened One Night" "I spoke to the other cabbies. Joe's Jeep was placed outside Alex's building no earlier than midnight and no later than two-thirty. Footprints leading to the car indicate he must have left between two and four, because they were filled with rainwater. Which leads me to the inescapable conclusion that I have got to get a life." -- Antonio, "It May Have Happened One Night" H: Don't you people have anything better to do than to listen to my conversations? R: It's either that or have one of our own. -- Helen & Roy, "Exit Laughing" J: You know what we need? H: A life? -- Joe & Helen, "Have I Got a Couple for You" Brian: Wow, George, that was some speech. Where's that from? George: Life. Get one. -- Brian & George Kennedy, "What About Larry?" Insults ------- B: You don't think Lowell will do something stupid, do you? R: Gee, what are the odds? -- Brian & Roy, "I Ain't Got No Bunny" L: I've had this nagging feeling all day that I'm forgetting something. R: My guess is you get that feeling a lot. -- Lowell & Roy, "Marriage, Italian Style" "Beers, guns, and a bunch of idiots. Now there's an episode of _Rescue 911_ just waiting to happen." -- Roy, "Two Jerks and a Jill" H: That must be a really hard call to make. R: Especially for Lowell -- it's got ten numbers in it. -- Helen & Roy, "Bye Bye, Bunny" L: I'm recording my thoughts. I have one almost, uh, every day. R: I'd have bet against it. -- Lowell & Roy, "An Affair to Forget" L: I'm actually a lot like a camel. I can go for months without water. R: You've only gone twelve hours; you're *way* too much like a camel already. -- Lowell & Roy, "Oh, Give Me a Home Where the Mathers Don't Roam" J: Lowell, where you going? L: Oh, to clear my mind. R: Shouldn't take long. One good sneeze ought to do it. -- Joe, Lowell & Roy, "The Waxman Cometh" F: I can feel an emptiness in my heart. R: Try about a foot higher, Fay. -- Fay & Roy, "Around the World in Eighty Years" F: I remember once when I was a stewardess, we were snowbound in Butte, Montana without any money or change of clothes. But I didn't cry into my beer -- no, I made the best of it. I met three new friends; I wove a basket out of an old lawn chair; I became an honorary Sioux Indian. R: Haven't you ever had a bad day? F: Uh, no, not yet, but I bet you'll be there when I do. -- Fay & Roy, "Return to Nantucket I" B: [to Helen] Why don't you just put out a brochure: "The Do's and Don'ts of Dating Helen"? R: Oh, that's easy. Don't. -- Brian & Roy, "Ready, Teddy, Go" R: Right, Hackett, right. The day you get an important piece of mail, I'll kiss your behind in the town square at high noon. H: Given up on those dial-a-dates, Roy? -- Roy & Helen, "Legacy" R: [to Joe] I didn't mean to rain on your parade. H: Then cover your mouth when you talk; you're spraying like a garden hose. -- Roy & Helen, "The Story of Joe" R: Oh, Helen, you're pathetic. . . . You're practically drooling after that young punk. H: Oh, stop it -- I am not! R: Oh yeah, I see the way you're looking at him. Seventeen years old, perfect body at his sexual peak. Well, I've got news for you, sweet cakes. I can do anything in a bedroom that that kid can do. H: Except get someone to join you. -- Roy & Helen, "Say It Ain't So Joe" R: I'm going to teach that kid everything I know. H: What's he going to do the second half of the day? -- Roy & Helen, "Noses Off" R: That lady doesn't even know the two of you are alive. There's a certain look they get when they're not interested. H: Now could you get a more expert opinion? -- Roy & Helen, "Two Jerks and a Jill" R: I've never minded staying up all night because of a woman. H: Well, you don't have a choice. If you dozed off, she'd escape. -- Roy & Helen, "Sleepless in Nantucket" B: When we were younger -- before I was a pilot, and before you made that silly rule -- why is it you and I never dated one another? H: Well, for one, you're *obnoxious*. B: Oh, yeah. And you were, well... *huge*. H: That's true. But I've gotten thinner. -- Brian & Helen, "There Once Was a Girl From Nantucket" "Everytime you sleep with a woman, you immediately lose respect for her. I know I do." -- Helen to Brian, "Stop in the Name of Love" H: You care more about this *stupid* plane than you do about me! J: Me?! You're the one with the cello between her legs eight hours a day! H: Well, at least that gives me some satisfaction! J: Yeah, well, at least when I'm in the plane I get some sense of movement! -- Joe & Helen, "Duet for Cello and Plane" J: I'll never understand that relationship. [Helen and Davis] AL:What don't you understand? He's charming, romantic, funny and incredibly successful. I used to go out with a guy just like him. J: Clearly you've gotten over that. [referring to Brian] -- Joe & Alex, "Come Fly With Me" "Let me just ask you two questions: Where did he take you to eat... and did he order a Happy Meal?" -- Joe asking Helen about her date with Lowell, "Mathers of the Heart" A: Twenty five thousand dollars? God, if only I'd been born a Mather. J: That's something you don't hear every day. -- Antonio & Joe, "The Waxman Cometh" "That's the happiest looking man I've ever seen." -- Joe looking at a picture of Casey's husband leaving her, "Twisted Sister" B: It says here, fifteen percent of the American public would rather watch television than have sex. R: Fifteen perc... Yeah, yeah, I buy that, yeah. You know, maybe you're... you're too tired, or she's too -- what's a nice way to put this? -- ugly. B: The words "too tired" aren't in my vocabulary, and frankly, Roy, I don't think the words "too ugly" should be in yours. -- Brian & Roy, "Is That a Subpoena in Your Pocket...?" R: You can say "please" for hours, it won't do you any good. B: Ah, another page from the Roy Biggins Dating Manual. -- Roy & Brian, "Divorce, American Style" H: We spent eight hours at sea. F: Freezing cold, in a lifeboat. L: With Roy. A: Oh, God, you poor people. -- Helen, Fay, Lowell & Antonio, "Lifeboat" Gail: This... [kisses Joe] is for the most wonderful weekend a woman ever had. Roy: Now there goes a woman who never spent a weekend with Roy Biggins. Antonio: You mean she hasn't been chained to your furnace? -- "The Taming of the Shrew" "Big swollen glands, Roy's house. Possible sterility, Roy's house." -- Antonio, "The Customer's Usually Right" A: You play the part of a producer. . . . You are an overbearing, pompous windbag. R: Sounds like a great character. A: That's not his character. I've just been dying to say that to him. -- Antonio & Roy, "The Gift I" R: Let's face it. Once you've been with Roy Biggins, you never want to be with another man. A: Sounds about right. -- Roy & Antonio, "Roy Crazy" R: You know what I do when I have a problem with a woman? A: Deflate her? -- Roy & Antonio, "Long Distance Lament" R: If you'll excuse me, I've got to get ready for the big night. AL:Oh, that's right, you're about to romance a woman. You'll want to shower, shave, buy chloroform... -- Roy & Alex, "Roy Crazy" J: That's not even the best part. She left me for my own brother. AL:Please tell me you have more than one brother. -- Joe & Alex, "It May Have Happened One Night" Joe --- J: Every time I fly, I come back a little surer there's a God. L: I go down to the dump and shoot rats. J: Then you do understand. -- Joe & Lowell, "Legacy" "Boy, is she going to be disappointed when she finds out that Big Ben is a clock." -- Joe about Carol, "Return to Nantucket I" "First, we each take a scoring wedge, or pie, . . ." -- Joe, "Sports and Leisure" J: I finally get a relationship started, and look at me. I've already lied to her, snuck around behind her back, gotten away with it, and now she's thanked me for it. B: Feels kinda great, doesn't it. J: Yeah. -- Joe & Brian, "Love is Like Pulling Teeth" J: Look at this, the new L. L. Bean and J. Crew catalogues came on the same day. B: Boy, I feel like stopping what I'm doing and writing down how I feel. -- Joe & Brian, "Crate Expectations" A: Joe, you are sucking the fun out of this game. B: This is a game? I thought I'd died and gone to the boring part of Hell. -- Antonio & Brian, "Try to Remember the Night He Dismembered" J: The thing I remember most about the day I broke the record... B: What? J: When I broke it, they trotted out this old guy, the previous record holder, to shake my hand. B: Yeah, I remember that guy. What an old geezer! J: He was two years younger than I am right now. -- Joe & Brian, "Say It Ain't So, Joe" J: What have we got that's worth fifteen thousand dollars?! B: You are sitting on it. J: I am *not* going in that line of work. B: I'm talking about taking out a mortgage on the house, and *don't* flatter yourself. -- Joe & Brian, "The Gift I" B: What is the deal with men crying these days? Is it in or out? J: Oh, let's see. Sixties was love and sex -- no reason to cry. B: Seventies was the sensitive male. It was okay to cry. Eighties was-- J: Making money -- no crying. B: And what's the nineties? J: No money, no sex -- nothing to do *but* cry. -- Brian & Joe, "Bye Bye, Bunny" J: You know, I remember a time when the three of us knew how to have fun together. Remember when we went to that political rally and we signed that petition without even reading it? H: Yeah. I'm still tingling. -- Joe & Helen, "Come Fly With Me" H: He's been to Atlantic City, Myrtle Beach, Key West, and a couple of days ago, he was at Jack's Bar in Mustique. B: Oh, my Go... Do you know what that means? R: Yeah. Somebody fun lifted Joe's wallet. -- Helen, Brian & Roy, "Joe Blows II" "I realized that you can only spend so much time lying on the beach with a beautiful woman in one hand, a margarita in the other, before you... run out of money." -- Joe, "Joe Blows II" J: Yeah, why not? I'd love to go see Pearl Jam. L: Joe Hackett at a Pearl Jam concert? [laughs] Pearl *Bailey*, maybe. -- Joe & Lowell, "Hey, Nineteen" J: Last night I had *the* most exciting dream of my entire life. B: Let me guess: you got a brand new pair of Dockers? -- Joe & Brian, "All's Fair" "Oh no, the Binder! . . . He's your headache now." -- Brian to Helen about Joe, "Let's Call the Whole Thing Off" "Wow. A party like this only means one thing: you got change back from your twenty." -- Helen to Joe, "Gone But Not Faygotten" Joe: I know my way around a negotiation. Lewis: Well, that's good, but I better warn you, I have two buyers who already placed bids on this house. Joe: Really? Who? Whatever they offered, I'll beat it. -- "A House to Die For" "I plan on having at least three beers, and you know why? Because I've pre-eaten." -- Joe, "Boys Just Want to Have Fun" "You have a wedding schedule?" -- Helen to Joe, Antonio to Joe, "Here It Is: The Big Wedding" J: I padded the schedule an extra half-hour, in case things got backed up. A: You're a rebel. -- Joe & Antonio, "Here It Is: The Big Wedding" "I put away the box and filled out the warranty card." -- Joe, telling the first thing he did after receiving a bicycle for his thirteenth birthday, "Burnin' Down the House II" J: I got us a label maker. H: I guess the honeymoon's over right about... now. -- Joe & Helen, "The Person Formerly Known as Lowell" "Sidebar." -- Joe/Helen, "Honey, We Broke the Kid" H: And you were acting so normal. J: Nah, that was just a cover up. -- Helen & Joe, "One Flew Over the Cooper's Nest" Joe: Not so fast. How do we know this dame's on the level? Vera: I bunk at the boarding house where she's staying, and when new talent checks in, this dish notices. Joe: How do we know she's the real goods, and why am I talkin' this way? Vera: There ain't nothing wrong with these blinkers. It's her alright. Joe: Okay, okay, then make with the address. Vera: Not until I see some scratch. Joe: Ah, so that's your angle. Antonio: You two stop doing that! . . . Joe: Keep your shirt on! Okay dollface, here's a sawbuck. Now make like a canary and sing. . . . Joe: She may have some miles on her, but she's got a walk I can feel in my left pocket. -- "The Lady Vanishes" J: What are you talking about? I can't go. B: Why not can't you go? J: Because married I am. B: I pity you. The woman I marry is going to be the kind of woman that's going to want me to see other women naked. J: Well, unfortunately, I couldn't find a woman like that. I had to settle for an *earthling*. -- Joe & Brian, "The Lyin' King" J: You know, Helen, I read somewhere where you can have anybody killed for ten thousand dollars. H: Joe, don't be ridiculous. We only have six thousand in the bank. J: Yeah, but I bet we could get a loan if I told them what it was for. . . . C: Where are you going? J: To the bank. -- Joe, Helen & Casey, "Love Overboard" H: I traded with Casey. Just call me seven-forty. J: There's been a change? Why wasn't I notified? H: Wow. You really just said that, didn't you? J: Okay, now I'm just going to have to adjust the board. -- Joe & Helen, "Grouses, Houses and Bickering Spouses" H: This is going to be our house! Oh my God, do you think we were too impulsive? J: Of course not. Come on, let's go see if there's a kitchen. -- Helen & Joe, "Grouses, Houses and Bickering Spouses" Brian ----- J: Give me one good reason I shouldn't beat the hell out of you! B: I'm on your medical plan? -- Joe & Brian, "The Puppetmaster" J: Where am I going to get sleazy entertainment at this hour? B: [Pulls a card out of his breast pocket and hands it to Joe] -- Joe & Brian, "A Stand Up Kind of Guy" "Just once I'd love to hear someone say, 'He was a *raving* lunatic. I *feared* for my life. I was just *waiting* for the chainsaw to come *ripping* through the wall!'" -- Brian, on homicidal maniacs described as model citizens, "Murder, She Roast" B: . . . I spent an hour talking to a lawyer and he said that there might be another way for Antonio to get his visa. A: What is the bad news? B: I spent an hour talking to a lawyer. -- Brian & Antonio, "Divorce, American Style" "You are the conscience of us all. You're plucky, decent, honest. You know, I sometimes kinda wish that you were my kid brother, just so I could kick the crap out of you." -- Brian to Helen, "The Fortune Cookie" J: And that little stunt that you just pulled in there, about finding only one of us attractive, that's a very nice try, but we know a bluff when we see it, and that was a bluff. AL:You're right, it was. J: Yeah, you're darn right-- Huh? AL:It was a bluff. I don't find either one of you attractive. B: You bet your life you don't! -- Joe, Alex & Brian, "Two Jerks and a Jill" H: I thought Alex had better taste in men than to go out with you. B: Well, obviously, she doesn't. -- Helen & Brian, "It's So Nice To Have a Mather Around the House" AL:Well, you don't have to go. I mean, we could just sleep. B: Kid, if I had a dollar for every time I used that line... -- Alex & Brian, "Stop in the Name of Love" "I'm already in a relationship, and I want to get a cheap thrill by living vicariously through you, is that so wrong?" -- Brian telling Joe why he wants him to date Courtney, "Hey, Nineteen" B: They're doing a segment on men who are smart, sexy and single. J: And they wanted *you*? B: Actually, they were asking about you, but I told them that you were engaged. J: Really? B: No, but I just love that pathetic hopeful look in your eyes. -- Brian & Joe, "Ex, Lies and Videotape" J: Don't tell me there's a problem. B: Okay. I lost the tuxes. I don't know where they are. But, hey, no problem. -- Joe & Brian, "Boys Just Want to Have Fun" C: We can't just make believe nothing happened. B: Sure we can. It's called "denial." -- Casey & Brian, "Burnin' Down the House I" C: It's a welcome home gift for Joe and Helen. It's a delightful assortment of soaps and potpourri. B: A welcome home gift? Uh, Kitten? We already gave them a welcome home gift, remember? We burned their house down! -- Casey & Brian, "Burnin' Down the House I" "I think the thing to do is just tell Joe and Helen the truth about what happened to their house: 'It just blowed up.'" -- Brian, "Burnin' Down the House I" "All we have to do... is stop time." -- Brian, "Death Becomes Him" C: And if we have nothing in common, we can't date. . . . And if we can't date, we certainly cannot sleep together anymore. B: Hey! That's just crazy talk! -- Casey & Brian, "She's Gotta Have It" "I've been screwing up most of my adult life, and generally it *is* my fault. But I just try to live by this simple creed: 'So sue me.'" -- Brian, "So Long, Frank Lloyd Wrong" J: What do you want me to do, divorce Helen so I can spend more time with you? B: Would you? -- Joe & Brian, "When a Man Loves a Donut" A: I need you to drive my cab this weekend. B: Listen Antonio, you and I have been friends for a long time... long enough, I think. -- Antonio & Brian, "Sons and Lovers" C: Don't move. Don't talk to anyone. Don't do anything stupid. B: You're really tying my hands here. -- Casey & Brian, "A Tale of Two Sister Cities" B: Did you actually think you'd be able to go through your whole marriage to Helen and never lie? This is a lying world, my friend. Everybody lies to everybody. J: Oh, what? You lie to me? B: Sure. J: When? B: Pretty much every time I say, "Joe, I'm your brother, would I lie to you?" I'm lying to you. -- Brian & Joe, "The Lyin' King" J: When is a lie not a lie? B: That's easy, when you get away with it. -- Joe & Brian, "The Lyin' King" Helen ----- "Oh, I don't know. Solid, sensitive, and dependable, but with a sense of whimsy. A love of music and children, a sense of commitment, but a respect for my independence. Adventurous, yet a homebody. But I really hadn't thought about it that much." -- Helen, on the perfect man, "The Puppetmaster" H: I met a guy. . . . We went on a date last night, and I had the *best* time. Candlelight dinner, cappuccino on The Wharf, terrific sex... J: What?! H: Just seeing if you were listening. You know I hate cappuccino. -- Helen, Brian & Joe, "The Puppetmaster" J: Helen, look, it's Brian and that guy from the magazine. What a surprise; let's go join them. H: Hey, wait a minute! You didn't want to take me to lunch. I'm only here so it won't look like you're pathetically tagging along after them. Joe, why didn't you just tell me the truth? J: Would you have come? H: Of course not. I have a *lunch* counter. I don't normally close it at *lunch* to go to *lunch*, that's why it's called a *lunch* counter. -- Joe & Helen, "The Story of Joe" "Welcome to the Big Leagues, Sparky." -- Helen to Brian, "Hell Hath No Fury Like a Policewoman Scorned" J: Well, I'm sorry you don't find it as exciting as my other students do. H: Oh, yeah, right. Lowell spent the entire class yesterday watching an ant push a grain of salt across his desk, and you know what -- I *envied* him! -- Joe & Helen, "Airport '90" Gail: Why are these moments between us always so uncomfortable?" Helen: I don't know. I guess it's because... I'm Joe's ex and you're his... why. -- "Ladies Who Lunch" H: Well, I was on my way home, and then I remembered a lemon meringue pie was just delivered here this morning, so... J: Then why are you eating chocolate frosting? H: 'Cause the raspberry tart I ate after the pie left a bitter taste in my mouth. . . . H: You know what thought just went through my head? J: Uh... "There's chocolate chip cookie dough in the refrigerator?" H: Not anymore. -- Helen & Joe, "Mathers of the Heart" AL:I'm impressed. You know, behind that sweet, innocent exterior, you may actually be *worse* than I am. H: [smiles] Oh, you're just saying that. -- Alex & Helen, "Two Jerks and a Jill" Carlton: I am lactose intolerant. I had a terrible time at my mother's breast. Helen: Oh God, I just pictured that. . . . Carlton: Believe me, I'm not proud of that barracuda that sprang from these loins. Helen: Just when I got the picture of you breastfeeding out of my mind. -- "The Houseguest" "Helen's not here anymore!" -- Helen, "Goodbye, Old Friend" Davis: What's in it? Helen: Let's see. Soda, bitters, Pepto-Bismol, soy sauce, aspirin, and a little bitty shot of bug spray. Joe: She's kidding. Helen: Yes, I'm kidding. I was out of aspirin. -- "Business or Pleasure" J: You say potato, she says... H: No thanks, I'll just have the rice. -- Joe & Helen, "An Affair to Forget" Ted: Do you know what I'd really like to do? . . . I'd like you to dress up like Little Bo Peep, hogtie me to the bedpost, and spank me for being the bad, bad boy that I am. Helen: Excuse me? Ted: I know the going rate for you girls is three hundred dollars, but for this, I'm willing to up it to five. Helen: That is the most disgu-- Five hundred dollars? -- "Come Fly With Me" Helen: I used to babysit her. When was it? Uh... Like five, six years ago? Courtney: More like twelve. I'm nineteen now. Helen: You are nineteen? You know, I was nineteen when I sat you. Joe: Well, Helen, that would make you about... Helen: [Shoves Joe away] About twenty-seven, go away. -- "Hey, Nineteen" "I can't leave her. Joe, her husband just left her. She's falling apart; she's disgraced; she's just humiliated." [smiling at Casey] "Aren't you, honey?" -- Helen, "Twisted Sister" B: The doctor explained to me that inside of me is a scared little boy. So from now on, Big Brian is going to have to start listening to Little Brian. H: Now isn't that what got you into trouble in the first place? -- Brian & Helen, "The Shrink" C: Helen, you know me -- I hate to ask for money. H: Then the last couple of weeks must have been pure hell for you. -- Casey & Helen, "The Spark and How to Get It" J: [to Casey] There's nothing wrong with being an ordinary person and getting an ordinary, plain haircut. Just ask Helen who she uses... H: Boy, sometimes don't you wish you could just suck the words right back into your mouth? -- Joe & Helen, "The Spark and How to Get It" J: We both know what we know to do. You need to compromise. H: I already have. -- Joe & Helen, "Let's Call the Whole Thing Off" C: _A Hundred and One Ways to Pleasure a Woman_. Thank you Brian, but I don't think I'll have much use for this. H: [grabs book] Good, then give it to Joe. -- Casey & Helen, "Portrait of the Con Artist as a Young Man" H: What possessed you to put your hand in the toilet?! J: Your ring fell in. H: Oh, hold on, baby, don't let that sucker go! -- Helen & Joe, "Here It Is: The Big Wedding" "The house burned down. I bet it was fire." -- Helen, "Burnin' Down the House I" "When these pills wear off, I'm going to be so mad at you." -- Helen to Casey, "Burnin' Down the House I" "What is going on with you and Brian is between you guys, and it's not my place to interfere. But here's how it's going to be . . . ." -- Helen to Joe, "Burnin' Down the House II" H: Here's what I lost in the fire. [hands J paper] J: [reading paper] "Everything." -- Helen & Joe, "She's Gotta Have It" J: You are messing with a force of enormous destructive power. H: So are you. -- Joe & Helen, "The Big Sleep" B: How could you still be engaged to Davis? You're married to Joe. H: Well, that's why they call it a *problem*. -- Brian & Helen, "Lynch Party" "Faulkner's!" -- Helen, "Lynch Party" "You didn't have the blueberry muffins, did you? 'Cause they're not tuna-free." -- Helen, "One Flew Over the Cooper's Nest" J: If you see anything weird, you take a picture of it. H: [Snaps picture of Joe.] -- Joe & Helen, "One Flew Over the Cooper's Nest" Lowell ------ B: [to Joe] You keep this pace up, you're going to end up like Howard Hughes -- locked in a hotel room, sitting on Kleenex, sucking applesauce through a straw. L: Isn't that something? All that money and his hobbies are the same as mine. B: Really. He also used to collect toenail clippings and keep them in a mason jar. L: This is uncanny! -- Brian & Lowell, "Legacy" L: You know, I've been thinking about Howard. There is another alternative. F: You mean like he landed at another airport and he's sitting there enjoying a hot cup of coffee right now? L: No, like he slipped through a hole in the universe and he's lost somewhere in time. B: A hole in the universe, Lowell? L: Yeah, they're everywhere. Cosmic Potholes I call 'em. [takes a huge step to avoid said "Cosmic Pothole"] F: Howard's gone. B: So's Lowell. -- Lowell, Fay & Brian, "Around the World in Eighty Years" L: You're standing on my hand. J: Sorry, why didn't you say something? L: Well, it felt kinda good at first. -- Lowell & Joe, "Return to Nantucket I" F: I heard from the man upstairs. [in the control tower] L: You just talked to the man upstairs? F: Yeah, Frank. L: God's name is Frank? -- Fay & Lowell, "Return to Nantucket I" B: Lowell just gave me a really weird look. J: How could you tell? -- Brian & Joe, "Return to Nantucket II" Lowell: So you say you're gay, huh? Gay, really? No. R.J.: Yes. Lowell: No. R.J.: What do I have to do to prove it to you? Lowell: Nothing! Absolutely nothing! -- "There's Always Room for Cello" L: Joe, I've got good news and I've got bad news. The good news is the plane's fixed. J: What's the bad news? L: I think I'm possessed by Satan. Either that or ragweed season has come early. [sneezes, sounds suspiciously like "I curse you"] J: My money's on Satan. -- Lowell & Joe, "The Story of Joe" J: [speaking to his flight class] Anyway, just to get acquainted, why don't we all share why we want to fly. Helen? H: Because... flying a plane is... orgasmic. J: Okay... Lowell? L: Helen took my answer. -- Joe, Helen & Lowell, "Airport '90" H: New York... sucked. . . . and I don't want to ever, ever, ever, *ever* talk about that city again. Okay? Any questions? L: Did you see any good shows? H: The only show I saw was a man peeing on Forty-second Street. L: Is that the new Andrew Lloyd Weber musical? -- Helen & Lowell, "The Naked Truth" F: Lowell, you weren't an orphan. L: No, but my brother was. -- Fay & Lowell, "The Taming of the Shrew" H: Three years isn't a lifetime. L: It is if you're a horseshoe crab. -- Helen & Lowell, "Divorce, American Style" H: You know, it's a sad day in this country when a man with a simple little eccentricity is labeled the village idiot! L: Hear, hear. [raises his glass] -- Helen & Lowell, "Crate Expectations" H: Lowell, how much money do you got in your pocket? L: Seven thousand dollars. H: You have seven thousand dollars in your pocket? Why? L: Does the name "Charles Keating" mean anything to you? -- Helen & Lowell, "Lifeboat" "He's got a problem. But when you think about all the problems he could have, but doesn't, or does have, and keeps to himself . . ." -- Brian, referring to Lowell, "I Ain't Got No Bunny" J: This is steep. L: That's why they call it a steeple, Joe. -- Joe & Lowell, "I Ain't Got No Bunny" L: Absolute proof? J: Incontrovertible. L: Huh? J: Absolute. -- Joe & Lowell, "I Ain't Got No Bunny" "Well, spit it out, man. I'm not made of glass! Though sometimes I wish I were -- glass being an extremely *poor* conductor of electricity." -- Lowell, "Mathers of the Heart" "I mean, excuse me, there's a reason they put PBS on the channels nobody watches." -- Lowell, "Mathers of the Heart" "Have patience, Roy, the sweet science of cricket hunting takes time. Eventually, the better mind will prevail. Geez, did I leave my soda in there?" -- Lowell, "It May Have Happened One Night" "Although oil and water don't technically mix, seen up close, their union creates a rainbow of ethereal beauty. Anyone who's been face down in a gutter on a rainy night will back me up on that one." -- Lowell, "Exit Laughing" L: Sometimes, a person just has annoying habits you can't overlook. . . . Bunny had one. She used to drum her fingers on the table when she would read the morning paper. Drove me crazy! That's what broke up our marriage. H: Lowell, I thought it was because Bunny slept with other men. L: Oh, right. Make that two annoying habits. -- Lowell & Helen, "Exit Laughing" A: They think you're going to crack. L: I got to agree with 'em! -- Antonio & Lowell, "Labor Pains" F: Are you sure you know your lines? L: Line, Fay. I just have one line. I think I can handle it: "Excuse me, Miss Winfrey, that phone's out of order." . . . L: "Excuse me Miss Winfrey, that..." Line! -- Fay & Lowell, "The Gift I" R: The last time I cried I was seven years old. My mom took me to see _Bambi_. L: I remember the time I cried. My parents took me downtown to see _Ordinary People_. R: Yeah, that was a sad movie. L: What movie? -- Roy & Lowell, "The Key to Alex" L: [trying to choose nickname] R: How about just "idiot?" L: Oh, that's a *big* help. Half the guys I know are "idiot." -- Lowell & Roy, "The Key To Alex" J: Can we see you in my office? L: I don't know. [Goes in office.] Can you see? -- Joe & Lowell, "Goodbye, Old Friend" J: Lowell, you cannot get a lawyer from a matchbook. H: He can. He did. He's Lowell. Enough said. -- Joe & Helen, "Bye Bye, Bunny" H: You can be any food you want. [naming foods on her menu after people] L: Okay. That's a big responsibility. I'm going to take a little time with this. I have to be something that's low in cholesterol, no fat, and I have to be easy to digest. I don't want anybody waking up in the middle of the night saying, "Boy, that Lowell Mather gave me *gas*!" -- Helen & Lowell, "Exclusively Yours" "First time I got hit in the head with a brick was in that hat. First time I got hit in the head with a brick was in that hat." -- Lowell, "The Shrink" F: Lowell, I hear you're looking for investments. Well, I have an idea that's a gold mine. What's the one thing on this island that everyone wants, and no one can get? L: You want me to open a whorehouse? -- Fay & Lowell, "The Waxman Cometh" L: Okay, wait 'til you hear this story. Alright, remember my friend Merle? Well, he went out cod fishing the other day and he reeled in a fifty- pounder. He gets it back to the beach, cuts that baby open... What do you think falls out? R: The mug? L: No, a license plate from nineteen twenty-nine. So he takes it home, he tells his wife about it, she doesn't believe him. They have a huge fight, Merle storms out, he's walking down the beach... Guess what he tripped over? R: The mug? L: No, a big ol' piece of driftwood. He falls down, gashes his head, he has to go to the hospital, get thirty stitches, his wife comes to comfort him, you know... What do you think she brings him? R: [inaudibly] The mug? [Points at the mug] L: No, flowers. R: Mather, where the hell'd you find the mug?! L: I saw your pilot, Bob, getting on a flight with it, and I said, "Hey, wait a second, Bob, that's Roy's mug." But isn't that something about Merle? -- Lowell & Roy, "Is That a Ten-Foot Sandwich or Are You Just Happy to See Me?" ". . . don't sit up front; the clowns will mess with your mind." -- Lowell, "Gone But Not Faygotten" "If you don't need a shoe rack, it also scares squirrels." -- Lowell, "Portrait of the Con Artist as a Young Man" Maya: You're undisciplined, raw, naive, and wildly erratic. Lowell: Oh yeah? Well, those shoes don't go with that bag. -- "Portrait of the Con Artist as a Young Man" C: You want more out of life. You want recognition and excitement, and a chance to prove to your ex-husband that you can make it on your own! L: You know what... you're right. I'll show that bastard. -- Casey & Lowell, "Portrait of the Con Artist as a Young Man" "It was a lot easier working on the plane earlier when there weren't as many *bats* flying around." -- Lowell, "Nuptials Off" "Well, this big galoot walks in, goes up to the table next to me, pulls out a gun, and blows this guy nose-first into his bucket of H.W.'s. I tell you, it wasn't a pretty sight. It was all I could do to finish my rice pudding." -- Lowell, "The Person Formerly Known as Lowell" H: [reading from paper] . . . unnamed witness fingers mob boss. Oh, Lowell. L: I'm glad I didn't witness that one. That guy's screwed. -- Helen & Lowell, "The Person Formerly Known as Lowell" "They told me I don't have to leave until thirteen hundred hours, and the way I figure it, that's damn near two months." -- Lowell, "The Person Formerly Known as Lowell" Roy --- J: Don't be afraid to show your tender side. R: I'll show you my tender side. [Turns and walks away.] -- Joe & Roy, "Around the World in Eighty Years" B: I think we underestimated his sensitivity level. J: Who knew he had one? -- Brian & Joe about Roy, "Sports and Leisure" "Now that I'm running unopposed, there's a good chance I'll win!" -- Roy, "If Elected, I Will Not Live" "I don't know why Hackett bothers with those evaluations. If someone's a bad employee, you just can their sorry butt. If they're good, you slowly and methodically take away their self-confidence until they're convinced they'll never be able to get a job anywhere else." -- Roy, "Stew in a Stew" F: Well, I know what we need to put us in a good mood: a song. I'm assuming everyone knows the words to "Peanut on a Railroad Track"? H: Fay, we've only been in the water fifteen minutes, we're not that desperate yet. R: I could be on *fire* for fifteen minutes and not be that desperate. -- Fay, Helen & Roy, "Lifeboat" "You are talking to the *master* of the insurance scam. . . . I've got this little switch on my dashboard that disconnects my brake lights. Every time there's a Mercedes or a BMW behind me, I throw the switch, slam on the brakes and cash a check. I know what you're thinking, and I don't care. -- Roy, "The Fortune Cookie" "I am not the least bit insecure. Do I seem insecure? What are you staring at? You are sick, you know that?" -- Roy, "Noses Off" R: I've never wanted something dead so much in my entire life. F: He'll get the cricket, Roy. [Lowell will] R: Oh yeah, the cricket. -- Roy & Fay, "It May Have Happened One Night" R: We'll split the bill down the middle, we'll get double receipts, and we'll both write off the full amount. J: Isn't that kind of cheating the government? R: One. Seven. [referring to the number of planes that they own] -- Roy & Joe, "Labor Pains" A: What is this "Phantom of the Opera"? R: You know, where the disfigured nutjob lives underneath the Paris Opera House and drives everyone zooey so this young babe can sing instead of the fat diva in the helmet. -- Antonio & Roy, "The Gift I" "I must admit, the first time we did that number, I was a little skeptical, but now I'm sure: we stink on ice." -- Roy, "The Gift II" AL:What reason would anybody have to harm Fay? I mean, she's the nicest, sweetest, cheeriest person in the world. R: There's three reasons right there. -- Alex & Roy, "The Faygitive" J: [using the _Farmer's Almanac_ to choose a wedding day] An excellent day to castrate your bull. R: Sounds like a wedding day to me. -- Joe & Roy, "The Shrink" "The old guy was leading a 'Simon Says' game when he collapsed. On the way down he yelled, 'Call an ambulance!' but no one moved." -- Roy, "Miss Jenkins" R: I want to be your confidant. J: You? -- Roy & Joe, "Remembrance of Flings Past II" "They say you get a good, warm feeling when you help out your fellow man... Maybe it'll kick in later." -- Roy, "Remembrance of Flings Past II" B: I hate this. I'm no good at firing people. J: Yeah, me either. Why do you think you're still working here? R: I'll do it. I like it. -- Brian, Joe & Roy, "Gone But Not Faygotten" J: That last place we saw was great: big, big yard, lots of bedrooms and the owner was desperate to unload the place. H: I told you, I am *not* living next to Roy. -- Joe & Helen, "A House to Die For" H: I couldn't lie to him. R: Oh! If you're going to tie my hands... -- Helen & Roy, "Nuptials Off" H: I gotta tell you, I feel kind of slimy. R: It's intoxicating, isn't it? -- Helen & Roy, "Nuptials Off" H: Still married to Antonio, sending Joe out of town, flying to Mexico for a quickie divorce, Joe'll never know! B: You went to Roy, didn't you? -- Helen & Brian, "Nuptials Off" "Some people collect stamps, some do needlepoint, I counterfeit my own receipts." -- Roy, "She's Gotta Have It" "This baby only cost me forty-nine bucks. Not only that, but I'm saving the planet, 'cause it's made from recycled tires." -- Roy referring to his suit, "Driving Mr. DeCarlo" "In Nineteen Seventy-one, I broke down and gave four bucks to The Salvation Army. Hey, I'm not looking for a pat on the back. Within two weeks, I was getting junk mail from every loser crybaby who ever had a hangnail." -- Roy, "The Lyin' King" Fay --- "Marriage is a wonderful institution. I know, I've been there three times myself! Marriage I mean, not an institution." -- Fay, "A Stand Up Kind of Guy" "You know, Helen, if you're at feeling all nervous, you can do what I did when I spoke to the Ladies' Literary Society. I just took five deep breaths and one little shot of Peppermint Schnapps, or was that one deep breath and five... That might explain why I couldn't say 'Balzac' without giggling." -- Fay, "Take My Life, Please" "I was at Cape Canaveral when they tested the first Mercury rocket, and it wasn't half as memorable as this. Of course, I spent most of that day in the hospitality tent doing shooters with Deke Slaton, so that whole day..." -- Fay, "The Fortune Cookie" F: I remember once when I had two men chasing after me. H: Ah, I bet you were flattered by all the attention, right? F: Not really. When they caught me, they stole my purse. R: That could very well have been the purse where Fay kept all her marbles. -- Fay, Helen & Roy, "Two Jerks and a Jill" "Oh, I know how Joe feels. I once got overcharged for a pair of pumps at Filene's. The advertisement said thirty percent off, but the salesclerk only gave me twenty. Now that I think of it, I'll bet that clerk just pocketed the difference. That was almost thirty years ago, so the ten percent compounded daily adds up to... Well, enough to buy her a closet full of shoes, and all I've got to show for it a callus on my little toe those lousy pumps gave me." [The others stare at her.] "Oh, I'm sorry. Was that out loud?" -- Fay, "The Customer's Usually Right" F: I've always liked my men to be *men*: rugged and with the spirit of the Old West. Great big, barrel-chested men who laugh in the face of danger. B: Fay, you just described a rodeo clown. F: Yes, I know. -- Fay & Brian, "The Key to Alex" F: Have you heard of this phenomenon where you think of somebody and then the phone rings and it's them? . . . Well, this morning I was thinking about my old friend Delores, and guess who called? H: Your old friend Delores. F: No, my old friend Betty. -- Fay & Brian, "The Faygitive" Mark: Excuse me, I'm looking for a woman with silky blond hair, alabaster skin and eyes a man can get lost in. Have you seen her? Fay: I used to *be* her. -- Mark the Waiter & Fay, "Roy Crazy" "The only thing you'll find there is empty, shallow, meaningless sex. And men who don't appreciate an older, more experienced woman." -- Fay, "The Spark and How to Get It" "I remember Fay's first cancellation. I believe her exact words were, "Uh, now, do you want to be late, Mrs. Carter, or do you want to be the *late* Mrs. Carter?" -- Helen, "Gone But Not Faygotten" H: ... what the doctor ordered was mood elevators. F: [extra cheery] You know, those things really work! -- Helen & Fay, "Portrait of the Con Artist as a Young Man" Antonio ------- "In Italy, we have a saying about the relationship between a man with not so much money and a woman who is very, very wealthy. . . . 'Way to go.'" -- Antonio, "My Brother's Keeper" A: Just the other day, two women got into my cab, total strangers. Within two minutes, they're talking about their love lives in the most graphic detail. J: How did you handle it? A: I took the long way. -- Antonio & Joe, "Ladies Who Lunch" L: I had another one of those dreams last night, and this one has me completely baffled. . . . I'm naked, and tied to a four-poster bed. H: And I'm out of here. L: At each of the posts stands Madonna, Michelle Pfeiffer, Kim Basinger, and Julia Roberts. Now they're arguing over who gets me first. Anybody? A: What exactly did you have for dinner last night? B: What can you tell from that? A: Nothing, I just want to make sure I eat the same thing tonight. -- Lowell, Helen, Antonio & Brian, "The Late Mrs. Biggins" H: And things were just starting to go so well for you and your taxi business. A: I know, I just learned the long way to every place on the island. -- Helen & Antonio, "Marriage, Italian Style" H: When are we getting that quickie divorce? A: Three years from this day. H: Three years! . . . You said we were going to get a quickie divorce! A: Helen, my grandparents were married eighty-one years. To me, three years *is* a quickie divorce. -- Helen & Antonio, "Marriage, Italian Style" A: But I found myself wanting to know so much more about Miss Scarlett and Rhett Butler. [after reading _Scarlett_] For instance, what happened to them earlier during the Civil War. R: You never heard of the book by Margaret Mitchell, _Gone With the Wind_, and perhaps the most famous movie ever made? A: I was sick for a while there. H: Antonio, _Gone With the Wind_ tells all about those characters before and during the Civil War. A: Get out! H: Yeah, see, the book _Scarlett_ is what's called a sequel to _Gone With the Wind_. You know, like _Return of the Jedi_ and _The Empire Strikes Back_. A: Oh, yes, I liked those. H: Right, well, they're sequels to the movie _Star Wars_. A: "Star Wars"? -- Antonio, Roy & Helen, "Stew in a Stew" "Joe, from now on, whenever you need to go anywhere, any hour of the day or night, you call on me. . . . Except weekends, of course. And Wednesdays, either -- that's my day off. . . . And I'd rather you didn't call me on Fridays -- that's my busiest day. . . . And if I have a date, it would be *awkward* having you in the cab! I can't plan my entire week around you!! I'm sorry for your troubles, but it's not my fault!" -- Antonio, "The Fortune Cookie" H: Hey Antonio, what are you writing? A: A poem. The Nantucket Tourism Board is putting together a booklet written by local poets. B: I didn't know that you wrote poetry. A: I don't, but the best poem gets a hundred bucks, so I figured: "What the hey." L: Well, I'm game, let's hear it. A: Okay. It's called "Waiting For a Fare." Waiting for a fare Here comes one now Oh, he looks like he wants to go someplace far What? You just want directions to the lighthouse? It's right there, you stinking little tourist! What are you, blind?! HEY, YOU'RE GOING TO LOSE THAT FINGER, PAL! GET IN, I'LL DRIVE YOU INTO THE COLD, DARK OCEAN! Waiting for a fare So, what do you think? H: Well, Antonio, that was very nice, but don't you think maybe the Tourism Board would want something a little more upbeat? A: No problem: "And come back soon." -- Helen, Antonio, Brian & Lowell, "Blackout Buggins" "You're saying: to win back Lowell's friendship, I should take him to a musical?" -- Antonio, "Two Jerks and a Jill" A: This Shannon reminds me of a woman I knew from my village . . . . She treated men like garbage, but they kept coming back for more. They would rather die than be without her. She was called . . . "The Black Widow." F: Oh, after the spider who kills her mate? A: No, because she was black, and her husband had died. -- Antonio & Fay, "Just Say No" "She sounds like the kind of woman who takes pleasure in giving men pain, likes grinding a man's spirit into the dirt with a stiletto heel. If Brian comes to his senses, let her know I'm available." -- Antonio, "Just Say No" "This is not Sicily, where you mind your own business and keep your mouth shut. This is America, where you are expected to do your civic duty. Why didn't I go to Australia, where they don't care what the hell you do?" -- Antonio, "What the Cabbie Saw" H: [on AL posing for Playboy] How do you ever get over something like that? A: If I ever do, I'll let you know. -- Helen & Antonio, "I've Got A Secret" J: You know it's weird. I'm not even that close to Walter, but for some reason I'm really looking forward to his wedding. Why is that? F: Well, maybe it's because when we see two people about to start a new life together, it renews our own feelings of hope and promise. A: Or because there's nothing else to do on this stinking island prison we call Nantucket. -- Joe, Fay & Antonio, "Another Wedding" "Jiffy cleaners, we're on the spot." -- Antonio reading the pen that leaked in his pocket, "Another Wedding" "Your children are very lucky, Lowell. All my father ever told me was, 'You may not be strong, you may not be smart, but you sure are a hairy little monkey.'" -- Antonio, "An Affair to Forget" A: Last night, I'm watching _Gone With the Wind_. Near the end of the movie, Rhett is at the door. He looks back and he says, "Frankly, Scarlett . . ." and then, suddenly, I lost the channel. What does he tell her? AL:"I don't give a damn." A: Sorry to have bothered you. -- Antonio & Alex, "The Faygitive" AL:It's just Antonio! H: What the *hell* is he doing here?! A: Feeling unwelcome at the moment. -- Alex, Helen & Antonio, "Black Eye Affair" H: [Reading from Danny's book] "Hot and flushed from lovemaking, Kiki dove naked off the boat, motioning Ryan to join her in the warm, beckoning waters of the cove." A: Put...put...put...put...put Kiki back on the boat and... read it again, slowly. -- Helen & Antonio, "Call of the Wild" B: Well, Antonio, the fact is that whenever you're around women you act desperate and pathetic, and that's why they flee from you like from a burning building. A: [turns away] You're mean. -- Brian & Antonio, "The Spark and How to Get It" A: We have a wax museum? I've never seen it. And as a cab driver, I know every square inch of this island. J: Yeah, I remember that place. It's right next to the old whaling village. A: We have a whaling village? -- Antonio & Joe, "The Waxman Cometh" A: Just seeing her every morning year after year has made my life a little more special. B: By the way, here's what you owe for the party. A: What?! I hardly know the woman. -- Antonio & Brian, "Gone But Not Faygotten" J: Only women in curlers and housecoats watch the Mary Pat Lee Show. A: Mary Pat Lee? Oh, I love that show. -- Joe & Antonio, "Ex, Lies and Videotape" ". . . and confessed that she was once addicted to nose spray. She helped so many of us that day." -- Antonio, "Ex, Lies and Videotape" Brian: There must be some mistake. I'm "smart, sexy and single." Mary Pat: How many times have we fallen for that line, girls? Antonio: Too many! Too many! -- "Ex, Lies and Videotape" "You're worried because you're desperately attracted to this beautiful woman and you think that she might want you too? . . . Let me put your mind at ease. When has this *ever* happened to you?" -- Brian to Antonio, "Et Tu, Antonio" C: Hey, what are you guys up to? A: Oh, nothing much. Just waiting to die. Maybe later take in a movie. -- Casey & Antonio, "One Flew Over the Cooper's Nest" A: Haven't you ever seen me in a twenty-five hundred dollar suit? J: I've never seen you in a twenty-five hundred dollar car. -- Antonio & Joe, "Driving Mr. DeCarlo" "She's out there on this island somewhere, and as God as my judge, I will find her. Oh, and by the way, if I don't, you're giving me Helen." -- Antonio to Joe, "The Lady Vanishes" "And remember: Be careful out there." -- Antonio, "The Lady Vanishes" Cop: Skier, eh? She's got kind of a big face for her body. Antonio: It's a theme in my life. -- Cop & Antonio, "The Lady Vanishes" R: I'm going skydiving. I saw you guys writing your eulogies; I decided to write mine. A: I'd say just in time, too. -- Roy & Antonio, "The Lyin' King" "Once again, I've slipped in... right below the poverty line." -- Antonio, "Grouses, Houses and Bickering Spouses" "Oh, to live in Fay-land." -- Antonio, "Grouses, Houses and Bickering Spouses" "You want fair? Nothing's fair. To quote my grandfather Scarpacci's dying words, 'Gaze fondly upon today, for tomorrow is bound to suck worse.'" -- Antonio, "Grouses, Houses and Bickering Spouses" Alex ---- AL:It's not going to freak you out if I sort of turn into a girl for a second here, is it? J: I'm just thrilled it's possible. -- Alex & Joe, "It May Have Happened One Night" "Look, Joe, Satan, whatever your name is!" -- Alex, "It May Have Happened One Night" "Guess who's driving now." -- Alex, "It May Have Happened One Night" AL:I just finished this entire carton. "Serves six." H: Yeah, but a serving's like two ounces. I mean, there's that much stuck to the lid. AL:Oh right, the lid! -- Alex & Helen, "I've Got a Secret" "I believe someone was obsessed with you. . . . Sounds like it was you." -- Alex to Joe, "2 Good 2 Be 4 Gotten" Casey ----- "Casey, look at you! You're dressed. You're up. You cleaned the food out of your hair." -- Helen, "The Shrink" R: Well, it's a little last minute, but it's a party, and who am I to pass up a Big Sandwich? . . . B: Brace yourself, guys. We're not having a Big Sandwich. L: Excuse me, it almost sounded like you said there would be no Big Sandwich. F: Oh, everyone loves the Big Sandwich. R: A party without a Big Sandwich? It's...it's...it's...it's...it's... just not done. . . . C: I got to get off this island! -- Roy, Brian, Lowell, Fay & Casey, "Is That a Ten-Foot Sandwich or Are You Just Happy to See Me?" C: You will work non-stop for the next two days and I will be right here by your side the entire time because I am here to support you, Lowell. L: What if I still can't do it? C: I'll kill you. I'll kill you dead. -- Lowell & Casey, "Portrait of the Con Artist as a Young Man" "Helen's at the store!" -- Casey, "Nuptials Off" "I saw a mouse. . . . In the kitchen! Before." -- Casey, "Nuptials Off" "Welcome to Nantucket: approximately fifty-six square miles of smiles, which you'll enjoy, especially in summer." -- Casey's "catchy slogan" for Nantucket, "The Big Sleep" H: We will get him a gift certificate at a tanning salon. And while he's lying there with those little cups on his eyes, we'll pay off the attendant, sneak in there and peek at his arms. C: Gee Lucy, do you think we can pull it off? -- Helen & Casey, "B.S., I Love You" A: I don't know what to say; I've never met royalty before. C: Don't worry, Antonio. They're just like you and me, only... better. -- Antonio & Casey, "A Tale of Two Sister Cities" Budd ---- "Did it. Did it. Did it. Oh my God. Oh No! No, I did that." -- Budd, "So Long, Frank Lloyd Wrong" Budd: Don't worry, that number one engine is as good as the day she was built. Just hold steady, and she'll get you back home safe and sound. Over and out... God help those poor bastards. Brian: Budd, is your finger still on the mike? Budd: Oops. -- "The Big Sleep" Other ----- "You've been in the plane!" -- Mrs. McCloskey, Town Psychic, "My Brother's Back--And There's Gonna Be Trouble" Sandy: . . . before our time is up. Brian: Why, how long do we have the room? Sandy: I wasn't talking about the room. -- "The Taming of the Shrew" "I'm going to go and find some little community that really needs my money. Like Europe." -- Mimsy Borogroves, "My Brother's Keeper" Joe: Skip, isn't it? Skip: Isn't it what? -- "Crate Expectations" Roy: Sylvia, if I walk out that door, I'm never coming back. Sylvia: Thank you for understanding. -- "The Late Mrs. Biggins" "If my look is accusatory, it's strictly habit." -- Lilith to Frasier, "Planes, Trains, and Visiting Cranes" "Maybe it *was* Las Cruces!" -- Carlton Blanchard, "Das Plane" Coach: [to H] Well, in that case toots', toss in a bagel, and don't be stingy with the cream cheese! [lights a cigarette] Joe: Coach, you're still smoking? Coach: Oh, I cut down to two packs a day. That lung I had removed scared the hell out of me. But the important thing is the Ol' Noodle's still working. [to H] Hey toots', toss in a bagel, and don't be stingy with the cream cheese! -- "Say It Ain't So, Joe" Lenny: Do you suffer from dizzy spells? Joe: No. Lenny: Me neither. I find them relaxing. -- "The Fortune Cookie" "Empty!" -- Carlton Blanchard, "The Houseguest" "Congratulations, Joe. That was the worst flight of my life. And I was once in a mid-air collision." -- Davis, "Business or Pleasure" Mark: So, folks, what'll it be? Davis: Well, what do you got? Mark: We only serve crab. Davis: I see. So, what would you recommend? Mark: We only serve crab. -- Mark the Waiter & Davis, "Business or Pleasure" ". . . and my girlfriend's not a hooker. She's a massage therapist." -- "Bob" the Detective, "The Faygitive" Lewis: Uncle Carlton!! Carlton: You scared me half to death. Lewis: What was I thinking?! -- Lewis (heir to Carlton's estate) & Carlton, "Say Uncle Carlton" "No." -- Ray Charles, "A Decent Proposal" Tuck: We decided we wanted a better quality of life. We had had enough of the fast-paced big city. Helen: Oh, where did you live? Gwen: Fargo, North Dakota. -- "Have I Got a Couple for You" "I was devastated! So you were saying?" -- Mary Pat Lee, "Ex, Lies and Videotape" Helen: I don't understand. Minutes ago he was knocking at death's door. Lewis: Well unfortunately, nobody was home. -- Helen & Lewis about Carlton, "A House to Die For" "Got a receipt?" -- Phil the insurance agent, "She's Gotta Have It" Brian: What are you, out of your mind? Jack: Well yeah, that's about the size of it. -- Brian and Grandpa Jack, "B.S., I Love You" "Do you realize how special you are? You almost ruined my entire life." -- Melissa to Brian, "Love At First Flight" "Ooh. Pinch me. . . . I have everything a man could want. I've got my TV, my bed. Oh, and look, a raisin left over from lunch. Life is full." -- Lou, "The Lyin' King" Key --- An ellipsis (. . .) indicates an omission of lines. Three unspaced periods (...) indicates a pause, or a trailing off. And brackets ([]) surround explanatory notes. ============================================================================== SHORT EPISODE GUIDE =================== The episodes are listed in production order, while the broadcast order is indicated by the numbers. (Except for seasons 6 and 7, which are listed in broadcast order.) Syndication ----------- The USA Network shows episodes from Seasons 1 through 6 in the U.S. _Wings_ is usually shown Monday through Thursday at 7:00pm and 7:30pm. Season 1 -------- 1 Legacy - B returns to Nantucket, J and B search for the fortune their late father supposedly left them. 5 There Once was a Girl From Nantucket - J agrees to date a woman trying to live down her reputation as a "tramp." 7 There's Always Room for Cello - R's son R.J. reveals that he is gay, and R doesn't take the news well. 6 All for One and Two for Helen - J worries about B's intentions toward H when they spend an evening together. F tries to convince R to not add on to his hangar because there are owls nesting there. 3 Return to Nantucket I -1 B finds out that Carol is traveling through Boston and wants to get back together with her. 4 Return to Nantucket II -2 Carol agrees to return to Nantucket with B, but also has feelings for J. 2 Around the World in Eighty Years - An old man flying solo around the world hangs around the terminal. B thinks H should wear a sexy dress for her audition. Season 2 -------- 8 The Puppetmaster - B hires an actor to trick H in to dating him. R and L get walkie talkies. 9 The Story of Joe - A trade magazine plans to do a story on Sandpiper and J. Cliff and Norm (from _Cheers_) visit Nantucket. 10 A Little Nightmare Music - H auditions for the director of the Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra, who is on Nantucket for his honeymoon. F takes up card reading and predicts R's death. Poppo the Clown visits Nantucket. 12 A Stand Up Kind of Guy - J agrees to be the best man for a high school acquaintance who he doesn't remember. L is fascinated with the metal plate in R's head. 11 Sports and Leisure - F keeps inviting R to come along when the others have plans; R tries to be nice. 13 It's Not the Thought, It's the Gift - J and B compete to see who will get H the best gift for her birthday. F looks at L's finances and finds that he's renting a tuxedo for his dead uncle. 14 Hell Hath No Fury Like a Policewoman Scorned - B goes out with a police officer to try to get out of some traffic tickets. L tries to film an entry for "America's Wackiest Videos." 15 High Anxiety - J is grounded for high blood pressure and takes out his frustration on B. J loses his pilot's wings pin. L gets a metal detector. 16 Friends or Lovers? - H and J decide to try dating, and B tags along (without their knowledge) on their first date. J hires Kenny as his backup pilot. 22 Plane Nine from Nantucket - J and B see a U.F.O. while flying, but J is reluctant to report it because of bad publicity it might bring. H and F disagree over whether F has paid her lunch bill. 17 A Terminal Christmas - When everyone else's Christmas plans fall through, they decide to drop in on F, who still hasn't gotten over her Third Husband George's death. 18 Airport '90 - In response to H's desire to learn to fly, J opens a flight school. H and J decide to date seriously. F takes care of R's dog while he's on vacation. 19 Love Is Like Pulling Teeth - H gets her wisdom teeth pulled and J promises to take care of her, but on the same night there's a basketball game party he wants to go to. 21 My Brother's Back--And There's Gonna Be Trouble - J throws out his back and B takes over running the airline. 20 The Tennis Bum - F beats B at tennis, and it damages his ego. J breaks L's model blimp that he spent six years building. H wants R to hire a female pilot. 25 All in the Family - B goes out with Kenny's mother, but Kenny gets mad at B when it doesn't lead to anything serious. H and J are suspicious of each other when they assert their privacy. R needs glasses. 23 Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places - It's Valentine's day, and J and H have a disagreement about where their "special place" is. Roy has a blind date. 26 Mother Wore Stripes - B sees his mother on TV; he contacts her and she visits Nantucket, but J can't forgive her for walking out on them. 24 Love Means Never Having To Say Geronimo - B meets a woman and plans to marry her on J's plane. 27 Murder She Roast - B stays with F while his house is being fumigated, sees a picture of a murderer who looks like F on TV and fears that F may try to kill him. L sells "Car-B-Ques," which use a car engine to cook food. 28 Duet for Cello and Plane -1 H gets a job with the Maine State Symphony, but the symphony folds, and H moves to New York to become a full time musician. A woman who doesn't speak English waits in the terminal. Season 3 -------- 29 The Naked Truth -2 Months later, J and B go to New York to ask H to come back to Nantucket, but J doesn't tell her that he's now dating Gail until they've come back; in anger, H drives her Jeep through J's office. 30 Is That a Subpoena in Your Pocket...? - J sues H for damages to his office; J hires L to rebuild his office; H drives her Jeep through J's office again. 31 The Taming of the Shrew - H isn't handling her anger about breaking up with J well, so F suggests she go to a support group; she realizes that J had always helped her get through rough times. 33 If Elected, I Will Not Live - R runs against F for town council. H plans to sell her cello, but can't. 37 Try To Remember the Night He Dismembered - While fogged in at the airport, B hypnotizes the others; under hypnosis, R admits (claims) he stole $250,000. 32 I Ain't Got No Bunny - L correctly suspects Bunny of unfaithfulness, and decides to end their marriage. R buys the clam chowder recipe from the former cookoff winner. 35 Crate Expectations - Although he insists they don't, the others plan a surprise birthday party for J. H is not happy with the men the others set her up with. 34 My Brother's Keeper - B dates Mimsy Borogroves, a visiting rich woman who turns him into a "boy toy." H tries to start a new career in real estate. 36 Ladies Who Lunch - To try to stop them from fighting, J sends Gail and H to lunch together, and they become close friends; J and Gail break up. President and Mrs. Bush visit Nantucket and R and F try to meet them. 38 The Late Mrs. Biggins - R admits that his wife is alive and well, and goes to Boston to try to win her back. J and A deliver pizza from Boston. L asks the others to interpret his dreams. 39 The Bogey Men - B, J, R, and L take a free weekend golf trip designed to try to sell time share condos. A plays guitar in the terminal and annoys everyone else. 40 Marriage, Italian Style -1 A's request for a new visa is denied, and in order to allow him to remain in the country, H agrees to marry him. 41 Divorce, American Style -2 A and H are married, and A enters the "Green Card Lottery." J finds a woman's name and phone number on a matchbook, but doesn't know who she is. 42 Stew in a Stew - J can't give F her annual raise, but did buy expensive leather flight jackets; F is upset with J's priorities and goes to work for R. (We see the story of how J and F started Sandpiper.) 43 This Old House - A storm strikes Nantucket, the ocean moves in on the house that J and B grew up in, and it is condemned; they and H return to the house to say "farewell." 44 Planes, Trains, and Visiting Cranes - Frasier Crane brings his self esteem seminar to Nantucket, and H, who took his seminar in New York, demands a refund. B buys a big screen TV planing to return it the next day. 45 Das Plane - Carlton Blanchard buys a round trip ticket to "anywhere" on Sandpiper in a charity auction, and he makes them fly him across the country. 46 Take My Life, Please - After being fired from her real estate job, H takes a career placement test, and tries to become a stand-up comedian. 47 Four Dates That Will Live in Infamy - J, B, H and L join a video dating service and make a bet to see who will have the worst date. 48 The Bank Dick - B is forced to take a job as a security guard at a bank. H wants J to take her to opening day with the tickets she gave him, but he wants to take someone else. A leaves to visit his family in Italy. 49 Say It Ain't So, Joe - J's high school strikeout record is broken and it reminds him that he's getting older. L makes a book-on-tape recording for F. 50 As Fate Would Have It -1 H is offered a chance to play with the Boston Symphony Orchestra, but on the way to the performance, a storm knocks out both engines of J's plane while they're over the water. Season 4 -------- 51 Lifeboat -2 J ditches the plane into the sound and J, B, H, L, R, and F spend eight hours in a lifeboat. J decides to fold Sandpiper, until L's friend salvages his plane. A returns from his trip to Italy. 52 The Fortune Cookie - J's insurance doesn't cover the cost of replacing the plane, so he and B contemplate faking personal injury. 53 Noses Off - J's nose is broken, and B contemplates plastic surgery on his own nose. Roy treats his high school intern like a slave. Sandpiper is back in business. 61 Exit Laughing - J's college friend dates H, but she refuses to admit to J that his laugh bothers her. A's neighbor wakes him up every morning with his leaf blower, and A lets R try to teach him a lesson. 54 Blackout Buggins - R sings the national anthem at a Red Sox game and faints. F forgets to file some paperwork with the F.A.A. and it costs J a $500 fine. 58 Just Say No - J and H worry that B is being taken advantage of by Shannon Moss, who only comes to see him when she needs an ego boost. 69 The Houseguest - After falling down on her stairs, Carlton Blanchard imposes upon H, threatening that his son may sue her. 55 Mathers of the Heart - H and L date. R and A get drunk. 56 Two Jerks and a Jill - AL brings her helicopter business to Nantucket, and J and B make fools of themselves chasing after her. A shoots better than anyone else at L's friends' Tuesday Night Rat Shoot. 57 It's So Nice To Have a Mather Around the House - B borrows L's boat and sinks it; L moves in with J and B and annoys them with his rules. A orders gloves for H, R and F from his uncle. 62 What the Cabbie Saw - A witnesses a robbery, testifies against the robber and is afraid that the robber is following him. 59 It May Have Happened One Night - AL drops by J's office to talk, J takes her home, and the others are curious about what happened between them. L tries to catch a cricket in R's office. 60 The Customer's Usually Right - J gets upset over being charged $0.50 for rewinding a tape he thinks he rewound. A has Christmas Dinner with R and his mother. L gets his son a drum set for Christmas. 63 Labor Pains - L asks J and R for a raise, and A gives him advice. B still carries around a piece of his childhood "s'blanket," and H takes it from him. 65 The Gift I -1 J and B buy H a cello so she can audition for the Nantucket String Quartet. F, R, A, and L are in a production of "Phantom of the Oprah." 66 The Gift II -2 H joins the Nantucket String Quartet, but the other members drive her crazy. "Phantom of the Oprah" is canceled. 64 I've Got a Secret - H, AL, and A spend an evening together, and word gets out that AL appeared in Playboy. B, J, L and F go to Atlantic City. 68 The Key to Alex - J and B chase after AL, but she sees through all of their schemes, so they decide to talk to her honestly. L tries to choose a nickname. 67 I Love Brian - B tells AL he knows Clint Black. A watches an _I Love Lucy_ marathon. 72 Date Package Number Seven - B takes AL on a pre-planned date package pretending it is spontaneous. R and L find a video game and annoy F playing it. 71 Another Wedding - "The gang" attends a colleague's wedding. 70 Goodbye, Old Friend - L's "mentor" dies, and L tries to write his eulogy. After being kept up for four nights by squirrels, H gets a concussion, and isn't allowed to sleep. Season 5 ------------ 73 Stop in the Name of Love - The others worry that B will ruin his relationship with AL if he sleeps with her too soon. F begins taking a college psychology class. H is plagued by an insurance salesman. 74 Terminal Jealousy - R causes trouble by leading B to wonder if there is something going on between J and AL and by leading H to insult the health inspector. 75 Bye Bye Bunny - L and Bunny make their divorce official and promptly begin sleeping together, but Bunny is engaged to another man. A finds the cellular phone of a man having an affair. 76 Business or Pleasure - J asks Davis Lynch, an investor, to look into his airline, and he takes an interest in H. 77 An Affair to Forget - B and AL rent a cabin for the weekend, but J and H are forced to stay with them; H misses a weekend with Davis. F and A help R try to impress a woman. L records his thoughts for his kids. 78 Black Eye Affair - On the night of her second date with Davis, H has a run of very bad luck. It's the Nantucket Cranberry Festival. 79 Joe Blows I -1 Tired of his stressful but unfulfilling life, J quits and leaves Nantucket. 80 Joe Blows II -2 B buys Sandpiper from J for a dollar; J returns to Nantucket and J and B become partners. 81 2 Good 2 Be 4 Gotten - Sandy Cooper, who had a crush on J in high school, visits, but seems not to be as crazy as J thought, until they're alone. A tries to raise money to send home to his father. R's mother visits. 82 Come Fly With Me - J convinces B, H and L to go to Boston on a Saturday night in search of a good time, but the evening flops; worse, B, H, and L each miss real fun at home. R, F and A try to win a radio contest. 84 Ready, Teddy, Go - H finds a teddy in Davis's suitcase, a gift which she thinks is too intimate, but when he doesn't give it to her, she wonders who it is for. F "rescues" a lab rat from her psychology professor. 83 Happy Holidays - AL wants B to come with her to visit her parents in Florida for Christmas. F plans a Christmas party for the Children's Center. A sleeps with Bunny and feels guilty about it. 85 Oh, Give Me a Home Where the Mathers Don't Roam - J and B insist L move out, and he gets his own place. H gets a gift for AL, and she feels she has to return the favor. 86 The Faygitive - Someone hires a private investigator to find F, and she is scared that she may be in trouble. R's friend hooks up A with illegal cable TV. 88 Hey, Nineteen - J dates a nineteen year old college student in F's psych class, whom H used to babysit. R and A find a lost dog and use it to attract women. 89 Exclusively Yours - B and AL decide to date each other exclusively, but at the same time, J flies in a group of models and hosts a party for them at their house. H tries to name menu items after people at the airport. 87 Say Uncle Carlton - A gets job as Carlton Blanchard's chauffeur. The parking lot at the airport is resurfaced; L rides a bike to work. 90 Moonlighting - During the off season, AL has to take a job as a waitress, so the others tell stories of jobs they took in previous off seasons. 91 Sleepless in Nantucket - B and AL move in together, but are annoyed by each other's habits. L tries to name his sister's child. 92 Boys Will be Girls - J and B plan to dress up their high school football coach up in woman's clothing while he sleeps to get back at him for tormenting them in high school. 93 Roy Crazy - Sylvia comes to Nantucket and says she wants to get back together with R. A waiter who waited on H at a restaurant hangs around the terminal. 94 Long Distance Lament - Davis cancels another date with H, so she goes out with someone else. J has dates with two women on the same night. L is appointed safety warden. 95 Call of the Wild - One of B's old friends comes to visit, and he, B and J go out four nights in a row, leading to AL breaking up with B. "Big Strong Man" (a TV character) visits Nantucket and takes advantage of L. 96 A Decent Proposal -1 H accepts Davis's proposal, but somehow ends up in bed with J. J applies for and receives a loan to buy a second plane. AL doesn't take B back, despite his various gimmicks. Season 6 -------- 97 Whose Wife is it Anyway? -2 H decides to go through with the marriage to Davis; J follows her to New York to try to stop her, proposes himself, and she accepts J's proposal. AL leaves Nantucket forever. 98 Twisted Sister - C comes to Nantucket, seemingly to visit and congratulate H; she reveals that her husband left her, and moves in with H. J gets H an engagement ring, but C gives them a bigger one. 99 The Shrink - J takes B to see a psychiatrist about his depression over AL; C suggests that H move up her and J's wedding date, which leads to H and J arguing and the wedding almost being called off. L loses his hat. 100 The Spark and How to Get It - Apparently over AL, B goes out looking for women with A; B feels no "spark" for a woman with whom he could have a real relationship. C gets a bad haircut. L gives a graduation speech. 101 The Waxman Cometh - L receives $25,000 from his family trust and buys the local wax museum. 102 Is That a Ten-Foot Sandwich or Are You Just Happy to See Me? - Feeling guilty that they take up too much of J and H's time, B and C plan them a surprise engagement party. L gives R a coffee mug with his face on it. 103 All's Fair - A visiting businessman hires A as his driver and starts dating C; A finds out that he is married and tells C, but gets fired. J gets angry at B for having a dream about H. L wears a suit to work. 104 Miss Jenkins - B and J's ninth grade English teacher returns to the island and she and B try dating. A con artist wants to marry R's mother. 105 If It's Not One Thing, It's Your Mother - H and C's mother gambled away most of the money she planned to give H and J for their wedding. B and L try to outeat each other. F and R share a Barbra Streisand ticket. 106 The Wrong Stuff - J and B hire an ex-astronaut to endorse Sandpiper. A thinks C is flirting with him. 107 Insanity Claus - On Christmas Eve, the new air traffic controller takes A hostage and demands a jelly doughnut. 108 She's Baaack - Sandy Cooper visits again, and tells J that her obsession with him the previous year had been a practical joke. L becomes a vegetarian. F gives A her husband's suits from the 1970's. 109 Have I Got a Couple for You - J and H meet another couple but ultimately drive them away with their neediness. B and C go to singles hangouts together. A becomes L's hands after L hurts his. 110 Fools Russian - R plans to marry a Russian mail order bride. L pretends to be F's boyfriend in order to impress her visiting friends. 111 Let's Call the Whole Thing Off - H and J crash a wedding reception to check out the facilities. L and A train for a "Polar Bear" contest. 112 Remembrance of Flings Past I -1 The gang prepares for a high school reunion; in attendance are: L's high school shop teacher, A, and B's old girlfriend, who tells J he may be her son's father. 113 Remembrance of Flings Past II -2 J tells H and B he may be a father. A tries to ask C out for Valentine's Day. L contemplates a career change after finding out his mentor was a lunatic. 114 Gone But Not Faygotten - F retires, J and B hire C to replace her, but then F wants to return to Sandpiper. 115 Ex, Lies and Videotape - AL confronts B about their breakup on a talk show. H and J talk to a reverend about their upcoming wedding. 116 Portrait of the Con Artist as a Young Man - C promotes L's machine part art; A tries to impress C. H sends her parents a roll of film, but regrets doing so after finding out what was on it. 117 The Love, Life and Times of Joe and Helen - B makes a video for J and H chronicling their relationship. Clips from previous episodes are shown. 118 A House To Die For - Carlton is dying, and Lewis starts selling off his estate. J moves in with H and displaces C, who moves in with B. 119 Nuptials Off - H discovers that her divorce from A was never finalized and sends J off on a fishing trip while she scrambles to get the divorce. L tries to maintain his perfect attendance record while sick. 120 Et Tu, Antonio? - A is attracted to his cousin's fiancee. Wedding gifts from H's side of the family outclass those from J's side. 121 Boys Just Want to Have Fun -1 It's the day before J and H's wedding, and they have their bachelor and bachelorette parties. C and B end up in bed together. 122 Here It Is: The Big Wedding -2 J and H's wedding goes off without a hitch... or maybe with a few hitches. Season 7 -------- 123 Burnin' Down the House I -1 B and C are dismayed to find they can't keep their hands off each other; while J and H are on their honeymoon, B and C carelessly burn down their house; J wants B out of his life forever. 124 Burnin' Down the House II -2 J refuses to forgive B, but changes his mind after seeing a vision of their father. H carries out her revenge upon C's expensive clothes; A's vendetta against B and C is less successful. 128 She's Gotta Have It - H goes on a spending spree with the insurance settlement for her house. B and C try to find something in common besides sex. A goes back to "The Big-faced Girl." 125 Death Becomes Him - A woman from a wealthy, powerful family hires J and B to fly the body of her recently deceased father to Nantucket, but they pick up the wrong body, so J fills in for the dead man at the funeral. 126 The Person Formerly Known as Lowell - L witnesses a mob hit and enters the Witness Protection Program. J, B, H, C have trouble living together. 127 Hooker, Line and Sinker - After "The Big-faced Girl" dumps A, J and B set him up with a women they meet at the Club Car, but she turns out to be a hooker. R wants C to illustrate his children's book. 129 So Long, Frank Lloyd Wrong - A famous architect offers to design J and H's house, but they don't like his hyper-contemporary design. B hires Budd, who is preoccupied with an "incident" from his past. 130 When a Man Loves a Donut - B finds that J doesn't spend as much time with him as before he got married and copes by overeating. C gets a job with the Nantucket Tourist Board. A's new expensive shoes are too tight. 131 The Big Sleep - J and H fight about their new house; J's dream that he and H are in a plane crash seems to come true. A listens to self-improve- ment tapes. C is assistant director of tourism and writes a new slogan. 132 'Twas the Heist Before Christmas - Everyone's wallets are stolen at J and H's Christmas party. 133 Honey, We Broke the Kid - J and H take care of their friends' daughter. A gay TV star whom C brings to Nantucket to promote tourism takes an interest in A. 134 B.S., I Love You - J and B are visited by a man who claims to be their grandfather. A breaks a chain letter. 135 Sons and Lovers - On R's 12th leap-year birthday, R.J. visits, but R is still unable to accept that he is gay. B drives A's cab when A's driver's license expires. 136 Bye, George - F plans to marry, until she finds that her fiance's real first name is George; A resents F's fiance because he was a maitre d'. C tries to help B avoid J's illness with unconventional treatments. 137 The Team Player - A pro hockey player misses his Sandpiper flight and his game, causing Sandpiper to suffer the wrath of his fans. C brings a group of masochists to vacation on Nantucket in the Winter. 138 Love At First Flight - On Valentine's Day, B meets a woman he is flying, but she is about to marry someone else. R dates The Big-faced Girl. C convinces a wine club to have Valentine's Dinner on Nantucket. 139 Lynch Party - The news that Davis is coming to the island to see her troubles H because she never broke off their engagement; H tells what happened after she accepted J's proposal. 140 One Flew Over the Cooper's Nest - Sandy returns once again, now dating B. C, A, R and F all eat tuna from H's counter that might be contaminated. 141 Driving Mr. DeCarlo - A gets a job chauffeuring a businessman, but fears that his new boss may be involved with the mob. H reads _Don Quixote_ when her high school English teacher visits the island. 142 A Tale of Two Sister Cities - C's attempt to get Nantucket a sister city is thwarted by B sleeping with the city's princess, A losing their dogs, J's jealousy of H's innocent flirting, and R's investment hawking. 143 What About Larry? - J and H try to cheer up their contractor after his wife leaves him and he stops work on their house. George Kennedy visits the island, and B annoys him. 144 The Lady Vanishes - A embarks upon a quest to find a woman he met in the terminal. B shows H how he predicts the course of a relationship by looking at a woman. 145 Life Could Be a Dream - J, B, H and C look through a time capsule they buried as kids and read the letters they wrote predicting what their futures would bring. 146 The Lyin' King - A former classmate invites J and B to see her dance nude, but J can't bring himself to lie to H about it. F writes a eulogy for herself. 147 Love Overboard - C's ex-husband Stuart returns, claiming to be broke. R teaches A to dance. 148 Grouses, Houses and Bickering Spouses - J, H, B and C look forward to living apart when J and H buy a new house, but right before they move in, they carelessly burn down their old house. ============================================================================== SYNDICATION EDITS ================= When a network show goes to off-network syndication, bits and pieces of the episodes are usually cut to make room for more commercials. Following are some of the USA Network's non-trivial syndication edits of _Wings_. Cut lines and scenes are enclosed in { }. If an episode is not listed, then no information is available on it. "Duet For Cello and Plane" -------------------------- [Hangar] J: You stab the plane, the cello here gets it. {H: Let the cello go, Joe, and nobody gets hurt. J: You put that icepick down, or this cello's going to be playing in the violin section.} "I've Got a Secret" ------------------- [Helen's House] A: Please... a moment. [drains glass] {AL:? H: Doesn't drinking that fast give you a headache? A: Yes. Go on. [to Alex]} "Another Wedding" ----------------- [One of Helen's lunch tables] B: Hey, Alex, have you thought about going to the wedding with me? AL:No. B: No, you haven't thought about it, or no you're not going with me? {AL:Yes. B: Yes, you have thought about it, or yes you're definitely not going with me?} [Walter's wedding] A: That woman, by the potatoes. B: Yeah? A: She is a vision. {She has the sad, dark eyes that bespeak generations of trouble and heartache. God, she's hot.} "Stop in the Name of Love" -------------------------- [Helen's lunch counter] F: . . . I think you're a little bit jealous. J: Of what? [clears throat] Of what? A: Well, for one thing, Alex picked Brian over you, and for another, he's got a smile that lights up a room. {[others stare at him] Everybody says so.} "Terminal Jealousy" ------------------- [Aeromass counter] R: [to B] He and Alex came in from the field, went straight in the office and shut the door. {At least, I think they're still in there. You can't really tell with the shades pulled.} "Bye Bye, Bunny" ---------------- [Lawyer's office. Bunny clears corner of desk and pulls Lowell in for a kiss] { Bunny: Lowell, is that a wrench in your pocket? Lowell: [pulls out said wrench] Sorry!} "Business or Pleasure" ---------------------- [Crab House. Davis has just told Joe that he won't be getting the money] Joe: . . . I want the real reason. {Davis: We really should talk about this tomorrow. Joe: No! Not tomorrow; right here, right now.} [Hangar] J: [to B] I guess you heard; Lynch isn't giving us the money. Now I'm right back where I started. {Any hope I had of making something more of my life is shot to hell.} "An Affair to Forget" --------------------- [Sandpiper office] B: [on phone] That sounds great; I'll take it. {[pause] How much? Uh, maybe you don't understand -- I'm bringing my own woman.} "Black Eye Affair" ------------------ [Stella and Dominick arguing in Helen's house] Stella: You're the one that had the affair with the _Sports Illustrated_ swimsuit model! Roy: Really? Which one? { Stella: Why are you even here? Dominick: 'Cause I love you, Stella. Stella: Ah! And you show your love by seducing the hottest actress in Hollywood?! Roy: Really? Which one?} "Joe Blows I" ------------- [Sandpiper office] AL:But I'm afraid of disappointing him. I don't know what he wants. J: What makes you think *I'd* know? {AL:Well, because, you're his brother. There must be something, you know, special that no woman's ever given him. J: Hey, we're Catholic; we don't talk about stuff like that.} "Joe Blows II" -------------- [Sandpiper cockpit] J: So, you the clown that runs this joint? {B: What do you want? J: Nothing, nothing. Oh, all right, give me a quarter pounder with cheese.} "2 Good 2 Be 4 Gotten" ---------------------- [Sandpiper office] AL:Well, now, first things first. I think we should... notify the bear's next of kin. {H: How can you two kid around at a time like this? J: Thank you, Helen. H: A bear has *died*!} "Come Fly With Me" ------------------ [Boston party] Barbara: So, can you play something just for me? Lowell: {Me?} I think I can. . . . Barbara: Do you know anything classical? Lowell: {Classical. Hmmmm.} I think I do. [Boston party] Ted: Do you know what I'd really like to do? Helen: What? { Ted: Oh, I don't think I can say it. Helen: Oh, sure you can. Ted: Well, alright.} I'd like you to dress up like Little Bo Peep, hogtie me to the bedpost, and spank me for being the bad, bad boy that I am. "Happy Holidays" ---------------- None (?!) "Ready, Teddy, Go" ------------------ None (?!) "Oh, Give Me a Home Where the Mathers Don't Roam" ------------------------------------------------- [Sandpiper office] B: [to L] . . . Joe and I would sorta like to go back to the way it was before you moved in. {L: What do you mean? B: When... we lived there, and you didn't.} "The Faygitive" --------------- [Helen's lunch counter] AL:Oh, come on, who hasn't done *something* that they regret? Shoplifting a pack of gum. Smoking in the school bathroom. Finding yourself in the Kuwati desert playing strip poker with a Bedouin chieftain... {[long pause; others stare at her] Or, you know, something like that.} [Hangar] Pete: . . . the rifle discharged, and I shot myself in the ass. Brian: What kind of medal do they give you for that? { Joe: And where do they pin it?} "Hey, Nineteen" --------------- [Terminal; Courtney and Joe kiss while Helen, Alex, and Brian watch from Helen's counter] H: {Oh, God! [turns away in disgust, then turns back]} Uh! Tell me when it's over! "Exclusively Yours" ------------------- [Hangar] Vi: Tiffany, come here. I want you to grab this wrench and screw around here with the plane. Make like you're fixing the propeller. Oh, yeah, that's cute. {That's cute.} "Moonlighting" -------------- [Joe talking to the monkey] J: ..Simian-American? [pause] {J: So hey, if people use monkey wrenches, what do monkeys use, people wrenches?} "Sleepless in Nantucket" ------------------------ [Sandpiper counter] J: A pilot is supposed to instill confidence in the passengers. B: Excuse me. I don't instill confidence? J: You're wearing two different shoes. {B: I'm making a statement. J: Yeah, you're saying, "Look at me, I'm an idiot."} [Helen's lunch counter] J: Well, I guess it's a good thing that you and I never moved in together. {H: [laughs] What do you mean? J: I think we would have driven each other crazy.} H: What do you mean? "Boys Will Be Girls" -------------------- [Coach's room] B: You know, I think the coach needs a little blush; he's looking a bit peaked. [Starts applying makeup] {J: Hey, Brian. B: Yeah? J: Brian, it is scaring me just a little bit how good you are at this.} "Roy Crazy" ----------- [Helen's lunch counter] Mark: I just came by to say hi. {So... hi.} Helen: Hi. [One of Helen's lunch tables] H: [to J] Tell him to take a hike. Tell him to beat it. Kick his weird old butt out of here. {I would, but I'm too nice.} "Long Distance Lament" ---------------------- [Helen's lunch counter] A: Helen, are you okay? H: Yeah. I'm sorry; I don't know what came over me. R: I do, and I'll give you a tip: try estrogen. It worked for Mom. {AL:Roy, that's disgusting! R: So's a beard on an eighty-five-year-old woman.} [Club Car] Davis: Look, Helen, the bottom line is: you are the most important thing in my life. Helen: {Really?} Davis, I feel the exact same way. "Call of the Wild" ------------------ [Club Car] Joe: ...I find it a little hard to believe that you and this guy here took on four drunk marines. Brian: Drunk marines? Danny: Okay, so I embellished. Actually, it was two optomologists {...and we were just fighting over a volleyball court.} [Terminal] AL:We were going to go look for a new dinette set. {B: [mumbles] Come on... AL:Don't give me that look; it was your idea.} "A Decent Proposal" ------------------- [Helen's lunch counter] H: Tell me what he said! A: {I don't know anything.} Get your hands off me, or I'll use my pepper spray. [Terminal] H: [looking around] Hello? Anybody? {Um, something just happened here.} Hey!! [Joe's bedroom] B: Weren't you supposed to get...? {When did you two...?} Joe, is there something you'd like to say to me? "Whose Wife Is It Anyway?" -------------------------- [One of Helen's lunch tables; Lowell reading Alex's letter to Brian] L: You looked like you needed some good news with the bad. {[back to Alex's letter] "We just had too many problems and I don't think you're ready for a mature, adult relationship...even though you are one heck of a bowler." B: That bowler thing...her? L: Me.} [Joe and Brian fighting] J: What are you going to do, fly around the world with your head out the plane window yelling, "Alex?" B: Yeah, that and drop leaflets. {J: Wait, Brian, stop! [stop fighting] Look, I really want this, Brian. If you care about me, if you want me to be happy, if you love me, you won't stand in my way. B: Get bent!} [resume fighting] L: Hi, guys! "Twisted Sister" ---------------- [The Sandpiper counter] H: ...look at her, she's perfect. J: And you're not? {C'mon, Helen, don't do that to yourself. You're not Casey Chappel's fat little sister anymore. H: It's hard to forget. She was the prom queen; I was...Dairy Queen. J: Just stop that, alright? Listen to me.} You are every bit as beau--no, you are more beautiful than Casey. [Lexington's] B: We *were* geeks. {J: Like the guys she hung out with were any better. B: Oh, you mean the Kennedys?} [Lexington's; Casey has just given Helen her ring] J: Don't make me use the butter. {H: What is the matter with you? J: She...she has no right to give you that. H: What are you talking about? J: Don't you see what she's trying to do? She's trying to make me look like an idiot. H: No, honey, you're doing that all by yourself.} "The Shrink" ------------ [Helen's lunch counter] C: ...Stewart has cancelled all my credit cards. {So I walked out of the store and ruined my four-hundred dollar shoes on those *quaint* cobblestone streets. Then I hobbled down to the docks and I lost two fillings on your delightful saltwater taffy.} But I'm still smiling... [Aeromass counter] {L: Roy? R: Mmmm? L: Would you mind passing these out to your customers? [hands Roy a piece of paper] R: What is it? L: Reward poster. R: [reads paper] "Have you seen this hat?" You know, Mather, I feel sorry for you. Have you considered filing a missing hat report? L: Don't be ridiculous. You have to wait twenty-four hours.} [hands paper to passerby] Have you seen this hat? "The Spark and How to Get It" ----------------------------- [In Club Car, after the bouncer leads Antonio out] {[Antonio's head pops up in the doorway] A: Brian!} [Helen's lunch counter] R: Where have I heard that before? Oh, yeah, I read it on a box of condoms. {H: Brian, what I'm trying to say is, when a woman meets a guy, she could feel no attraction whatsoever. In fact, she could be completely turned off, but in time, a spark can grow. I mean, look what happened with Joe and me. J: What do you mean, "turned off"? You're telling me that you didn't have a spark for me at first? H: Well, did you have a spark for me? J: Oh, c'mon, Helen, you were a fat eleven-year-old; the only sparks were flying off your silverware.} H: All I am saying is, is you have to give it a chance. [Club Car, Antonio and Lowell looking at a woman] A: Ooh, ooh, there's a good one. {Okay, now, you know what to say? L: Yeah...no, I gotcha.} [walks over to woman] Hi! "The Waxman Cometh" ------------------- [After dissolve (after Lowell relates his inheritance)] {[Helen and Joe sitting at a lunch table, each eating and reading the paper] H: Did you read about that village in Peru where they live to be almost ninety? J: Hmmm? H: Nothing. J: Oh, wow. Bruins got a new defenseman. H: Huh? J: Nothing. [folds paper and gets up] Well, I gotta get back to work. This having lunch together was a great idea. H: Yeah, it really gave us a chance to talk.} [Wax museum] A: When was Ricardo Montalban president? {B: Wait a second--something's wrong here. Where's Vice President Tatoo?! F: It must be getting late, when are the crowds going to get here? B: As soon as they tear this place down and put up a Sizzler.} "Is That a Ten-Foot Sandwich or Are You Just Happy to See Me?" --------------------------------------------------------------- [Aeromass counter] L: I really appreciate you letting me off early yesterday. {My stomach's feeling much better now.} That's the last time I store the brake fluid next to the Dr. Pepper. [Sandpiper office] J: How about if I hold your head underwater? {H: Now, now, Joe. You're not a woman, you don't understand these things. C: Thank you. Now, all I need is your credit card, so I can fly to Boston and pick some up at Neiman Marcus. H: You get the bucket, I get the hose.} [Joe's bedroom] J: Well, at least somebody is! H: Joe! Please! {Antonio?} [Sandpiper counter] L: This is Joe and Helen! It's got to be the ten-footer! {F: Remember the twelve-footer they served at Ed Peterson's wake? R&L: Oh, yeah.} B: Brace yourselves, guys. [Harbor House] H: Casey! {Brian!} J: Helen, there's nobody here. Let's-- what is this? {"Joe and Helen Forever?" H: Oh my gosh.} I'm such an idiot! "All's Fair" ------------ {[Helen and Casey at a lunch table] H: Hey, what are you reading? C: It's a catalog of night classes. I'm tired of being so angry about Stuart leaving me. I figured there's got to be more to life than just sitting around being bitter about men. H: Good for you! What classes are you thinking about taking? C: Well, I have it narrowed down here to Lesbian Studies or How to Render a Man Helpless with Your Thumb. H: Oh, look at that: they're both taught by the same instructor.} Gavin: Excuse me. Do you know where I can get a car and driver for the week? { F: You mean like a limousine? Gavin: Oh, it doesn't have to be a limo.} F: How about a former USO dancer and a Plymouth Duster? Gavin: How much? A: {One full week, at your beck and call twenty-four hours a day...} Fifteen hundred bucks. C: Why can't I find a nice guy? A: Oh, they're out there. {If I may--} you know, for years, my Uncle Paolo. . . "Miss Jenkins" -------------- [Joe and Brian imitating Miss Jenkins] J: It was more of a... more of a shimmy. {[Lowell walks by] L: Yes, yes. You both have nice butts. Must you shove them in our faces?} H: I can't believe you would reduce Miss Jenkins to a sex object. [Miss Jenkins' classroom] Laura: It's not going to work, Brian. {B: Yes... yes it is. We can make it work, Miss Jenkins... uh, Laura. Laura: No, Brian, you were right the first time. I will always be Miss Jenkins to you.} B: Oh... damn it. "If It's Not One Thing, It's Your Mother" ----------------------------------------- [Lunch counter] L: I've eaten snacks bigger than you. {A: Ah, my mom also loved to cook, you know. On Sunday every Scarpacci in the village would gather at our table. If I close my eyes, I can still hear her say, "*Mangia figlio mio*, eat," and then I can hear my father say, "Chew with your mouth shut, you free-loading, little hairy baboon!" God, I miss them.} [Lunch counter] J: Where does she think he's been all this time? C: In the bathroom. {Every time she calls, I tell her he's in the bathroom. J: For three months? C: This is Stuart we're talking about here. It's not that hard to believe.} "The Wrong Stuff" ----------------- [Sandpiper office] B: Well, I hate to break it to you, but we never left basics. {Basically, we're a bus with wings.} [Sandpiper office] J: ...He's one of the reasons I got into flying! The guy's a national hero! [Helen whispers in Joe's ear] {But, is he necessarily the person that we want? B: You're right, who in their right mind would want an American legend endorsing their airline? [Helen whispers in Joe's ear]} Oh, would you stop that, that's so annoying! [Sandpiper plane] J&B: Ace!! [sharp bank, then level off] {Ace: You guys never would have made it through our training program. Want to see what I used to do to jumpy recruits? J: No. B: No! L: Yeah! Ace: Hold on, girls! [pitch up]} [Lunch table. Casey licks corner of her mouth with her tongue] A: [laughs] Okay, baby. {Why don't we stop playing games? I think we both know what's going on here.} C: What? "Insanity Claus" ---------------- [Terminal. Bob fires gun into air] A: You all know Bob. {The man who's pointing his gun in my back. Apparently, Bob -- not a chocolate lover.} Bob: Okay, now, nobody moves, or the guy who ate Bob's donut gets it. [Terminal] L: We don't make deals! {F: Excuse me. I know you just said you wanted a donut, but I'd be happy to give you one of my lemon bars. J: Fay, what are you trying to do, get us all killed?!} [Casey and Brian enter] [Control tower] Bob: . . . you are sweating a lot. {A: 'Course I'm nervous. You're pointing a gun at me. Bob: Yeah, but I mean that's not just regular sweating. What you've got there is problem perspiration.} A: What am I supposed to do? [Terminal] A: She's lying! She's lying! {I'm clumsy, I'm inexperienced... I don't even know where everything is.} "She's Baaack" -------------- [Terminal] Sandy: You made such a big deal about that little crush I had on you in high school, I just couldn't resist. {All this time, you must have thought I was crazy! B: Let me explain something to you about my brother. When God was handing out senses of humor, Joey was on line for pouty lips.} [Sandpiper office] J: Helen, Sandy just admitted everything. Listen to this. [sets down recorder and plays tape] {J[tape]: Pick up milk. Pick up eggs. Pick up nail clippers... the good kind. J: [stops tape and rewinds] I meant this... this...} [Sandpiper office] H: Bye, Joey-Bear. [Helen and Sandy exit] {[Antonio enters, dressed in 70's clothing] A: Brian just told me what happened in here. Don't you feel the fool.} "Let's Call the Whole Thing Off" -------------------------------- [Sandpiper office] B: ..but you have to give us the mini hot dogs. {C: That is unacceptable. However, we will give in on the keg, the balloon arch, and your wall-eyed cousin Courtney as the flower girl. J: Hey, she has an astigmatism! H: Oh, yeah, right. She'll be throwing flowers at the organist! [Brian and Casey calm Joe and Helen down] B: Now, I would really love to sign off on the mini hot dogs.} C: No mini hot dogs. [Sandpiper office] C: Hey, you are out of line, and might I add, stupid! {B: I know you are but what am I? C: Oh, that's real Victor mature!} B: I know you are but what am I? "Remembrance of Flings Past I" ------------------------------ [Lunch counter] H: I can still hear them laughing. {F: The Helen Chapel [breaks down laughing] Uh, children can be so cruel!} H: I'm going to get out of here. [Brian and Sara dancing] Sara: I'm having a good time. B: Me too. {[cut to Lowell and Conlan] Conlan: There are so many unexplained mysteries in the world, like what keeps this eggroll from falling off this toothpick? L: I don't know. Pork? [cut to Casey and Wendy] W: Wow, Casey!} I cannot believe what happened to you. [Helen giving welcome speech] H: A lot has changed. {Wendy: I wonder how many tuna melts she had to grill to afford a dress like that. H: Some of us have moved on, and some of us have stayed here on the island.} W: I hear she's marrying Joe Hackett. "Remembrance of Flings Past II" ------------------------------- [Lowell asks Antonio about his job] L: That sounds too involved. {[Fay walks in with flowers, next to lunch counter] H: Hey, Fay. What you got there? F: It's a love note I wrote to Casey for Valentine's Day. Oh, well, actually, I wrote it for Antonio, but he doesn't know anything about it. I'm sort of playing Cupid. [Casey walks in] F: Oh, there you are, Casey. This arrived for you. C: Oh. What is it? F: Oh, it looks like a note for Valentine's Day. C: How intriguing. "Meet me here tonight at six-thirty; I hope you won't think it's too flirty; we'll have dinner, drinks and... deserty." H: Well, I think it's kinda purty.} [phone rings in Sandpiper office] "Gone But Not Faygotten" ------------------------ [Sandpiper office; everyone looking at cake] A: She's naked as a jaybird! {L: You know, I was wondering what they were doing with all the sprinkles.} [Woman walks away laughing from Joe's employment offer] {J: We'll let you know!} "Ex, Lies and Videotape" ------------------------ [Lunch table] H: Joe. Sweetheart. Slow down, you have no place to go. Reverend: {I understand. Helen,} I'm reminded of a story... [Lunch table] Reverend: I've had three cups today. {I'm pretty hyper.} [Sandpiper office] AL: You make me sick! B: It's mutual! [kiss] { B: You repulse me!! I'm glad we broke up! AL: No more glad that I am! I can't believe I ever went out with you, you're such a boob! B: I must have been: I dated you, didn't I?! AL: This is insane! Good-bye! B: No no no, good riddance! [leave, then return and embrace]} [Sandpiper office] B: I told her that she had no damn right dragging me on that television show and humiliating me like that. {I told her that I never should have had anything to do with her in the first place!} J: Good for you! "Portrait of the Con Artist as a Young Man" ------------------------------------------- [Lunch table] R: It's not a real charity; I made it up. {J: What are you talking about? I put a buck in there everyday! R: And it went to a very good cause. Thanks to your generosity, I now have the Playboy Channel.} [Sandpiper counter] F: I thought he was talking about his hoo-haw. {[Casey walks in, next to Aeromass counter] A: Casey, Casey. C: Hi, Antonio. A: Hi. You know, I never realized that you were so interested in art and perhaps you're not aware that I, too, am an artist. C: Oh, like Lowell. A: Uh, no no, not at all. I work in a completely different medium. Lowell uses things he finds in the hangar, I use things I find in my cab. C: Oh. What do you call it? R: A desperate cry for attention.} "The Love, Life and Times of Joe and Helen" ------------------------------------------- [Hangar] J: You stab the plane, the cello here gets it. {H: Let the cello go, Joe, and nobody gets hurt. J: You put that icepick down, or this cello's going to be playing in the violin section.} [Transitions meeting] Sandy: Tell Joe what you really think of him. {H: No, I couldn't tell him what I really think of Joe. Harry: Use me; I'm a tool. H: Okay.} Joe... [Sandpiper office] L: I want to be in the shot. B: No, you can't be -- get back there. C'mon. Please. This is for -- you know -- my brother. Okay. {So, Joe and Helen went right on pretending that they weren't in love...} "A House to Die For" ------------------ [Helen's dream] {Gregg: Hey, Marsha, that dress is really happening.} H: I know. Jan: Marsha, Marsha, Marsha! [Lunch counter] L: It was _Ladies Home Journal_. {I've been hooked ever since I read that article "How to Cope with the Change."} [Lunch counter] C: ..fell right to sleep. {J: No problems with Brian? C: Nope, not a one.} [Brian walks in] B: You! [Carlton's house] {Lewis: [to guests] Thank you for coming. If you'd like to see my uncle before he dies, I suggest you take two stairs at a time. [looks at Roy] R: Uh, no, no, I'd go up and see him but--I'm just too emotional. I think I'll stay down here...with all his furniture.} [Joe, Helen and Fay enter] "Nuptials Off" -------------- [Sandpiper counter] A: It's a Virgin Mary air freshener. {It comes in sandalwood, musk, and new car smell. B: Wow. Yeah, that's cool. Listen, if you ever come across any of the Apostles in jasmine, would you grab me one?} [Upstairs] R: Okay, you got to leave the country to get a quickie divorce without Joe knowing it. Mexico! {H: Now how am I going to go to Mexico without Joe knowing? R: We got to find a way to get rid of Joe for the weekend.} H: Oh, I couldn't lie to him. [Lunch counter] H: . . . I'm gonna kill you! {A: You know, I can see why we never made it.} C: Helen's at the store! {[cut to hangar] H: C'mon, the plane's on the tarmac. B: Ah ah ah.. forgot my suntan lotion. H: Use mine. B: No no no no, it can't be less than SPF 8; I have very sensitive skin.} "Et Tu, Antonio?" ---------------- [Sandpiper office] A: The minute Dominick lands, I'm telling him the truth: that I love her! {B: All right, wait. What does she think about all this? A: Well, the way he is now, she's losing interest in him fast. I mean, who could blame her? I'm telling you Brian, she and I are right for each other.} B: Good for you, Antonio. "Boys Just Want to Have Fun" ---------------------------- [Sandpiper office] {B: Well, my brother, this is all for you. All right, you candy asses, fall in! What are we? A: We're men! B: And what are we going to do? A: Men stuff! B: And how are we going to do it? L: In a manly way! B: I can't hear you! L: In a manly way!! B: Let's go!} [Atlantic City room] J: Well, wake me up when we get to slow! {[phone rings] L: I'll get it. [picks up] 1-900 Bummer! [to the others] Oh. It's the pizza guy. others: Yes! L: [to others] He's lost! [to phone] No, it's a left at the landfill, a right at the industrial park, just past the sewage plant... No, if you get to the toxic waste dump, you've gone too far.} [Roy arrives] [Lowell passes out videotapes] L: I got _Valley of the Vixens_. { I've got _A Clear and Present Vixen_. } I've got _A Vixen Runs Through It_. [Lowell leaves to get Beta tapes] {B: All right, all right, just...just take it easy, take it easy. Still... still plenty of fun to be had.} [knock on door] ["Cop" interrupts Helen's party] F: Beat it, copper. {We're having a party and if the neighbors don't like it they can get stuffed.} "Here It Is: The Big Wedding" ----------------------------- [Bathroom. Lowell leans on an extremely big wrench.] {L: Huh. . . Huh. . . Huh. J: Lowell, would you please do something? L: All right, all right. I know what I got to do. I'm going to go get the big wrench.} [Brian enters] B: Okay, tux update. ============================================================================== LIST OF SETS ============ The airport: The terminal and upstairs The Sandpiper office The Sandpiper hangar The control tower Outside Gate 1 The Sandpiper plane Joe and Brian's house: The kitchen The living room Joe's bedroom Brian's bedroom Helen's house: Helen's living room Helen's bedroom Alex's apartment: Alex's living room Alex's bedroom Fay's dining room Antonio's cab The Club Car restaurant ============================================================================== THE LAST SCREEN OF CREDITS ========================== The persons and events in this film are fictitious. Any similarity to actual persons or events is unintentional. Copyright (C) MCMXC** PARAMOUNT PICTURES ALL RIGHTS RESERVED This motion picture is protected under laws of the United States and other countries. Unauthorized duplication, distribution, or exhibition may result in civil liability and criminal prosecution. "Wings" [TM] is a trademark of Paramount Pictures. Filmed before a live studio audience. or Filmed live before a studio audience. ============================================================================== OTHER ROLES =========== The following is an incomplete and possibly inaccurate listing of other television and movie credits for the regular cast of _Wings_. Tim Daly -------- Movies: _The Associate_ _Denise Calls Up_ 1995 _Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde_ 1995 _Caroline at Midnight_ 1994 _Witness to the Execution_ (TV) 1994 _Dangerous Heart_ (TV) 1994 _Alex Haley's Queen_ (mini) 1993 _In the Line of Duty: Ambush in Waco_ (TV) 1993 _Year of the Comet_ 1992 _Love or Money_ 1990 _Red Earth, White Earth_ (TV) 1989 (a.k.a. _Snake Treaty_) _Spellbinder_ 1988 _I'll Take Manhattan_ (mini) 1987 _Made in Heaven_ 1987 _The Rise & Rise of Daniel Rocket_ (TV) 1986 _Mirrors_ (TV) 1985 _I Married a Centerfold_ (TV) 1984 _Just the Way You Are_ 1984 _Diner_ 1982 TV, regular: _The Adventures of Superman_ (voice) _Almost Grown_ 1988-89 _Ryan's Four_ 1983 TV, guest: _The John Larroquette Show_ "Bad Pennies" 1995 _The John Larroquette Show_ "The Book of Rachel" 1994 [uncredited] Steven Weber ------------ Movies: _The Shining_ (mini) 1997 _Dracula: Dead and Loving It_ 1995 _Leaving Las Vegas_ 1995 _Jeffrey_ 1995 _Betrayed by Love_ (TV) 1994 _In the Company of Darkness_ (TV) 1993 _The Temp_ 1993 _Single White Female_ 1992 _Deception: A Mother's Secret_ (TV) 1991 _The Kennedys of Massachusetts_ (mini) 1990 _In the Line of Duty: A Cop for the Killing_ (TV) 1990 _When We Were Young_ (TV) 1989 _Les Anges_ 1989 _Hamburger Hill_ 1987 _Walls of Glass_ 1985 _The Flamingo Kid_ 1984 _Pudd'nhead Wilson_ (TV) 1984 TV, regular: _As the World Turns_ TV, guest: _The Pursuit of Happiness_ "Losin' It" 1995 _Duckman_ (voice) "America the Beautiful" 1995 _Star Trek: Deep Space Nine_ "The Siege" 1993 _Tales from the Crypt_ "Mournin' Mess" 1991 Crystal Bernard --------------- Movies: _Siringo_ 1995 _As Good as Dead_ (TV) 1995 _Miracle Child_ (TV) 1993 _Lady Against the Odds_ (TV) 1992 _A Matter of Trust_ _When Will I Be Loved?_ (TV) 1990 _Without Her Consent_ (TV) 1990 _Chameleons_ (TV) 1989 _Slumber Party Massacre II_ 1987 _High School U.S.A._ (TV) 1983 _Young Doctors in Love_ 1982 TV, regular: _Hot Prospects_ 1989 _It's a Living_ 1985-89 _Happy Days_ 1982-83 TV, guest: _Paradise_ "A Proper Stranger" 1990 _My Two Dads_ "The Courtship of Nicole's Fathers" 1989 _The Love Boat_ _The Love Boat_ 1984 _The Master_ "State of the Union" 1984 ( a.k.a. _Mystery Science Theater 3000_ "Master Ninja II" 1991 ) _Happy Days_ 1982 Thomas Haden Church ------------------- Movies: _Tales From the Crypt Presents: Demon Knight_ 1995 _Fugitive Nights: Danger in the Desert_ (TV) 1993 _Tombstone_ 1993 _Stolen Moments_ TV, regular: _Ned and Stacey_ 1995 TV, guest: _Flying Blind_ "Lovers and Other Strangers" 1992 _Flying Blind_ "Pilot" 1992 _Booker_ _China Beach_ "China Men" 1989 _Cheers_ "Death Takes a Holiday on Ice" 1989 _21 Jump Street_ "Eternal Flame" 1989 David Schramm ------------- Movies: _Johnny Handsome_ 1990 _A Shock to the System_ 1990 _Dreamer of Oz: The L. Frank Baum Story_ (TV) 1990 _Let it Ride_ 1989 _Kennedy_ (mini) 1983 TV, regular: _Working Girl_ 1990 TV, guest: _Wiseguy_ _Jake and the Fatman_ Rebecca Schull -------------- Movies: _That Darn Cat_ _Mortal Fear_ (TV) 1994 _My Life_ 1993 _Guilty Until Proven Innocent_ (TV) 1991 _Crimes and Misdemeanors_ 1989 _Trapped in Silence_ (TV) 1986 _Stone Pillow_ (TV) 1985 TV, regular: _Eisenhower and Lutz_ _One Life to Live_ _The Guiding Light_ TV, guest: _Hooperman_ _Newhart_ "Town Without Pity" 1988 _St. Elsewhere_ _Nurse_ Tony Shalhoub ------------- Movies: _Big Night_ 1996(?) _Stuart Saves His Family_ 1995 _I.Q._ 1994 _Addams Family Values_ 1993 _Gypsy_ (TV) 1993 _Searching for Bobby Fischer_ 1993 _Honeymoon in Vegas_ 1992 _Barton Fink_ 1991 _Quick Change_ 1990 _Longtime Companion_ 1990 _Day One_ (TV) 1989 _Alone in the Neon Jungle_ (TV) 1988 TV, guest: _Frasier_ "The Focus Group" 1996 _Almost Perfect_ "Auto Neurotic" 1996 _The X-Files_ "Soft Light" 1995 _The Equalizer_ _Spenser: For Hire_ Farrah Forke ------------ Movies: _Heat_ 1995 _Abandoned and Deceived_ (TV) 1995 _Disclosure_ 1994 _Bionic Ever After?_ (TV) 1994 _Complex of Fear_ (TV) 1993 _Journey to the Center of the Earth_ (TV) 1993 _Nurses on the Line: The Crash of Flight 7_ (TV) 1993 TV, regular: _Mr. Rhodes_ 1996 _Dweebs_ 1995 TV, guest: _Ned and Stacey_ "A Tender Trap" 1996 _Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman_ "Lucky Leon" 1995 _Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman_ "Top Copy" 1995 _A Whole New Ballgame_ "Brett's Beef" 1995 _Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman_ "The Eyes Have It" 1995 _Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman_ "Church of Metropolis" 1994 Amy Yasbeck ----------- Movies: _The Nutt House_ 1995 _Dracula: Dead and Loving It_ 1995 _Home for the Holidays_ 1995 _The Mask_ 1994 _Robin Hood: Men in Tights_ 1993 _Dillinger_ (TV) 1991 _Problem Child 2_ 1991 _Pretty Woman_ 1990 _Problem Child_ 1990 _Little White Lies_ (TV) 1989 _Splash, Too_ (TV) 1988 _House II: The Second Story_ 1987 TV, regular: _Generations_ 1989 _Days of Our Lives_ 1986(?) TV, guest: _Platypus Man_ 1995 _Quantum Leap_ "Stand Up" 1992 _Matlock_ _Designing Women_ _Nurses_ _The Cosby Show_ _Magnum P.I._ _Magnum P.I._ _Magnum P.I._ Brian Haley ----------- Movies: _McHale's Navy_ _That Darn Cat_ _Baby's Day Out_ 1994 _Clean Slate_ 1994 _Little Giants_ 1994 _Into the Sun_ 1992 _Always_ 1989 _The Caine Mutiny Court-Martial_ (TV) 1988 TV, guest: _The Drew Carey Show_ "Drew and Kate and Kate's Mom" 1996 [uncredited] ============================================================================== NOTES ===== The _Wings_ List of Lists is best viewed with a monospace font. The latest version of the _Wings_ List of Lists can be obtained on the Internet at: * ftp://ftp.crl.com/users/ry/ryl/WingsLOL * http://www-personal.umich.edu/~messina/wings/lol/ In some sections of the List of Lists, the characters' names are abbreviated in order to save space. They're pretty obvious, but just in case... J=Joe, B=Brian, H=Helen, L=Lowell, R=Roy, F=Fay, A=Antonio, AL=Alex, C=Casey Feedback: We welcome any and all feedback, suggestions, submissions or corrections via internet e-mail at and ============================================================================== ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS ================ Thanks to the following people for help on the List of Lists: David Lee, Dave Hackel, Howard Gewirtz Arun, Alan W Cavitt, Lisa Craig, Matthew Crowder, Krid Dusitsin, George Fergus, Dorinda Griffin, Jennifer, Marshall Keys, Norman Lee, John Lynch, Aaron Moy, Michael Scheele, Dick Williams Dean Adams, Mark D Baushke, Jerry Boyajian, Raymond J Chen, Ken Denton, Stephanie Gschwind, Paul D. Hutchison, Anita Kilgour, Kim, Girish Kotmire, Eric Jorgensen, John Lavalie, Mike, John Milner, Daniel J Styer, Lester K Su, Jeffery D Sykes, Kevin Treu, Jerry Wall, Gary Will, all contributors to the Internet Movie Database Nielsen Media Research, Danny Moses, Glenn Chappell, Terry Carroll ============================================================================== LEGALESE ======== The _Wings_ List of Lists is Copyright (C) 1996 by Ray Li and Matt Messina. All or parts of it may be freely distributed provided that a minimum copyright notice of: "This document is Copyright (C) 1996 by Ray Li and Matt Messina" is included. It may not be sold for profit or incorporated in commercial documents without the permission of the copyright holders. Permission is expressly granted for this document to be made available for file transfer from installations offering unrestricted anonymous file transfer on the Internet. The copyright holders can be reached via Internet Electronic Mail at and . "Wings" is a trademark of Paramount Pictures. The lines in the Quotes Section are probably copyrighted by Paramount Pictures (or Grub Street Productions). The _Wings_ Logo is almost certainly trademarked by Saxon/Ross Film Design. ==============================================================================